“Please let me in, Spock” James T. Kirk was pleading.
Jim takes several steps closer to the Ambassador. “I can’t live like this anymore. Please- I need to know, I need to know from you.” The captain's blue, blue eyes were filled with worry and desolation.
“Jim, how can you possibly know what you are asking for?” Spock feels older than he imagined possible.
“Don’t think you can treat me like that!” Jim takes Spock’s shoulders, his eyes wide and hurt.
“I already know too much, and I need to know clearly-I need to understand. And you need it as well. Don’t deny what’s in your eyes, Spock!” Jim was worried and the scream in his mind that something was really wrong with Spock was strong.
Spock lets this Jim guide him to the sofa, feeling all the years of loneliness as he sits. What can he say to make this younger Jim, see the futility of this? To understand that there is no way he can come back to the future- return to who awaits him.
How can he let this boy see his heart, see his desolation, his loneliness, his want? His soul's own burning desire to fuse with this beautiful creature with the wrong eyes.
Spock reminds himself that he must look into those sky eyes, and remember the difference. He cannot do it. This is not his Jim, of course; but his heart is old and fragile, too old, too alone to want to tell the difference. And that is the part that scares him.
“Spock, I won’t take ‘No’ for an answer. This is me, and James T. Kirk always gets his answers.”
Spock knows this -knows that this man with the electric blue eyes can take his very soul if he wants to.
“I will meld with you, James. But understand that this is not your brightest idea, my old friend. I do not want to hurt you further. As I told you before, I cannot share the facts with you about a ghost future that will likely never come. Nor can I leave you without a future. I am concerned that you think it is your responsibility to stay with me for life, and that you should remain at my side up until my time comes. My life is not your responsibility, Jim. Also I understand that you are frustrated because of my error in judgment.”
Jim looks at him as if he is about to slap him. Spock sighs and wonders how can be they so different and remain the same. “James, it was my error to think I was in control enough to allow my past life with my Jim to escape to your mind - and maybe more.”
“I understand that you want to help me, and perhaps believe that you have feelings for me -or maybe you feel the obligation to me - but i will do as you ask. We will meld, and I will show my emotions and memories, and how they are not yours. But not today. I need to meditate for the night, and you need to be sure this is what you really want, my friend.”
Jim is so hurt and angry that he wants to shake Spock, but he only grabs his shoulders with force.
How can he explain to this wall of stubbornness, that if they are married or something, Jim will be there for him?
In any case, no one in his life had shared the kindness, trust or the unconditional love still blazing in his mind as this man did in that cave. So he will be with Spock - Jim is not afraid anymore. All the anger has been banished. Jim calms down and with a sad smile said, “Of course I want it, Spock. I want to help, to be for you - but I need to know.”
“Then - return in the morning, James.”
Jim tries to say something back, but he seems to understand it is no use. So he nods and asks for the transporter to beam him up.
Spock looks at him while the body of the young captain sparkles in light and disappears. Spock is more alone now, that he was all those years - before the cave, definitely before this. Knowing that he certainly bonds himself, an old Vulcan, to a young and promising savior of the universe, is not good news. Knowing that he must ruin this Jim and his younger self forever, it is unforgivable.
Spock tried to soothe his mind, because he must confront Jim in the morning and try to sever this bond, even if he dies from it. Jim will have a bright future; he will not ruin that too.Spock finally accomplishes meditation an hour later, and he remains throughout the night.
<center>--- The sun always rises, do you want it or not. ---</center>
The next morning, James comes to knock on his door very early.
Spock answers the door with a small smile. “Please come in James.”
Jim enters “Hi there”.
Jim didn’t sleep at all. The Only thing the night brought was more firm resolution. So he is trying to be charming and confident, but Jim knows that Spock can notice he failed miserably. He must know the truth about this bond thing and about the memories, and he will not back up even if he is married and he must drag the ambassador across the galaxy, because he will stay as captain either way.
“Would you like some tea? New Vulcan’s tea leaves grown in this soil are very good,” Spock says, he was as tired as Jim felt.
“Of course Ambassador, if it’s not any trouble?” Spock knows that Jim is trying to be polite, but the title breaks his heart a little more. “Not at all my old friend, I was brewing one for myself.”
Spock finds the aroma from this particular mix to be rather endearing. His mother, who had usually disliked Vulcan tea as she found it bitter, had added jasmine and honey to sweeten it. This fragrance calms Spock – it makes him think of his mother’s flower garden and the jasmine in her tea.
Jim nods his ascent, so Spock leads him to his living area, to the table, where he offers a cup to the young Captain. They sip it in silence, trying to avoid the issue at hand, but the air is heavy with the things unsaid.
“So how we can do this?” Jim asks trying to ease the ambiance with a little smile.“Sit on the couch. I will meld with you to ascertain the nature of our link, and figure out if it is light enough that I could sever it.” Jim stand up alarmed.
“Hey, no one’s severing anything yet. I want to know what it is first and what it implies- then we talk about it.” Jim demanded with all his body.
“As you wish. But I believe it would be beneficial to take away this hindrance in your life, if possible.” Sherlock looked more old and sad that never before.
Jim takes Spock wrist forcefully. “No, I will decide what’s a hindrance, thank you very much. First I want to know what will happen to you, in case we were doing something that could hurt you.”
“Then we will talk about it, James.” Omission regarding what they will talk about is clearly not a lie. Spock will not be bond to this Jim and taint the Captain of the Enterprise’s future. If he must die for this, he will be grateful.
Jim gives him an encouraging smile and says, “Let’s begin, Spock.”
Spock nods and puts his fingertips in the meld points, and waits for permission. Jim nods and Spock recites “My mind, to your mind, my thought to your thoughts, our minds one and together…”Spock is immediately sucked into the sun. He misses the sun so much, this is different from his Jim’s mind- his Jim was vibrant and warm as the terra own sol. This Jim was more like the sun of Vulcan, big, red and wiser.
He is called by the link between their minds - but first he needs to see how many of the memories of his Jim were in the mind of this one.
The Captain’s thoughts are open for him, but Spock only follows the paths that he knows could be tainted by his own memories. There is no problem with the flux of time; James only retains echoes of a life, a life of the love of two people, who are not the James or Spock of this universe.
There is nothing concrete, and so he believe it will be easy to eliminate this burden from James. Spock starts to go for them, but he feels the younger’s resistance - James wants these memories, these ghosts.
Spock is unsure how to go about this, but he does not want to hurts James in any way, so they will have a conversation about it later. Spock cannot help but feel reverent over this sun, this dynamic mind. To use force on it feels somehow, wrong.
But he knows he must continue on the work at hand. He follows the link- a blue line like James’ eyes. It was thin, but strong; and in the core of the Captain’s mind was another bond. Thicker and stronger in emerald green- it was incipient, but there. A young Spock’s link with Jim.
With the care of his love for any Jim, Spock studies both links and smiles in the meld. His concerns will no longer be. He will have peace of mind, he can heal, possibly aided by the blue bond in this precious mind.
It is clear that in this time he will not burn, for this younger version of his T’hyla. Spock decides to leave it there- and after staying a little longer enveloped in the warm sun of his homeland, he slips away, like reciting a mantra while living a temple.
Jim feels almost sleepy; he still feels the love and the care left by Spock, and he craves for more. He is so alone in this universe.
This beautiful man is the first one to really cares for him- believes in him. Jim is sure that there is no way he could have done what he did, on that god-forsaken planet, or against that madman in the first place, if he hadn’t felt the warmth from this Vulcan who believes in him, more than himself. Jim opens his eyes.
Spock looks at him with fondness “James, I will be forever grateful if you decide to keep the bond we share.” Spock was glowing with a new light, looking and this mean so like his own Jim.
Jim is astonished, after everything this man has said previously. No words come from his mouth.
Spock smiles. “James we share a familial bond. One that Vulcans share with their parents. So every fear I had about hurting you in the future was invalid.”
Spock’s frame becomes darker; he is concerned about Jim’s reaction. He knows all the bad deeds he has done, and even though this bond is a safe one, maybe James will not want to be near him.
“I know that you certainly will want to sever it, because you have your mother and your brother who must be in my place- I wonder about the ghost memories you keep from my failed meld on Delta Vega, I really think they must be removed for your health and -”
Spock cannot finish the sentence, because Jim silences him with a big hug. Jim is happy and the feeling is contagious.
“Spock, I would be honored to be your son, son in law, grandchild- whatever… You’re an important person in my life. I never got to know my father; my mother was never around enough for me - to know if she cared. It makes me really happy if you’d have me.”
“James, I would be honored to have you as my family.” Sherlock beamed at Jim one of that smiles that young Spock couldn't make yet.
Jim continues hugging Spock, and Spock cannot let the embrace go. It was heartwarming feel the happiness of the young Captain. Spock can let himself be happy, because all these terrible months are behind him. Spock allows a smile of relief and Jim gives him his more charming smile before he kisses Spock’s cheek and releases the hug.
“And they say Vulcan can’t smile,” says Jim, teasing Spock, as he hold his smile. “We should celebrate with more tea- and some food because - I’m starving. After that you’re telling me about you and the other me, and other awesome stuff about you.”
Spock nods and heads to the kitchen, wondering if it is good idea to tell to the young captain about his nuptial bond with his alternate self. But he dismisses it because that story must take his own course and he will be honored to see them develop that bond in the future.
As for Spock’s time, he was sure his Kolinahr tools and this familial bond with Jim will be enough to keep him in this universe for the time he has left to serve his people- and be there for this beautiful man with wrong color eyes.