Disclaimer: Star Trek does not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry has TOS and JJ Abrams has NuTrek. NuKhan is played by Benedict Cumberbatch. Bilbo Baggins belongs to Tolkien.
A/N: This is probably one of the crackiest fics I have ever written, so ye be warned!
Khan Completely Fails As A Dictator
Zefram Cochrane Auditorium
Ambassador Spock was teaching a class on Interspecies Ethics. His students were diligently taking notes as he lectured on about how far humans had come since his day in terms of accepting alien beings.
Suddenly, a mysterious figure dressed in a gray Starfleet top, black pants, and shiny black boots burst into the room. He strode down the aisle towards Spock. He oozed confidence. The students took immediate notice of him and a hush fell over the class.
"Be calm," Spock instructed his students. Then he turned to the intruder. "May I help you?"
"Ambassador Spock – how good it is to see you!" The man said smoothly. He offered the ta'al to the ancient Vulcan.
Spock returned the greeting. "What is your name?" The old Vulcan inquired, even though he already had identified the intruder.
"Khan Noonien Singh. Maybe you have heard of me?" said the muscled dark-haired man.
Several of the students gasped in fright. Khan had successfully taken over Zeta III before Starfleet had driven him away into hiding. Apparently he was back to enact his vengeance on Ambassador Spock, of all beings.
"I have heard of you and your disquieting actions. What brings you to my lecture?" The Vulcan asked.
"I just wanted to inform you that your mind is now under my control, as are those of your students." Khan openly smirked as he narrowed his eyes just a tad and raised his left hand.
"I do not believe that statement is correct," Spock said quietly.
"You are under my control," Khan repeated.
"I most certainly am not." Spock sounded the tiniest bit apologetic. "Also, I am shielding my students from your powerful yet undisciplined mind."
"Excuse me?" Khan looked affronted.
"You are a troubled Superhuman," Spock declared. "Did you actually believe that I would 'fall under your spell' as humans say?"
"Why isn't it working?" Khan whined. "It always works on old people."
"I am Vulcan," Spock reminded him. "Son, I learned how to shield my mind against psi attacks well before you were born."
"Ooh, you got told!" One of the male human students shouted. He high fived his neighbor, an Andorian.
"Just out of curiosity, why did you wish to take over my mind?" Spock asked, bringing the focus back to Khan.
"I'm a benevolent dictator – not just a regular dictator. My subjects are much easier to control if I just take over their minds and command them to do things," Khan explained.
"I see," said the elder Vulcan. "Why did you target me, one of the most powerful telepaths of our time?"
"That rumor was true?!" Khan turned white, whiter than he already was. (And this guy was pasty.) "I thought you Vulcans just made that up to scare enemies away from the new colony. It's not like you have ever taken over someone's mind before, like I have."
Spock's eyebrow twitched. "I have had to meld with criminals in the line of duty. I had to probe their minds for the answers that I sought."
"But you are so damn ethical about it! That doesn't count," said Khan. "Besides, I thought you were growing senile."
"Why do you think that?" The Vulcan asked.
"Because!" Khan started to sweat. "Every year you decide to retire from Starfleet and two weeks later you always change your mind. That's a fact!" He added in case anyone in the room thought he made that statement up.
"It is a publicity stunt for Starfleet. Do not tell me that you actually fell for it?" Spock watched Khan's face closely. "Oh my Surak. You did!" Spock crowed.
The students erupted into laughter. Some of them pointed and sniggered at Khan, which only angered him.
"I didn't fall for it!" Khan snapped. "I'm smarter than that, you old fool."
"See how he ineffectively uses name-calling to get a rise from me," said Spock.
All the students got on their PADDS and started taking notes again.
"Stop it!" Khan pouted. "I'm not your lab rat. Gosh."
"He is behaving much like a spoiled child," Spock observed. "Or a Q."
"Quit analyzing me!" Khan screamed. "I don't like it." He stamped his food hard. "Don't make me kill you. Because I will."
Spock sighed. "I would like to see you try."
"It wouldn't even be a challenged with my super strength," Khan yawned. Then he rushed Spock with a surprise ninja attack.
All that Spock did was merely step to the right and out of nowhere Admiral Kirk sprang from the wings and took out Khan with a flying kick.
"Owww. What the hell?" Khan cried. "How is that even possible? He's like ninety. Also, that's cheating!"
Kirk and Spock exchanged a look before turning back to the failed dictator. "I love to cheat," Kirk said lightly. "Hey, Spock, guess what?" He didn't wait for Spock to answer. "I got promoted! Again!"
"Congratulations, my Jim," said Spock. He reached for Kirk's hand and Kirk squeezed it.
"So hot," one of the brunette female students whispered to her girl friend.
"I heard that," said Spock. He released his bondmate's hand and not-glared at the girl, who blushed. Everyone in the audience chuckled.
"I don't know if you knew this or not, Mr. Khan, but every time Spock "retires", I get promoted," Kirk explained. "This year they had to make up a title for me because they ran out of new ones."
"No shit," said Khan. "Huh. What was it?"
"Dictator… of… Starfleet."
"No, dumbass," said Kirk.
"Quit making fun of me!" Khan pouted.
"Why? It's so easy to do," Kirk smirked.
Out of nowhere, a new person appeared on the scene. He skidded to a stop next to Khan.
"I'm here, buddy! Sorry I'm so late!" The guy was dressed up like Bilbo Baggins complete with pointed ears and hairy hobbit feet.
"WTF man?" Khan glared at his friend. "I had to take on Spock alone. And then, Kirk showed up. I got double teamed!"
"Sorry, Sherly… I mean Khan," said Bilbo. "I didn't think you needed my help that much."
"Of course I do, John… I mean Bilbo," Khan blubbered. "I love you. I want to make you my First Lady Dictator!"
"Lady?" Bilbo looked shocked.
"IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION," Khan howled. "I want you by my side for always and forever and stuff."
"Aw," said Spock. "Jim, look. They are in love. Now Khan won't want to be evil anymore."
"I can't do this anymore," Khan sobbed. "I really sucked at being bad."
"I didn't want to be the one to tell you," said Bilbo. "But, it's true."
"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!" Khan cried. "I'm out of a job. How will we pay rent and feed Gladstone? I spent all my money on Vegas showgirls costumes."
"You could always join Starfleet. Assuming you could pass the psych eval," Kirk muttered under his breath.
"Really?" Khan's eyes lit up. "That would be, like, SO MUCH FUN!" Then his eyes began to water as he realized that his dream of being a galaxy-wide dictator would never come true. Bilbo gave him a hug and he felt better.
"And that concludes my lecture," Spock announced, hoping to give them some privacy. "Class dismissed!"
The students left, talking excitedly amongst themselves. That was the most interesting class they'd sat through in years.
Kirk and Spock went off home together, presumably to have hot old people gay sex.
Khan and Bilbo went off together, presumably to have hot young people gay sex. Khan promised that he would never try to take over someone else's mind again. Excluding Bilbo, of course.
A/N: What did you think? Crazy, too crazy, not crazy enough? Let me know!