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Story Notes:

Inspired by a tumblr thread:

"Bones is the type of friend at a party who, when you pass out, will lovingly,

carefully, lower you to the ground, put your body in the recovery position,

and make sure you have a bottle of water beside you for when you wake up.

Then proceed draw 1000 dicks on your face."

It is unsettlingly quiet in medbay. The lights flicker on automatically as Spock enters, and he blinks in surprise.

“Things get out of control at the party last night?” Asks Doctor McCoy, as he swings round in his chair.

“No,” Spock says, and places his hands behind his back. “I was merely checking everything was in order around the ship.”

“Uh-huh. You can definitely… Remember everything, then?”

“… Yes,” Spock says. His hands twitch involuntarily, and he balls them into fists. “Vulcans have an eidetic memory, after all.”

“Hmm.” Bones leans forwards, resting on his elbows. “Commander?”


“Where’s the Captain?”

Spock opens his mouth, and closes it again. “Hmm.” He studies the doctor carefully. “I would assume that he, like lieutenants Uhura and Sulu, is sleeping in his quarters.”

“Hm. Sleeping off the hangover.”


“From the party that was under control?”

“… Yes.”

“And, given these facts, you wouldn’t have happened to have dropped by his quarters this morning, found them empty, and assumed he must be in medbay?”

Spock’s fingers trace his wrist, dancing over the steady pulse there. I am in control of my emotions. Vulcans cannot lie. If, however, one had cause to lie, it would be remarkably easy, due to their tightly-controlled physiological responses. Bearing this in mind, Spock commits to the charade.

“Where is he?” His pulse beats just a little bit faster.

Leonard crosses his arms. “Why; I thought you’d know. What with your eidetic memory, and all.”

Uneasiness stirs in his chest. “Doctor...”

“- You see, he was here,” Leonard turns to his computer, and types something in. “For about twenty minutes. Then, he got… Well.” A strange smile crosses his face. “He got carried away.” He presses a button, and the screen lights up. “By you, in fact.”

“Doctor?” Spock crosses the room in three, methodical strides, and stands beside him. On-screen is security footage from the medbay, and, sure enough, Jim was here- lying on the floor in the recovery position, with a blanket over him. “How did he acquire those markings on his face?”

McCoy’s eyes flash. “That’s not important right now.” He jabs a finger at the screen, and Spock watches as a miniature version of himself and Uhura appear. They both appear to be giggling, and Uhura points to Jim with a grin. After a moment, Spock places the sleeping Jim over his shoulders, and carts him out of the room, following Uhura’s lead.

The video clicks off.

“Ah,” says Spock.

“Ah?!” McCoy pushes himself to his feet, his hands resting on the desk. “You kidnapped one of my patients- the Captain, no less- and all you can say is ‘ah’?”

“Ah,” Spock says, again. “Doctor… If he was a patient-”

“He was unconscious in my medbay, Spock, of course he was a patient.”

“Agreed. But, if he was a patient… Why was he not assigned to a biobed?”

“Hmfg.” McCoy gestures, vaguely. “I… may also have been inebriated.” He glares at Spock. “Don’t look at me like that, Spock- I still have memories of last night, okay? I remembered enough to know you dragged Jim off to God-knows where, and now, he could be anywhere on the planet below us.”

“You are referring to EAN-04?”

“Of course I’m referring to EAN-04, you green-blooded-”

“Hm.” Spock takes a careful step back from the desk. “Doctor…” He tilts his head, and takes his pulse again. It’s not racing yet, but it will be.

“… What, Spock? You finally remember what rock you left him under?”

“Not as such.” Spock takes another step away. “However, I do remember that we left orbit of EAN-04 over eleven hours ago.”

Bones stares at him. “You did what?!”

Spock retreats from the room.






More laughter.

“Nyota, please-”

Uhura straightens up, still grinning, and places a hand to her side. “I’m sorry, Spock. I had no idea-” she glances to his upper lip, and breaks into laughter again. “I remember seeing the Captain in medbay, but I don’t remember where we took him afterwards. How steady were you in the video? Were you able to walk in a straight line? You couldn’t have got far otherwise,” she reasons.

“No,” he agrees. “Unfortunately, although my critical thinking was impaired, it appears as if my motor functions were unaffected.”

“So, the question is… Did you make it as far as the transporter room, or is the Captain still on board?”

“Hm. Computer, locate Jim Kirk.”

There’s an error sound. “Unable to locate Captain James T. Kirk.”

“Has he, at any point in the last twenty four hours, left the Enterprise?” Uhura asks.

Another error sound. “Negative.”

They breathe a sigh of relief in unison.

“He’s still on board.”



They find Jim curled up in a Jeffries tube with Scotty. His face is covered in smudged blots of ink, some of which are still readable. Several, cartoonish penises and lewd comments are scrawled across his face, in a number of languages.

“Nyota,” Spock chides, as Uhura breaks into a fresh wave of giggles behind him.

Jim stirs, and blinks awake. “Hmh.”

“It wasn’t all me!” Uhura protests. “It was Doctor McCoy’s idea.”

What was doctor McCoy’s idea?” Jim mutters into Scotty’s chest. The Scotsman twitches, wraps an arm around him, and snores deeply. Jim frowns, places a hand to his head, and studies Spock for a moment. “I see,” he says, and Spock frowns. Jim untangles himself from Scotty, and pats the chief engineer on the forehead. “Rough night, buddy?”

Scotty curls in on himself, and grunts non-committally. Jim laughs, and squints at Spock again.

“Mr Spock,” he says, arching an eyebrow, above which is written “guv-tvi-rivak torsu”. It detracts from the overall formidableness of the look.

Spock raises an eyebrow back. “Captain.” He wonders how best to break it to the captain that he has “slut” written across his eyebrow. Before he can formulate a response, Jim has got to his feet, and places his hands on his hips.

“Has anyone told you you have a moustache on your face?”

Spock touches his upper-lip in horror, and turns. When he glares at the entrance to the Jeffries tube, Uhura is nowhere to be seen.

Chapter End Notes:


"When you can’t find your boyfriend or figure out why people keep laughing at you and all you wanted was a kit kat"

- casual-mythologist

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