Jim pushed against Spock with an urgency he didn't want to think about. Spock's mouth and body yielded to him, and he pinned him against the wall of this anonymous hotel room. It was just a few steps until they were on the bed and stripped, Kirk spooned from behind, buried within.
They moved together, not thinking; that couldn't happen now, because soon enough they would have to. Jim pressed his nose to Spock's nape, feeling the short hair damp, surprised and touched by Spock's arousal. It made him feel desperate, more desperate than he did already. He moved faster, heard Spock release a breath.
Suddenly, he couldn't maintain and twitched erratic, coming. Felt Spock go boneless too, and knew he was spent.
No. No no no.
He remained for a moment, then pulled out and away. Laid down, feeling defeated. Spock stayed silent, but turned around and laid on his side, face near Jim's.
“Nothing will change,” Spock said softly.
“How can it not?”
“It is simply something I must do, can you not see that?” a tone as close as Spock would ever take to pleading.
“Do you care for her?” Her, that Vulcan bride looming in the distance. Not so distant anymore.
“It is not the same, you know this.”
“How do I? Your minds will touch, you could very well grow to love her. She could grow to love you, once she knows you.” Jim still just laid there, eyes closed. He couldn't have this conversation sitting up, watching Spock talk about this thing that was going to destroy their lives.
“I could, but I will not. She will slake the pon farr, she will tend my familial property, and possibly bear children. I will not be returning to Vulcan. She will have to be content with the stature she acquires.” Jim could hear Spock's sorrow and desire for him to absolve him of this one thing. So why couldn't he?
“It's a human weakness, we don't like to share.”
“There is little choice in the matter. My parents require a daughter-in-law, my mother cannot attend to her familial duties forever, Jim. My father has no other children to care for the estate. It is a business arrangement, little more.”
Jim finally opened his eyes, and looked at him. “No one ever said accepting duty was easy.”
“I know.” Jim finally answered. Spock slipped his fingers between his. He lost himself for a moment running his thumb over Spock's nails.
Spock inched closer, his body molded against Kirk's, lips near his ear.
“Please, Jim.” Do not make this harder, silently added.
Jim rolled to meet him, now they were twined together, their faces inches apart breathing each others air. Inhale, exhale.
“You'll come back?”
“Are you mine?” A possessive fire sitting low in his belly, human jealousy at its most raw.
Jim made a low noise, and relented, letting them melt together in a way they hadn't for some time.
“Mazel tov, Mr. Spock.”
“Thank you, Captain.”
He felt Spock's fingers in his hair, his hot lips against his neck.
“Jim.” That one word, saying everything, giving all his love, his regret, his devotion.
He kissed all his back, hoping Spock would feel it.
“You're going to miss your shuttle if you don't get up soon.” He was reluctant to let go, and could feel the same in Spock.
Spock nodded slightly and sat up to dress. Shortly, he would walk out that door, and then what? Jim sat up too, began looking for his bag.
Finally finished, they faced off at the door, uncertain of how to say goodbye now that it was really here. It would be 2 months before the Enterprise would pick Spock up given sailor's luck. They were waiting for something.
Spock opened his mouth but Jim cut him off. He had to say this, he wouldn't forgive himself if he didn't. It might be one of the times it was actually true.
“I love you.” Short, guttural. Words whose actual meaning he had spent a lot of effort staying away from. He didn't have any love to spare, until this moment.
“And I you.”
Kirk had to close his eyes again, he didn't want to watch this. Clenched his jaw so hard it sent a dull ache into his brain.
When he finally felt Spock leave, he let himself open his eyes again. Looked around at the shitty hotel room near the space port, and went back to the bed. Soon he would have to go back to the ship, and pretend that he was fine, that he couldn't wait to get back out to space. Sleep, that was what he needed to regain his equilibrium. Sleep, hopefully of the dreamless variety.