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Story Notes:

(This idea came to me, literally while staring at a sign that said 'Creamy and Spicy', so this might not be in the least bit kosher...)

Author's Chapter Notes:

(Songs for chapter titles, this one is by AWOLNATION)

Our narrators are: Khan, Uhura, and Bones. Might add more if it makes sense, but so far this is it. 

Usually, Captains do not lay on the floor in their cabin when there are plenty of places for them to sit. Then again, I guess, James Kirk was not most Captains. He was different. I liked that he was. The fact that he was willing to go the extra mile to get the job done was, admirable. The fact that he was able to get one Commander John Harrison permenantly transferred to the Enterprise was even better. 

Most people knew that my name was not John Harrison. I am Khan Noonien Singh and I am damn proud of it. I am the U.S.S Enterprise's Tactical Officer, a job very fitting to my demenor. From there I was able to keep a decent eye on my torpedoes, which in case anyone was wondering contained the last of my crew. Starfleet even agreed that if by some miracle I was able to go 1.5 earth years without blowing something up I could have them back as people. 

"OHHHH Johnny-boy, the pipes, the pipes...are calling," Jim sang, in a rather unfortunate sounding voice as I entered his quarters.

I scrunched up my nose. I was not fond of that name. "For one, I would prefer you not call me that. Two, those are not the correct words. Three, why did you call me in here?" 

"I am pining,"

"You are what?"


"And that has required you to call me here...because?"

"I need a distraction," 

"Okay," I took a deep breath, though completely unnecessary. "What would you like me to do?"

"Idunno," He said as he sat up. "You're a genius. Think of something."

"That has got to be one of the stupidest things you have ever said," I replied with a roll of my eyes. 

"Get your heterochromic butt down here and talk to me!" He demanded.

"I believe I am perfectly capable of talking to you while standing,"

"That is an order," Dammit.

"Oh my," I muttered, taking my seat beside my Captain.

"So, how is Khan today? Did Khan do anything interesting?" He asked as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Does Khan have any plans?"

"You are incredibly intoxicated, I thought that was what I smelled,"

"That may be true, but you didn't answer my question,"

"Khan is...wait...I am okay. I have worked in botany and medbay as well as on the bridge, nothing out of the ordinary. I have no plans."

"Good...good...you can stay with me then..."

"I am not drinking with you if that is what you mean," I should have ignored his call. 

"Naw, course not, I know you won't drink with me, I has a better idea. See, I am pining for someone I can't have and you...lo and behold...I know for a fact that you have probably not had any 'interactions' since that night I walked in on you and Carol...so, you can stay with me." 

I did not have time for this right now. 

I certainly did not want affection from someone who would be thinking of someone else the enitre time. 

It must have been his weekly attempt at pushing my buttons.

"I think it is time for me to leave," I whispered. 

As I tried to get up he grabbed my the bottom of my shirt and pulled me back down. I had taken to acting like his strength was somehow comprable to mine. It was rather pitiful watching him try to pull me down and not succeed, or trying to pull me down and me falling on top of him. 

"No, don't leave," 

I sat back down, the beginnings of anger flowing through me. "Jim,"

"KHAN!" He shouted in a mocking deep voice, following it with drunken laughter.

"No, no, don't do that," 

"C'mere, you...you...almost human...pretty eyed...person...officer...guy..." He tried to kiss me, but my large hand was able to keep his lips at bay. 

"Jim, you need to go to bed,"

"No, I need to kiss you,"

I quickly used the strength I promised to keep hidden and threw him up on his bed. I laid down beside him with my arm positioned to keep him from jumping my bones. I was going to get to the bottom of this.

"Permission to speak freely sir,"

"You never don't speak freely...sir..."

I rolled my eyes again. He was ridiculous. "Okay...who are you pining for? Someone on the ship?"

"Yes, someone on the ship,"

"And the answer for the first question?"

"I am pining for...MISTER SPOCK!" The mocking tone was back, but this time he was imitating the Vulcan First Officer's monotone voice.

"OH!" I said excitedly. "Oh! Of course."

"He will never go for me...so I could play with you..."

"NO! You are not using me as a...toy? I think I might be able to help you with your problem. You...you just go to sleep."

I got out of his quarters as fast as I could. Of course, my hair was ruffled and Doctor McCoy was walking by so it did look slightly suspicious, but I was on a mission and I did not care. My feet could not take me to botany fast enough. This was going to take proper planning and I was going to make all of this right. Even if that meant that I had to enlist the help of lesser humanoids to do it. 

"Again?" McCoy said, with a smile I wanted to smack off of his face.

"If by again you mean that Jim is drunk and crazy, yes,"

"Uh huh, that is what is going on, everyone else already thinks the two of you have something special. That is what happens when you spend a lot of time in the Captain's quarters and you happen to be his equal."

"So is Spock,"

"Spock? Really?"

"Yes, and I have a plan,"


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