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Story Notes:

Thank you everyone who has read, followed, and reviewed this story.
It is my first ever fanfiction. 
I have in writing it inadvertently committed many of my own pet peeves. 
I originally started writing 8 years ago when bored and house-sitting. 
Life happened after that but it never felt right to leave it unfinished. 
So here it is, happy reading.

Chapter 1: Obsession


Personal Log: I refrain from using the Stardate for privacy reasons, should someone read my PADD even if it is close to the date in which I make these entries, logically they will have no knowledge of when in our five year mission these writing are from and thus have no point of reference from which to confront me.

I have had these feelings for too long. Perhaps part of not placing the Stardate is to make this more unreal for me.

I can't stop thinking. My meditation is fruitless; the only images in my mind are blue eyes, cold and piercing. I feel the guilt of betrayal, obsession, feeling. This cannot continue.


Chapter 2: Breakup


Personal Log: Today Lieutenant Uhura has ended our relationship. She is quite emotional. When I questioned her reasons, she exhibited extreme anger and threw and broke a vase I had given her at the academy.

Looking at those broken pieces was looking at inevitability. I knew seeing them that the relationship was indeed terminated.

I feel only regret.


Chapter 3: Distraction


Personal Log: Today, I took a personal day. I had thought myself past Nyota's abrupt termination of our relations, however yesterday I proved differently. On a routine exploration of a new M type planet with no humanoid life forms or even animal life, I allowed my distraction to endanger the entire away team.

It will not happen again.


Chapter 4: Persistence


Personal Log: The captain persists in his illogical overtures at friendship. I have given him no response or encouragement yet still he insists in his attempts. I have heard from my older self that I will need him to complete myself, yet my unclean feelings do not permit me to look at him. Perhaps in time this will go away.


Chapter 5: Nothing


Personal Log: Today I have been informed of the destruction of Vulcan and death of my mother again. I have been regressed to 16 physical years of age and now have only the memories and knowledge of my 16 year old self. I have been informed that the incident took place in a transporter accident. My time cannot be far off.

Oddly enough when I was informed of Vulcan's destruction and my mother's death I was not surprised. I did not hear anything after the captain briefed me to the situation though perhaps I should have shown more control.

I feel nothing.


Chapter 6: Dreams


Personal Log: The captain and McCoy continue to search for a 'cure' to my situation. They have made little progress. More worrisome yet I have been haunted by strange dreams of the sun over a very blue ocean and less frequently of intense color shifting blue eyes from ice blue to indigo that fill me with unexplainable emotions. Perhaps it is a side effect of the accident.


Chapter 7: A Face


Personal Log: I cried. When the moisture came from my eyes I thought at first it was a symptom of irritation from a reaction to the flora I was studying, then I filled with shame as the cause of my emotional response came to me. I had found a picture of my mother in my desk as I searched for a simple magnifying instrument, such a simple action to provoke such a response. Nyota has been trying to talk to me lately as has Jim. I have avoided these strangers since the accident, yet I can't help but admire them. Jim had been in my quarters when I cried having brought me the flora. He seemed to understand my grief. I wish to be angry or ashamed by this grief at a death I can't even remember happening, but I am not. The blue eyes in my dreams have a face now.


Chapter 8: Chess


Personal Log: Dr. McCoy has indicated there may be some progress. As I have been feeling slight indications that pon farr is coming this is reassuring news.

Jim asked me to play chess today. Although I intended to say no I found the word yes slip from me instead. He was surprisingly a challenging opponent and beat me two out of three times. Nonetheless this lack of control is worrisome.


Chapter 9: Pon Farr


Personal Log: There is nothing but fire. I have one week to secure a mate or I will die. I have inquired on the progress of a cure that will make me again my proper age, though McCoy's lead has checked out he informed me that it will take him a month to properly formulate the cure. To use a human colloquialism; I appear to be quite 'screwed'.


Chapter 10: Secret


Personal Log: I have six more days. I snapped at Jim and he is sending me to Medical Bay. I can only hope that Dr. McCoy has not seen my older self in pon farr. This secret is my own.


Chapter 11: Meditation


Personal Log: The doctor informed Jim. They are both quite concerned. Jim specifically asked me what he could do to help. I shut the door on him. He did not attempt further communication. Perhaps meditation will assist me.


Chapter 12: If Only


Personal Log: I have five more days, despite McCoy hurrying to create a compound that will reverse the transporter malfunctions effects it will still take 10 more days by which time I will die. I dreamt of blue eyes again, their coolness soothing the desert fire in my blood. I have asked the captain to divert to the colony at New Vulcan, its remote location is 8 days from our present location, it also will not be a salvation that arrives in time. If only my home planet was still in existence.


Chapter 13: No Way Out


Personal Log: This is my third day into pon farr. There is no way out of this except to mate. I do not wish to die.


Chapter 14: Volunteer


Personal Log: There are three days until the adrenaline levels in my blood kill me. I am experiencing shakes and can no longer control my emotions. Despite my dread of taking a mate I must. Jim has offered to help, although I do not wish to hurt anyone he has volunteered.


Chapter 15: Wait


Personal Log: Jim has agreed to assist me in any way he can. I still have not told him the true nature of my condition, he will arrive after Alpha Shift.


Chapter 16: Explanation


The door slides open jerking me from my attempts to calm my body. I can tell from the pattern of the footsteps on the group that it is Jim, strange that I should know them so intimately in so short a time. I lift my head.

"Captain, you indicated you would arrive after Alpha Shift. It has not yet terminated." "Alpha Shift ended an hour ago Spock," Jim looked concerned. I could not help but turn my head to look at my computer terminal which remained online from my earlier research. It had indeed been an hour since Alpha Shift was indicated to end shift. "I see." I said keeping my voice neutral. There was a slight hesitation. "McCoy told me you've been ill, and you've asked for my help. What do I need to do? Does it have something to do with the transporter accident?" He was straightforward, to the point. I found myself tempted to take the opening I was presented with, then horrified I realized that I was considering lying. My control is truly in shambles. "Jim are you familiar with Vulcan biological imperatives?" With what I am about to ask him it is only logical I address him by name rather than rank.

"What do you mean Spock?" "Before the accident, did I ever speak with you of…pon farr." I quivered, hesitating before pushing out the word. This was not a matter for outsiders. "Pon Farr?" He sounded curious now, focused.

Sighing I surrendered to the inevitable.

"Pon Farr is a time that comes every seven years to Vulcans from puberty onward. It strips Vulcans of all reason and logic, leaving them prey to more volatile thought processes. During Pon Farr a Vulcan must mate or he will die." Kirk stared at me as if I had grown a second head.

"You're telling me all of this fuss is because you need to get laid. Bullshit."

Despite my grudgingly earned respect for him, I find the Captain to be an especially bothersome human.

"If I do not have sexual intercourse within the next 60 hours I will succumb to a hormonal overload and die, that is correct." I spelled it out for him. Surprisingly it seemed to work. An expression of understanding took his face, he now knew how I intended him to help. There was a long silence. He spoke first. "So, you want me to fuck you." Irritating.

"No Jim, as I am both three times stronger than you, and am slowly being stripped of all logic and left with only primal instinct, it follows that you will be the one 'fucked' as you put it. You should consider it, to use another human irrationality, a miracle that I have as much control left as I do." I couldn't stop the anger coursing in my veins, it seemed to have grown from my irritation as I spoke and with it a tingling that felt suspiciously like lust.

He stared at me, and then his face set in what could be considered a Vulcan mask of calm. He had reached a decision. I waited to hear what it was and then I was overwhelmed. Soft, firm dry lips pressed against my own. I felt them move and knew that my body was responding to arousal, I felt grateful for the meditation robe I had chosen to wear, knowing that regulation uniform would have been painful. The lips pushed harder, the wet press of his tongue begging entrance.


Chapter 17: Golden Light


I did not just allow it, I encouraged it. My lips met his fighting for control. There was for the first time in my life, no voice telling me to stay in control. There was no time for savoring only, thrust of tongue against tongue. It is a human myth that you can tell your soul mate through a kiss.

His hand pressed up against my back closing the distance. I knew that this was not my first time. Logically it could not be, if I was going through pon farr now, then before the accident I had to have at least once. In my katra this resonated. Each movement unfamiliar, overwhelming. I was surprised I could think, even with just this, a kiss…the human way and then we were pressed together.

I fell back onto my bed somehow, I did not remember us moving. He was on top. I growled and thrust against him, my erection brushing his through the Starfleet uniform. My robe was open, and I was laid before him. There was something so important I couldn't remember it.

I let the animal in me have reign. My fingers met his meld points 'My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts'

I couldn't believe this was Spock. My first officer. Mr. Control, Mr. Logic, spread out wantonly before me. I bent down sucking his already pointed olive colored nipple. I couldn't help but feel arousal seeing the product of my darkest wants laid before me. I give a twist to the sensitive nub inside my mouth and he jerks, eyes black.

When his mouth goes on my nipple the last vestiges of logic go, ill I can do is trust myself and this stranger I want so much. Knowing my eyes are black with lust I tear off his shirt and repay the favor. These unfamiliar motions coming to me like breathing with the beating of my heart.

I feel my cock twitching. I pull off the shirt Spock is so eagerly tearing at. Then I clasp his hand as I push my mouth back against his for a savage kiss. I want to reassure him, that I would never take advantage of him. That I …love him.

When Jim grasped my hand, it was a firestorm in my heart to match the burning of pon farr in my blood. A burning that all of this could not ease, I pushed him no longer able to be gentle onto the floor. Jumping on top of him, as I tore down pants and boxers with no restraint.

Suddenly I was on my back, my first instinct was to fight but I couldn't. This was Spock, my friend. He pounced on me, I was reminded of nothing more than a cat, all lean muscle and sinuous lines. Dark, graceful, arrogant.

I pushed down the wash of very human relief when Jim didn't fight me and rubbed up against him, taking his mouth and his fingers into a kiss at the same time, reveling in this feeling of being free. I marked him with my mouth, laving the wounds with my tongue as I stoke myself. He moves to touch himself too, I prevent it.

My arms are pinned above my head. I am flat on my back, legs spread. The things Spock is doing are making me gasp. I don't know whether it feels good or hurts. What scares me more is that I don't care. I moved down, licking that red throbbing human cock. Then lower, looking at his hole and knowing I was going to be buried in him.

I put my fingers against his meld points, I said the words not asking for permission. His presence was permission. I plunged inside him body and mind, gasping at the burning sun that was his spirit and the cool tightness surrounding me.

I felt Spock push inside me, without preparation. It burned, and I knew he had hurt me but there was something else. I knew this place, that clouded my vision. I could feel no pain without the realization that I was not alone. This feeling of being surrounded, penetrated. Coming home.

I thrust into him mindlessly, I could feel his pain but also his awe. I couldn't stop even as I felt his insides slick with a small amount of blood, from my penetration. It was easier to move, and I couldn't help but push. I couldn't help but drive into him. I couldn't help but feel him move beneath me, not to retreat but to push back. I wondered why his mind wasn't running from mine.

I pushed back against Spock. I had never been a bottom before, but the cool liquid swirl of his mind soothed me. I knew I should hurt but I couldn't feel anything but his pleasure and the burning fire surrounding his otherwise placid mind.

I could feel him feeling me. It was like nothing I had ever known. The space I was enclosed in was still tight but looser now. I felt nothing though. His mind was too distracting.

I knew Spock was losing the buildup of lust he needed, I reached for his mind and fed it my darkest secrets, dreams of fucking my First Officer over the captain's chair, of women I'd been with and men, of how I had said his name more than once in someone else's arms back at the academy, before I'd ever really known him. How I dreamed of what he would look like without restraint and with the renewed force of him pounding into me growling my name I knew I had succeeded.

Mine. "Jim" Mine. He wouldn't have to fantasize, his mind fit mine perfectly. Mine now. Thy'la always and forever. I came inside him, my orgasm exploding with unexpected force and just like that I knew I had bonded. His mind stretching from mine, a slender cord of golden light. I fell asleep.


Chapter 18: New Developments


There is no morning in space. The rising of sun and moon is solely a planetary phenomenon. Yet as consciousness returns to me I feel as if my waking was prompted by the warmth of a golden dawn.

I feel no more of the burning of pon farr and this confuses me. In the silence before opening my eyes I search for an answer. It comes to me in a sharp burst of realization and memory. The bond.

I stretch reaching out around the bed but find nothing. There is a small surge of panic. I open my eyes and lift myself into a sitting position. Jim is no longer in the room. Feelings of abandonment and loneliness surge into me from the depth of my katra before an idea occurs to me. A temporary moment of sanity. My eyes swing to the clock. It is alpha shift. It has been 19 hours since the Captain came to me.

A small twinge of abandonment still ate at me. Pon farr normally lasts a minimum of 3 days…but I did not tell Jim that. And for whatever reason the symptoms of pon farr do not touch me now regardless of the short time since it began and of only a single episode of intercourse.

I felt along the bond. The truth of Jim being at work would be easily evident. And it was, I felt focus and boredom along the bond before having even gotten farther along it than the outer areas of my own mind.

Curiosity swept me. As a child they had attempted to bond me to T'Pring. The bond had failed. I had been told I would require a highly compatible and telepathically adapt mate to create a bond. That if a bond could be made it would likely be weak. I had originally intended for the Captain to assist me through pon farr in a mainly physical manner.

This bond was strong. Had they lied to me…Jim was not a telepath let alone a strong telepath.

I followed the bond further curious how strong it was. I could hear a low buzz of thought alongside the feelings now. They were unfocused, likely subconscious. If a true thought was directed at me I would most likely hear it as clearly as if it had been spoken beside me.

I followed the bond outside of myself and suddenly I could see through the Captain's eyes. He was reading reports.

'Spock?'

I jumped in my own mind startled, my discipline broken. Surprised I opened my eyes and was again within my own quarters. He had known I was there.

Before I could ponder the strength of the bond and my as far as I knew psi-null bondmate's clear awareness of me any longer there was a chime from the communication console in my quarters.

I answered it and mildly horrified to realize that I was naked. Thankfully it was positioned on the wall and only my upper body were exposed to view.

"Umm…..hi Spock" he said uncharacteristically cautiously and gently.

"Dr. Mccoy" I felt my horror over my nudity ebb. The Doctor regularly sees patients in various states of dress including myself. It would be illogical to be horrified and yet with one illogical emotion purged from me another somewhat more logical feeling has appeared. Surprise. He still had not spoken past his greeting, so I spoke

"Why have…./So you…" he spoke at the same time.

"Go ahead Doctor" I said in the intervening silence somewhat aggravated by this turn of events.

"Scotty figured out a faster way to get you to the correct age than me. Since you needed to be the right age asap…I told him to give it a go."
I am surprised by the mixed feelings that come up from being told of this solution. I have just bonded. It is illogical to need to hurry or even wish to hurry as the way I am now has become me in my mind. However,…I am of little use to this starship as a commander at this age and Jim…my bondmate…would he prefer me older?

"What is the method by which I will be returned to the correct age?"

McCoy seemed relieve by my directness

"He figured out was wrong with the transporter when we beamed you up, all he has to do is compensate for it and beam you into some other part of the ship."

"Is there not a certain risk to that?"

"Well yeah. Damn transporters are always risky. Whoever thought of taking a person's molecules apart was a total idjit. Anyway…if you're ready there isn't that much risk after all Jim would kill us if me or Scotty lost your molecules in space. And I'm a doctor not suicidal."

I sighed inwardly realizing I did not truly want to return to myself but finding no logical reason to object spoke in the affirmative

"I will assent to treatment."

"Good go to transporter room 2. Scotty will beam you to medbay with the alterations. That should fix things and if not…well at least the bits and pieces will be where I can patch them up."
I winced slightly
"Indeed"

then I turned off the communicator panel and headed to transporter room 2.


Chapter 19: Disorder


The crew members stared at me as I walked through the halls toward the transporter room. I suspected they had never seen me in Vulcan robes before. This surprised me as they were commonly worn at diplomatic functions.

It could also have been the disarray of my usually neat hair that astonished them so. I was in a bit of a hurry, but one could never know with humans.

Other than the stares I was not stopped. This made me feel an involuntary gratitude. I hid it behind a mask, but I realized as I walked that my control was cracked and frayed. Meditation was a necessity and I had skipped it. Almost walking past the transporter room placed the need to order my thoughts more firmly in the front of my mind but it occurred to me I might not need or remember the need for order after being raised to my correct age.

Ignoring my own doubts about submitting to a procedure that was a necessity by my own acknowledgement I entered the room.

"Mr. Scott"

He looked up from the console he was bent over

"Och guid yer haur." Mr Scott muttered as he pulled himself from the console. I stared at him in some confusion unable to understand him.

"Please restate that Mr. Scott." I said as he stood.

"I said good yer here." He said louder and with some annoyance.

"Indeed" I said and when nothing else was forthcoming asked "What do you require in order to complete my re-aging process?"

He looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"Tae transport ye. Dinnae tha doctor explain tha' to ya lad?"

"Of course, Mr. Scott, I apologize. My inquiry was unclear. Do you require any nonstandard actions from me…such as my positioning myself in the manner I was originally beamed up in or at a specific area in the transporter?" I inwardly congratulated myself for covering my lapse but was nearly instantaneously overcome by horror over the illogic of such an action even in my own mind. Luckily Scotty had no telepathic ability and oblivious to my predicament merely gestured toward the transporter.

I stepped onto it suppressing a rising irrational hysteria that had been coming from within me since doctor McCoy had informed me of this solution to my regression. It occurred to me in the instant before the transporter took me that if this succeeded but I had no memory of my time at this age that I would not know I was bonded. I had not recorded it in a personal log. The realization that at least one part of my conflict was rational made me start to step forward, but it was too late…I ceased to exist.


Chapter 20: Breathing


Breathe in.

The smell of antiseptic air.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Darkness. Heavy lids.

Assessing.

There was a mission. I was in the away team. There were two members of security, and eight members of the science department including myself. We had all been briefed beforehand. It was an M type planet. No vertebras. Extensive aquatic life but no land animals or major predators. The Captain remained on board, officially due to protocol in reality out of lack of interest. I was the ranking member. The purpose was to examine a reported dilithium deposit for purity and check the local geology for additional useful materials.

On the day of the mission there were no unusual events. The team assembled in transporter 2 to beam down. Everyone was accounted for. Ensign Yoren was on duty. We beamed down 2 at a time. Security was transported first to secure the area as a precautionary measure. The planet was near the neutral zone. Reports from the neutral zone indicated low levels of activity. Four members of the science team beamed down next. I was in the last group to be beamed down. It was my responsibility as both First Officer and Science Officer to oversee the transport the team as well as a small amount of equipment that went with the security officers.

I arrived on the planet at 1300 hours ships time. The area of the planet in which we beamed down was experiencing the phenomena of day. Weather conditions clear. Security patrolled the perimeter. The mission proceeded smoothly. 15 minutes before the beam up at 1700 hours ion interference was detected as incoming by ships sensors. Mr. Scott had come to transporter 2 to beam up the away team early in order to avoid the full brunt of the ion storm which was expected to begin at 1700 and continue to an unknown time. I supervised a quick packing of the equipment and gathered the team together. An interesting reading on the tricorder caught my attention.

I do not remember the reading. Vulcans have eidetic memories. The lack of knowledge disturbs me. I file the sensation of disturbance for later meditation.

4 of the science team members were beamed up. There was no incident. They beamed up 2 science officers and the security officers. I requested to be last in order to investigate the reading. I was advised to haste and caution. They beamed up the remaining member and the equipment. I went in the direction of the reading's source. Scotty informed me that they had a lock on me and needed to beam me up. At 1658 I acknowledged and requested beam up.

I remember nothing after that.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

There is the beeping of machinery.

Breathe in.

I am in medbay.

Breathe out.

My eyes open.

I am physically adequate.

I am curious as to the reason for me being in med bay.


Chapter 21: Forgetfulness


"Oh good you're awake" McCoy's familiar drawl pushes up against my hearing.

"Indeed" I push myself into a sitting position "How did I come to be in sickbay Doctor?"

"You don't remember?" McCoy seemed confused.

"Negative. It would be illogical to inquire into a matter I had knowledge of."

"Well at least you're still your usual stick up the ass, green blooded robot self."

"Doctor" I intone looking directly into the human's face, "please clarify the circumstances by which I came to be in medbay."

"Fine, fine. Anything with transporters was bound to go wrong somehow." McCoy scowled, "You got de-aged during an ion storm, then Scotty did something to put you back to your own age" McCoy shrugged.

"Something is an imprecise explanation, Doctor." I quirked an eyebrow.

"I'm a doctor not an engineer you hobgoblin!" McCoy spat.

This was as the humans say, 'going nowhere'.

"Am I fit for duty, Dr. McCoy?" I resisted the urge to fidget with the sheet.

"I'll have to check you out" he turned toward his office, "but if you're clear I don't see why not" he finished as he walked off.

The main medbay doors opened drawing my attention. The Captain entered in off-duty blacks. I wondered at the time.

"Spock" he beamed at me.

"Captain" I kept my face still.

His smile dimmed.

"Are you alright?"

"I am functional, Captain"

"Not so fast " McCoy walked back with a medical tricorder. "I'll be the judge of that"

"There are no needs for your beads and rattles Doctor." I stated hoping the captain would smile again, "I am perfectly capable of assessing my physical condition"

"You're one to accuse me of beads and rattles with your Vulcan voodoo Mr. Spock" McCoy frowned, "There's some strange brain activity I can't make heads or tails of but otherwise you seem to be in the same physical condition you were in before the transporter accident."

Kirk smiled at McCoy. I ignored a surge of irrational jealousy, I was clearly in need of meditation.

"Well great, that means Spock can come with me" he looked at me expectantly moving his hand near mine, "Sound good?"

"Negative captain" his smile dropped.

"Negative?"

"I am in need of meditation." I replied.

"Oh, come by after for chess?" He asked hopefully brushing his fingers against mine.

I recoiled climbing out of the bed.

He stared at me face hurt and confused.

"Negative captain" I cast about for some excuse then looked at McCoy "How long ago did the transporter accident occur?"

"A few weeks ago?" McCoy glanced at Kirk with concern.

"I must catch up with reports from the science department" I stated and left ignoring a strange prickling feeling in the back of my head.


Chapter 22: Kirk


James Tiberius Kirk had woken up stupidly happy. It didn't matter that he was sore and covered in bite marks and hickeys. He had finally gotten to be with the man he loved, albeit under less than ideal circumstances. More importantly the man he loved, Spock, was going to live even if he was still de-aged. Jim smiled into the dark hair in front of his face as he started to carefully untangle himself from his best friend. He needed to piss, bathe, and get some coffee in that order. Resisting the urge to laugh so he didn't accidentally wake up his new bond mate Jim climbed off Spock's bed and moved out of Spock's quarters through their shared bathroom to his own room.

Thirty minutes later feeling more human even if he was still walking stiffly Jim was ready to face the world. Spock would probably like some breakfast and Kirk could deliver. Ready to go to the mess hall to grab their favorites Jim was interrupted by the beeping of his communicator.

"Kirk here" he said answering it.

"Captain, we need you on the bridge." Uhura's voice snapped him into command mode.

"Of course, what's the situation?" he was already walking to the turbolift.

"There's a distress signal sir"

"I'll be right there." He turned off the comm and pressed the button for bridge.

The distress signal had been for a nearby ship with no passengers. Kirk had ordered a landing party sent over with Mr. Sulu in the lead. He had been about to have Uhura contact them when he felt a surge of warmth and suddenly and abruptly smelled cinnamon. Startled he opened to mouth to ask if anyone was wearing perfume when a sense of familiarity hit him and all at once he felt both himself and not. If it hadn't been for the recent meld establishing his bond with Spock he wouldn't have recognized the presence inhabiting the same space as him.

"Spock" he said out loud, only half believing that what he was feeling was real. He was psi-null and shouldn't have been feeling Spock so deeply bond or not without a meld.

The presence vanished, and several bridge crew members were looking at him curiously.

"Uhm…" He forced a smile, bewildered as he was it wasn't difficult, "Just thinking about whether McCoy's figured out how to get him back to normal yet." He said for the benefit of his crew. The stares stopped and there were several nods. Everyone missed Mr. Spock being at the science console.

"Uhura, get me Sulu" There was still a ship to investigate and Alpha shift to get through before he could pursue whatever it was Spock had wanted.

"Yes Captain" Uhura responded pressing some buttons.

"Sulu here"

"How are things going over there Sulu?" Kirk was hoping they'd find a simple explanation for why a ship was floating around without a crew.

"Ensign Lewis found some ship's logs but other than that its pretty empty over here."

"Alright, get the landing party back here. Maybe the logs will have some answers"

"Yes sir, Sulu out."

"Captain?" Uhura turned to face him.

"Yes Lieutenant?"

"Dr. McCoy sent up a message"

"What's the message?"

"Scotty found a way to get Spock back to his actual age" She smiled.

"What do we need to do?" Kirk tried to hold back his apprehension. He wanted Spock back but what if…he really needed to talk to Spock.

"Nothing sir, looks like Spock just needs to get transported again."

"Any risks?" Kirk didn't want anything to go wrong.

"Not that he said, do you want me to get him on a channel?"

"No, tell him he can proceed whenever Spock's ready" Kirk would know if anything happened. He could feel Spock even now. Parted and never parted.

After Alpha shift Jim had left in a hurry to change before heading to medbay. He had felt the exact moment that Spock had gone in the transporter. There was a flash of regret and then his sense of Spock had grown dim. The bond was still intact, so he hadn't panicked and only a minute later McCoy had commed the bridge from medbay to report that it had been a success.

As he was heading to medbay he felt Spock wake up. His presence was different and the same. Jim was eager to see him.

Entering into med bay Spock was immediately visible. Without thought Jim walked toward him.

"Spock" Jim beamed at him

"Captain" Spock replied.

Why was Spock being so formal.

Jim felt his smile dim. "Are you alright?"

"I am functional, Captain"

"Not so fast " McCoy walked back with a medical tricorder. "I'll be the judge of that"

"There are no needs for your beads and rattles Doctor", Spock stated "I am perfectly capable of assessing my physical condition"

"You're one to accuse me of beads and rattles with your Vulcan voodoo Mr. Spock" McCoy frowned, "There's some strange brain activity I can't make heads or tails of but otherwise you seem to be in the same physical condition you were in before the transporter accident."

Jim smiled at McCoy he knew exactly why there'd be strange brain activity. It was the bond.

"Well great, that means Spock can come with me" Jim looked at Spock expectantly moving his hand near Spock's, "Sound good?"

"Negative captain" his smile dropped.

"Negative?" Jim didn't understand, why wouldn't Spock want to come with him. Oh God did Spock think that he'd had taken advantage of him.

"I am in need of meditation." Spock replied.

Jim had to pull on his command training not to let out a whoop of relief. It made sense that Spock would need to meditate. They could talk after.

"Oh, come by after for chess?" He asked hopefully brushing his fingers against Spock's.

Spock recoiled climbing out of the bed.

"Negative captain" Spock looked at McCoy "How long ago did the transporter accident occur?"

"A few weeks ago?" McCoy glanced at Jim with concern.

"I must catch up with reports from the science department" Spock stated and left hurriedly.

"What do you think that was about?" McCoy asked staring after Spock.

"I don't know" Jim felt his eyes watering, "I hope he doesn't feel like I took advantage of him."

"Took advantage of him?" McCoy frowned.

"His pon farr" Jim said it faintly saying it out loud only because McCoy had already known, "he was in a vulnerable place, what if he regrets…" Jim couldn't finish his statement.

"You didn't take advantage of him. You saved his damn life" McCoy met Jim's eyes, "he owes you and he knows it."

"Then why did he literally jump when I touched his fingers?" Jim was reasonably certain he was pouting and really wished he wasn't.

"He might not remember what happened." McCoy said remembering Spock's first question when he woke up.

Jim felt like he'd been punched. That hadn't occurred to him.

"Why do you say that?" Jim's voice was oddly level.

"He asked why he was in medbay" McCoy was starting to get worried.

"Oh" Jim felt his shoulders droop, "You can't tell him."

"Of all the hair brained! Why the hell not?" McCoy nearly shouted.

"I…I don't want to trap him." Jim looked away.

"Trap him?" McCoy stared, "How the hell would you trap him? It was meeting a biological imperative. The walking computer would think it was logical."

"We're bonded." Jim didn't want to look at McCoy.

"Son of a bitch! Jim that's even more reason to tell him." McCoy grabbed Jim by the shoulder turning him towards him. Jim kept looking down. He could feel the bond and it was like starlight and everything good in the world.

"I'll tell him if he asks." Jim said pulling himself from McCoy's grasp.

"I hope you know what you're doing." McCoy growled walking back toward his office.

"I hope so too." Jim said softly, trying not to cry.


Chapter 23: Critical Moments


"In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see." Star Trek, season 3, episode 9 ("The Tholian Web," 1968)

I chastised myself for foolishness as I hurried from the sickbay. The Captain had simply been engaging in his usual tactile proclivities. There had been nothing suggestive about it from his perspective and it had certainly not been his fault that I had taken it that way. As ever it was only my perversity making something of simple human nature.

More worrying was the information Doctor McCoy had imparted regarding the transporter incident. A younger version of me had inhabited this ship and my quarters. This was certainly the reason for my lack of recollection of events subsequent to being beamed up on the mission, but how had this younger self behaved. What might I have said or done regressed to my adolescence?

A jolt shivered along my nerves, involuntary and vestigial of my primordial ancestors as a terrible thought occurred…what of my private logs? Had my younger self the clearance to access them? It was imperative I return to my quarters at once to ascertain the security of my logs and perhaps find out what had occurred in those weeks I could not recall.

My quarters were surprisingly unchanged excepting the messy bedsheets. Reaching for these to strip them and place them in the laundry I became aware of the tang of sex and iron. By Surak?! What had my younger self done? I dug through the sheets and found the source of the scent, a mix of dried human blood and bodily fluid.

What had I done?

I left the sheets where they were. It was possible I had committed criminal actions. Also possible was that I had taken leave of my senses and…pon farr?

I hurried to the computer terminal, perhaps my younger self had made logs. Booting it up quickly I found the username remained the same as it had prior to my de-aging but the password was different. Several tries later it opened to ayahC-I the reversal of my childhood Sehlat's name. A quick check of access dates indicated my older private logs had gone untouched and fortuitously my younger self had left private logs of his own.

Less fortuitously they were a disturbing read, pon farr had passed me in my first adolescence not occurring at the usual time due to my human blood. It had not done so a second time and the last entry indicated Jim by name. Combined with the blood on the bedsheets it seemed likely that I had violated my Captain. The only questions remaining were how he had not shown it in medbay and why I was not in the brig.

"Spock, what brings you back to my parlour?" McCoy asked winking at me.

"Most illogical Doctor. You are neither a spider nor I a fly." I responded.

"Take all the fun out of life. See if I care…" McCoy sighed, "What's up Spock, you look worried"

"Vulcans do not worry." I say by rote trying to figure out how to ask whether McCoy knew what happened.

"Horseshit, if you're not worried then I'm not from Georgia" McCoy scoffed.

"I…it is not spoken of" I could not bring myself to ask.

"Not this again!" McCoy raised his voice.

"Again?" I said innocently. Inwardly I hid my dismay. It seemed I had gone through pon farr.

"You green-blood robot it took me long enough to fish it out of you the first time…"
McCoy got up, "by all that's holy I need a drink for this…" he pulled a bottle and two glasses out of his desk drawer. "Now what do you want?" He asked as he poured two liberal measures scooting one toward me.

I stared at the drink silently. Most illogical. I picked it up and took a drink. It tasted like fermented grain. Surak said to first cast out fear it was only logical to proceed.

"Did I go through pon farr after I was de-aged?" I look at the doctor intently.

"Is that all?" McCoy drank from his glass, "Yes you did."

"What was done about it?" I inquired.

"Officially, Jim changed our heading to New Vulcan and I kept an eye on you through the ships bio-monitors and then Scotty figured out how to get you back to your correct age and then we went back on course" McCoy frowned as though recalling something, shuddered and took another drink.

"I see." I got up leaving my unfinished drink on the desk. It was clear that I had done exactly

"Wait Spock."

I turned toward McCoy.

"Jim doesn't regret anything."

I left medbay without responding. It was clear that McCoy had known. He had likely treated Jim's injuries. This was how Jim had given no sign of injury. His concealment of the incident had secured me my freedom from brig. I needed to speak to him at once.


Chapter 24: Blue Eyes


"When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, 1991

I hurried to the Captain's quarters. I needed to apologize. As I had always feared my desires had caught up with me. I had hurt my captain, my friend.

"Come in." the Captain called from his quarters even as the doors opened to allow me entrance in response to my request for entry at the door panel.

"Captain, I must remand myself into your custody. It has come to my awareness that I have committed a heinous crime and must be taken to the brig at once." I stated admiring my own control as my voice stayed steady despite my distress.

"Uhhh? Spock?"

"Yes Captain?" Some confusion was to be expected. What criminal after all admitted to their crimes? It defied self-preservation.

"What crime did you commit?"

Shock filled me. Had I perhaps violated someone other than the captain? It made no sense.

"I raped you during the pon farr." I said hoping to shock some admission from my too honorable captain. He would have likely rationalized it as saving a crew member, he was often selfless and had done foolish things to save me in the past.

"No." He looked right at me blue eyes like nothing more than cold chips of Vokaya

"Captain, I saw the blood on the bed sheets. I've read my younger self's logs." I projected my resignation into my voice, "There is no logical alternative."

"Really, Mr. Spock" His voice was angry, his eyes glittering with unshed tears, "You don't think there's any alternatives?"

I opened my mouth to respond that I had found none even as my conviction began to leave me but was interrupted…

"You don't think I might love you? That I might have wanted to save your life? That we might have bonded?" Kirk used each sentence like a whip, lashing pieces of me away.

I was speechless.

"Well…Spock?!" Jim spit out the words "Please enlighten me." He stepped toward me, "How did you miss this?" And the buzzing in the back of my mind was a roar as he grabbed my hand and shoved it against his face and the world shattered.

I stood on the sands of Vulcan that was. My mind a firestorm. I had always pictured Jim Kirk as water. I had forgotten that water reflects and here in my mind Jim was endlessly gold.

"T'hy'la" I gasped jerking out of the meld.

"I consented" he growled, "and so did you"

"Yes" I whispered back looking into the blue eyes of my bondmate, my captain and my friend.

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