Reviewer: L Marrick Signed
Chapter 1: Part the First - I've Got A Feeling
Wow! I'm on the edge of my seat here --- please, don't keep me waiting long!
I have to admit I was kinda annoyed with Jim for doing the whole "we have to get the bodies down from the meathooks" thing - I mean, come on, be a starship captain and get your ass and the ass of your first outta there! Although I totally see why it was done, and I don't think it should be changed at all, and I totally loved that you juxtaposed that with his brutal murder of the Nixaan leader (though I didn't love that he did that either - the two 'I-don't-love-this's together seem to make a 'love-it').
ALSO. Cheers for painting the Federation in a negative light. Not that I'm glad the Federation could be evil, but I think we as fans tend to be all lollipops and rainbows about it and forget sometimes that the Federation is in fact a government-type organization, and any such organization always has it's dark side (even the good ol' U.S. of A.), which is usually kept out of the awareness not only of the general public, but even of some of the more up-right people involved with the organization.
I think your own assessment of the writing was pretty on target when you said that you thought you might've gotten a little too lyrical in a place or two, but hey, ain't nobody takin' away your gold star or nothin'. Other than that, the work really flows. It doesn't get stuck on itself, it's not trying to be overly "writerly." You are just telling a story, and damn but you are telling it well.
And last but not least: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! WHAT DID THEY DO TO JIM?????Author's Response:
Thank you so much for the epic review! It means so much to me that you're not only reading my story, but you're actively reading it and thinking about it. There are no words :)
I'm glad you were able to put aside the annoyance with Jim and stick with it. It was a stretch for me too, which is why the whole "ensigns from meathooks" thing happened. I needed something horrible enough that it would push Jim into savagery, believably. At this point in his career, he's never had to deal with this kind of loss under his command and he's still so young. Combining that with a nightmare scene and a target I felt would be enough to let his inner monster out. I also may be a little bit twisted
I'm also glad you like the Evil!Federation! You're exactly right, it's a government organization, run by people - not posters - there has to be a seedy underbelly (and damn it, I'm going to find it!).
*grin* It's so hard to read back your own stuff critically, isn't it? Even the parts that were flowery and over the top kind of shaded out when I was reading it back because I was just too involved. I imagine, when I finally finish this thing, I will go back and heave a couple of heartfelt groans. Thanks for letting me keep my gold star despite that ;)
And last but not least: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!