No one wants to be alone on Valentines day
A/N: I know that it is long past Valentine's day but I’m redoing all my star trek stories so here's another one I updated, I hope you enjoy please review (let me know if you think that it is better than it was). There is also a sequel in the works but I am unsure of when I will finish it (or even start it lol).
It was Valentines day, a day dedicated to showering the one you love in gifts and passion, which sucks if you are on your own like Jim was, Jim didn’t even see the point in Valentine's day, if you couldn’t show somebody that you loved them everyday without resorting to overpriced crap then you didn’t really love them. Jim believed it was more the little things that meant more than some random overblown gesture. He knew he would prefer a relaxing neck massage after a long day working by someone he loved than been taken to a spa where the people were clinical and paid to be nice.
Love was seeing someone and them making you smile even when you've had the worst day possible and you think that you are never going to smile again. Love was someone who knew you didn’t want to talk about something and never brought it up but were still willing to listen if you changed your mind. Love was watching really bad movies and keeping quiet because your partner enjoys them. Love was always putting them first because you believed that they meant more than your own life. Love was about giving a gift because you felt like it not because someone told you to, it was buying a gift that your partner had an eye on for a while but had talked themselves out buying it because it was too expensive or whatever. Valentine's day was not about love, it was about the person who was giving not the person who was receiving when it was supposed to be the other way round.
Jim was sat in the overcrowded mess hall, which had been turned into a horrendous and totally vomit inducing cheese-fest, the entire room was bedecked in pink and red streamers and there were lots of pictures of cupid on almost every surface and wall along with the stereotypical hearts, everyone was laughing and dancing, merriment shining in their eyes. Not that Jim was looking at the rest of the room, his gaze was fixed upon the one being whom he loved more than anything even (god forbid) his ship, but that person was currently in the arms of another, in the arms of someone who was so much better than him, so much more worthy.
Uhura looked radiant even six months pregnant, the pregnancy obviously agreed with her and as for Spock, well Spock just looked breath taking, they were dancing in the centre of the room and all eyes were upon them as they were such a striking couple. Uhura had obviously talked Spock into wearing a Tuxedo because Jim knew that Spock preferred to wear the traditional Vulcan attire during his off hours rather than human style clothing, if Uhura hadn’t been totally in love with Spock he might have even tried to get with the Vulcan.
Love was about not breaking up a couple because you are in love with one of them, love was about putting your own feelings to one side and letting the other go if they truly wanted to leave. Love was standing up as best man because you were his best friend, love was not saying a word when it was asked if there was any reason not to allow them to join together in matrimony. Love was pretending everything was alright even when it felt like everything was falling apart.
Everyday was hard when he saw them together but Valentines day was just so much harder because it was just shoved in his face and nothing could make him feel better not alcohol (he had tried it and it didn’t work, it was the first time alcohol had failed at making him forget the pain) and not another person (hell he couldn’t even get it up any more unless he thought about Spock, which made him feel even worse). He knew he would never have had a chance with Spock, he guessed it just wasn’t meant to be.
Just when Jim couldn't take any more of their loving gazes upon on another, they broke apart from their embrace and made their way through the gathered crowd and to presumably their shared quarters, that realisation felt like some one had taken a blade and stabbed it into his heart and then just for fun twisted it. Spock and Uhura had bonded on New Vulcan just over a year ago and they were still so obviously in love and that killed Jim, they had then had a federation wedding ceremony a few weeks later as Uhura's family couldn’t make it to the Vulcan ceremony.
Jim had never been with a male before but all he could think about was Spock, about having him in his arms and loving him. It had taken a year since the narada for them to be considered friends, two years since they had become best friends and two and a half years for Jim to realise that he was in love for the first time, Jim had stopped his flirtatious ways when he became the captain of the Enterprise and before then Jim always kept his 'encounters' as strings free as possible.
Jim was just glad that there was less than a year left for the five year journey and that they were going to go their separate ways (at least Jim hoped they were), he didn't want to be selfish, he didn't want there to be a day without seeing Spock but he couldn't keep himself locked in hell, having Spock so close but yet so far.
Jim got up from off his seat and made his way back to his own lonely and cold quarters, he was stopped several times along the way by various crewmen and women who offered to share their bed with him but as always he turned them down as gently as possible, it might sound stupid or foolish but ever since he had realised that he loved Spock he had been unable to have a relationship or even a one night stand because it felt like he was cheating on Spock (and that was without his 'performance' issues) even though he knew that Spock was with someone else and he certainly wasn't waiting for Jim.
Jim did think about calling McCoy to let him know how he was but he knew he looked a mess and McCoy would notice that straight away. Ever since McCoy had taken an Earth posting nine months ago (to look after his daughter when Jocelyn had died, he didn't want Joanna to be raised in space), Jim had started to lose weight and he was barely getting three hours sleep a night. He had no one to talk to about his feelings for his First Officer, he couldn't even talk to Ambassador Spock who was living on the New Vulcan colony because Spock was worried about changing the time line even more than it had already changed, hell he had no one to talk to most days about anything other than work.
Exhausted and lonely Jim climbed into his empty bed and closed his eyes hoping that tomorrow would be a better day, just like he did every night. Maybe when Spock left and got promoted Jim would finally be able to move on rather than live on in this interminable limbo. When he realised that he wasn't going to get any sleep Jim got out of bed and made his way to his desk, to grab the last of the sleeping pills Jim had been given by McCoy before he left, Jim took the pill and climbed back into bed and lost himself to the sweet darkness that overcame him. If he had been anyone other than James T. Kirk, then was more than a slight chance that he may have downed the rest of those pills in the hope that he never woke up again but fortunately for the universe he was.