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“Nice cave.”


“Indeed, this location is quite capacious, though soon I suspect you will become parched from the arid nature of our surroundings.”


“Too much words.”


“The storm should abate soon, Captain. These high winds are an aberration on this planet. Now, the inhabitants may grant us asylum until the Enterprise returns. However, I recommend we make a wary and surreptitious approach. The Osmatans have proven themselves brazen, rancorous, and with little empathy for those not fitting their conformist ways. It would be prudent for you to handle yourself in a more restrained manner and avoid provocative behavior. You have reputation as a hedonist, but in the future I would urge you to refrain from further displays of . . . jubilation, which may serve to discredit you in the venerable company of the Osmatan elders, as well as proving deleterious to our sustained longevity.”


“I get it Spock. You're pissed.”


“'Pissed' is a term fraught with connotations, many of which, I must admit, apply. Ordinarily, I would not take it upon myself to scrutinize my superior, yet I cannot find the slightest of thoughts to substantiate or in any way vindicate your behavior. Though I had heard of your often boisterous expression of aesthetic interest, I at first abstained from comment with intrepid forbearance. I even questioned my misgivings as condescending or haughty. After all, your intuitive actions, precocious attitude, and spontaneous solutions, not to mention the nonchalance you so routinely affect, have in the past overcome adversity, in even the most extenuating of circumstances. So exemplary has your past performance been, that I dismissed my initial concerns as inconsequential.”


“That sounded like a compliment.”


“A transient one. On further reflection, your behavior was inevitable, considering what disdain you have shown in the past for responsible and tactful action. Most probably, your past success has been fortuitous.”


“Ouch. Look, can we just make nice before the bird-people come?”


“I have no opposition to reconciliation. I believe that we may continue in an amicable professional relationship and as a Vulcan I shall collaborate with you without bias. However, any camaraderie between us would now be anachronistic. I now consider any touches you may feel compelled to bestow on me superfluous to our relationship. Any justification you will give for such gestures will doubtless be hackneyed and based on the unsound hypothesis that I welcome your touch. Which I do not.”


“But – but Old You said we're meant to be!”


“A spurious line of reasoning.”


“Somehow, I knew you'd say that.”


“I rather doubt that you are suddenly clairvoyant, Captain. Do not fall asleep. I require your attention, as ephemeral as it may be. Our survival is conditional upon the reverence you display when we offer our apologies to the Osmatans. They are likely to be benevolent, as long as you do not doom us with another impetuous action. Be submissive in your body language and make no digressions when you speak. On no account gaze at the High Elder's daughter, though I cannot myself understand what part of her opulent and rather ostentatious appearance so enthralled you.”


“You're pissed because I kissed her!”


“Such a deduction must be enervating for you, Captain.”


“Have a bit of mercy here. I can barely think. My brain is buzzing, Spock. Buzz. Buzz.”


“Your drunkenness is quite evident from the florid appearance of your cheeks. Reminding me of this fact will not foster any further compassion for you. There was no need for you to imbibe the whole keg to begin with, especially since your human body lacks the fortitude to withstand high concentrations of alcohol.”


“Your voice sounds pretty when you're mad.”


“Apparently you are even less coherent drunk than when awake. You are also considerably less subtle.”


“Ha! Like you're so subtle!”


“I am admittedly brusque when the situation requires directness. But I have the sagacity to compromise when necessary, a practice you might be advised to emulate; and I approach all tasks with equal diligence.”


“Tooting your own horn much?”


“A tendency which you would never impute to yourself.”


“I think I'm having a hallucination where you're sarcastic. Which is a scary, scary thing.”


“To reiterate, Captain, our future long life and prosperity depend upon our conduct. Be frugal with your words and gestures. You may fancy yourself a demagogue, but your speech will in this case be deemed prosaic – you are no master orator, and, while canny, as a lobbyist you leave much to be desired. Your words will also be undervalued by the Osmatians due to your comparatively brief lifespan. To a race as long-lived as the Osmatans, humans must seem evanescent.”


“Don't tell me they impressed you, Spock. They're so pretentious, with their head-feathers and their eternal la-la-stones. And their 'sacred convergence' was just the sunrise! Totally mundane.”


“It is true that their scientific capacities are not advanced, but they possess many fascinating abilities nonetheless. The reclusive nature of their society explains many of their quirks and behaviors which we might consider divergent from the standard.”


“Is it just me or is it getting really dry in here? My mouth feels like a – a dry thing. A desert thing. This cave need a renovation. Maybe add some showers. Some replicators. ”


“Do not be querulous, Captain. We must leave the cave for you to drink – we must leave the cave to survive. Stand.”


“Not gonna.”


“You must stand. Do not procrastinate any longer. The storm may soon resume.”


“Look Spock, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. But I'm not going to stand until you forgive me.”


“ . . .”


“Nope. Not standing.”


“ . . . You are tenacious. But not pragmatic. If we do not leave now, we may be trapped for days and perish from dehydration.”


“Sounds nasty. You'd better go then. Probably much more likely to survive without me around.”


“ . . . I cannot abandon you, Captain.”


“Jim. And I can't stand until you forgive me. So, we're sort of at an impasse.”


“. . . I capitulate.”




“I do not forgive you. But I pardon you. And I abdicate any future responsibility for ensuring your good behavior. Plainly that task is too mammoth for even a Vulcan.”


“Thanks Spock. And next time I promise I won't flirt with anyone except you-- um . . . I can't stand. Uh. Spock. A hand?”




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