Desperate Times, Desperate Measures
Leonard McCoy, CMO of the USS Enterprise, was convinced he was just never supposed to have any sort of luck with women. This theory was validated just ten minutes ago. One month ago, he just so happened to take advantage of the fact that neither his best friend and captain, James T. Kirk, nor the green-blooded hobgoblin and first officer, Spock, were partaking of dinner in the officer's mess. McCoy had seen a rather dejected-looking Nyota Uhura sitting by herself, seemingly picking at her replicated food with her fork. Well! McCoy thought that two people sitting alone in the mess was a waste, so he went over and sat with her.
What started as a simple meal between friends soon turned into a counseling session, wherein the resident medical doctor of the Enterprise found himself in the role of love doctor - not exactly his strong suit. The Communications officer released all of her held in frustrations over her recent split from Commander Spock over the course of a very long dinner, dessert, and post meal coffees. The conversation freaked McCoy out for a while, until he realized something very important.
Nyota Uhura was single.
Not only was she single, but she was extremely attractive, and she wasn't a brainless bimbo. From what her main complaints were about her ended relationship with a Vulcan, she wanted something a little more...raw and - quite frankly - emotional. Apparently a woman with her level of intelligence can only accept being held in simply high regard for so long before her temper exploded. Figured that the emotionless rock couldn't even say "I love you," to one of the most exceptional women McCoy had ever had the pleasure (even displeasure) of knowing.
Then, McCoy realized something else.
Nyota Uhura can give Kirk's attitude right back at him, and sometimes win!
Single and wittily combative.
This might work.
It took a while, but it did work. They began to date a week later. But being a proper Southern Gentleman, there was no way he was going to take things at a pace that she did not wish to travel. Hell, no! Not after the last time he went blazing into a relationship and the way that turned out. No, ma'am!
His patience paid off. McCoy had just been invited into Uhura's personal quarters, and then...
He was called to Sickbay.
And that was how he found himself walking into his castle - his medical bay - glaring venomously at Jim Kirk who sat on a bio-bed.
"Damnit, Jim, what in the hell is so important that it absolutely couldn't wait?"
He didn't care that Jim's skin was discolored and reddish around his left eye, left cheek, and his mouth. He really did not care.
"Bones, can't you see I have a problem?"
"Did it ever occur to you that I have a life - granted, not much of one, but still it's a life! - outside of this medical bay?" he asked furiously as he rifled through his supply cabinet.
The reply was a moment in coming. Quietly - was Jim actually showing remorse? - his friend asked, "Did I interrupt something?"
McCoy turned to face Kirk. "What would you say if I told you you did, you delinquent?"
Kirk worried his bottom lip before wincing. "Half-heartedly apologize?" It earned him a fiery glare. Kirk huffed and threw his hands in the air. "Damnit, Bones, will you just give me something for this or not?"
The doctor stomped over to Kirk and studied the skin discoloration. "What'd you do?"
"Touch anything new?"
"Eat anything unusual?"
"Doesn't matter, kid, it's something else to add to your ridiculously long allergy list! You're gonna have to stay here for the night until the symptoms go away."
He shoved Kirk onto his back on the bio-bed. "So, wait, do you know what this-" Seemingly out of nowhere, he produced a hypo and jammed it into Jim's neck. "Ow! Jesus, Bones!"
McCoy took the hypo with him as he stormed out of Sickbay leaving a grimacing Kirk behind. But he managed to get out a parting, "That's for interrupting my date!" just before the Sickbay doors closed. He didn't even care to wait for his friend's reaction. He'd be back in the morning, most likely to find Kirk laying there moaning due to the vomit-inducer he just stabbed him with. He needed to give the kid a reason not to interrupt him mid-date - especially as he was about to go into an attractive woman's living space!
Three days later, Leonard had made it into Uhura's quarters. Normally he would have objected to being shoved into a chair by anyone. However, his objection went right out of the nearest airlock when she straddled him in said chair and swept her hands underneath his blue uniform shirt...and the black undershirt...and made contact hands to his chest. Skin to skin.
There was much more skin that Leonard's skin definitely wanted to touch on the feisty and extremely sexy Communications officer. She swooped down and crashed their lips together. This could not get any-
"Son of a bitch," she growled as his communicator chirped at him.
With a matching growl and angry string of words that would never make sense in any language or dialect, McCoy answered Chapel's very annoying and persistent tone. In another ten minutes, he was stalking to Sickbay again, completely disregarding the fact that his uniform was definitely not straight anymore, and that his hair was just a little wilder than usual.
This time, Jim Kirk was shirtless on the bio-bed. McCoy would have much rather have seen Uhura shirtless on any bed at this moment, but he was forced to look at Kirk. He huffed in aggravation and made it to his commanding officer in only three steps.
"So help me, Jim," he began, then he took a quick breath in before starting again. "You dying?"
Jim's eyes widened in alarm. "I hope not!"
"When I'm done with you, you're gonna wish you were." Yes, he was not happy. Not when he was as close as he was pre-interruption to finally getting more action than he'd had in years!
Jim actually had the gall to groan. "Bones, it's not like I can help it!"
McCoy turned away with a scoff and a snort. He tried to find another item that he could torture him with this time. "Help what?"
"This...whatever this is!"
The doctor turned around to face Jim, once again bearing a hypo. "Same problem?"
"Yeah, I just can't figure out what-" He saw the hypo and inched closer to the head of the bed as McCoy approached. "What's in that one? You screwed up my entire night last time! All I needed was something to stop the itching."
"Yeah, you screwed up my night last time, and guess what, Jim-boy?" He grabbed Jim's arm and yanked the blonde towards him so that he could effectively jam the hypo into his jugular. After Jim stopped whining, McCoy yanked him closer still so that he could talk in his ear. "You did it tonight, too."
He let Jim go, but this time felt only a tiny bit of regret as he saw the misery on Jim's face. "Bones, I-I think I know what the problem is."
McCoy huffed again as he lowered himself in one of his examination chairs. "Okay, then, Doctor Kirk, what's your diagnosis?" He crossed his arms and went to lean against the small counter by the supply cabinet.
"I think I'm allergic to semen."
McCoy completely missed the counter, and instead had to grab onto the supply cabinet handle. He knew he looked ridiculous, but once again, he did not care. "What?"
"I think I'm allergic to se-"
"Damnit, I heard you! Are you telling me you're allergic to your own or someone else's?" He didn't even let Jim get past opening his mouth. "You know what? Don't answer that! I refuse to talk about this - especially with you." He flung open the cabinet and tossed a loaded hypo at him. "Anti-inflammatory. Shoot yourself with that. You should be fine."
"Bones, it's not just my chest...it's...um...you know."
He stared at Kirk for a long moment. "No, I don't know, though I can come up with some good guesses here." Then, he smiled more to himself than at Kirk. "But I want you to say it."
"Yes, I'm embarrassed!"
"I can't help you as your doctor until you say it."
Kirk stubbornly said nothing.
"Listen, Jim, I'm not about to feed into your ego and stare at your shirtless body all night because, to be honest, you're not my type."
"You want it to feel better?"
McCoy then decided to get his teasing mother voice out. "So tell me where it hurts, Jimmy."
Kirk launched himself off the bio-bed and got right in his friend's face. "My ass hurts, alright? Feels like I'm burning! Now please give me something to make this not hurt or itch or feel like there's-"
"Fire down below?"
Kirk glared at him. "That's not funny, Bones."
McCoy prepared another hypo as he talked. "You know, Jim-boy, I don't want to know who you're sleeping with. I don't care. I don't wanna know. But if you're allergic to this guy's semen, then you have more things to worry about than who's paying for dinner on shore leave, you follow me?"
"Aw, hell, Jim." He stabbed him with another hypo. Then, he turned around back to his supply cabinet. When he turned to Jim again, he offered him a box that had at least an inch of dust on it. "No one uses them anymore with all the contraceptive hypos out there and all that, but it might not hurt to go back to the older methods here, you know?"
"Condoms? Are you serious?"
The doctor did not even blink. "Would you rather I know exactly when you have sex because your skin has a reaction to your...whatever-he-is-to-you's semen?" At Jim's flinch, he knew he won for now. "Didn't think so. Now you make sure he's got one of these on at all times when you have sex and you should be fine."
"Bones, this won't work."
Bones scowled at him. "You know, you could try fucking him instead. I can't believe I'm actually talking to you about this. Then you won't have to deal with the reaction with sex if you-" There was no way he was going to say it.
"If I'm the one getting fucked?"
"This was the first time that he-"
That was it! The conversation was getting too awkward. Without another spare glance, McCoy turned to leave Sickbay. He had a bottle of Whiskey with his name on it. "Let me know how it goes only if something goes wrong!"
He should have expected it by now. He really should have. He finally got to undressing Nyota Uhura - and sweet baby Jesus was a naked Uhura better than anything he'd ever seen! He knew it was too good to be true.
There she was spread out on his bed, ready for him to completely devour in any way he so chose...
...when he was once again summoned to Sickbay!
He couldn't take it anymore! No one could possibly have this happen to them! No one could possibly have a sixth sense on when it was the cruelest time to cock-block someone! He was tempted to check how many other CMOs on starships of the Fleet were constantly interrupted right before they were about to...get busy...for something stupid and far less exciting than hot, wild, amazing sex!
Jim better be dying this time.
"Alright, Jim, I swear on my grandmother's secret grits recipe that if you aren't-"
He stopped short when he saw two people on the bio-bed this time.
The Vulcan was holding the box of condoms that Jim had gotten from him a few days ago, staring at it like a specimen under a microscope.
Then, McCoy almost vomited. If Jim and Spock were both here, then that meant that Jim and Spock were-
"Fucking hell, Bones, this is not how I wanted to tell you."
McCoy opened and closed his mouth several times, probably looking like a fish out of water. He wasn't sure if he was grateful or not when Spock began speaking.
"It seems, Doctor McCoy, that at some point in my life I have developed an allergic reaction to the material of which these condoms consist."
McCoy just stared. Jim and Spock were in-
"-love of hypos, Bones, you okay?"
McCoy lowered himself into a chair, slowly. Well, this was awkward...so awkward that he definitely needed to be sitting for it. "So you two are-" He made a gesture to non-verbally finish his question.
McCoy grimaced. "And you're allergic to Vulcan semen, and you're allergic to condoms?"
The doctor shook his head in frustration. He had a naked woman - or at least had a naked woman - in his bed before this nonsense! "Don't you think that's kind of a sign that you two shouldn't be screwing, or trying to screw, each other?"
Spock looked confused for a moment, and Jim took the opportunity to speak instead. "Bones, listen. All I want to do is be able to have sex with my lover, that's it!"
Spock looked at Jim like he was the reason there were stars in space.
"You can have sex with him, Jim!"
Still with his gaze adoringly fixed on Jim, Spock replied, "I believe that what Jim is attempting to articulate is that he would find it very agreeable if he and I were capable of engaging in coitus face-to-face without the danger of any sort of allergic reaction from either party."
Jim slowly turned his head to look at Spock, a stupidly happy grin on his face. "That's exactly right, babe." It was said as a whisper, but he might as well have shouted it on the Bridge. Jim started to...play with Spock's fingers? McCoy thought that was weird. "God, Spock, I-"
"I love you, as well, ashaya."
That was way weirder! McCoy thought he'd suddenly been taken to another universe. The hobgoblin actually said it - the evil "L" word! Who cared what that last word meant, probably some weird-ass love-language that McCoy had zero interest in knowing! Ever! He pinched the bridge of his nose. "And, what? Your plan was that I'm like the magic love guru who has all the answers? Because, Jim, let me remind you how lucky I've been in that area."
Jim actually whined. "I just want to kiss Spock while we make love and not almost die! That's it! I just want to actually see him lose control when he cu-"
Spock finally looked at the doctor as he prevented Jim from speaking further. "I had assumed that with your recent developments with Nyota that you were doing remarkably well in that area."
His eye twitched. "Are you telling me that you planned out every time I'd be...getting somewhere you would interrupt!?"
Spock looked completely calm as he answered, as though oblivious to the volcanic rage that was brewing in McCoy. "Would not an interruption in...almost coitus be reason enough to determine a solution for your friend in order to ensure two outcomes. The first, that your friend could successfully accomplish his goal. The second, that you would not be interrupted as you attempt to mate with Nyota."
McCoy just stared. "I wouldn't call it ‘mating,' Spock, just so you know. Animals mate."
"As do Vulcans."
"So, you callin' yourself an animal, Spock?"
Jim was suddenly in front of him, probably putting himself in the line of fire of a Spock-attack. "Bones. Listen. All you have to do is come up with an antidote or a vaccine or something that won't let me be allergic to Spock's cum and we all live happily ever after. No more interruptions for you and Uhura." Jim was smirking that smirk he smirked when he beat the Kobayashi Maru. McCoy realized that he was secretly proud of something... "You dog, you." McCoy guessed he was proud of him for managing to date someone as smoking hot as Nyota Uhura? "And I get to do whatever I want with Spock, and actually be able to take him facing him. He'd even be able to fuck me without thinking I'm going to die. He needs to meld when he has sex, you know - he has to. Besides," and there was the really cocky grin as he continued, "he loves it when I top."
McCoy actually looked over Jim's shoulder to see Spock blushing green. "That so?"
"Yeah. So, please, Bones." He grabbed his shoulders and dramatically shook his friend. "Help save all of us!"
McCoy glared for a moment before he disappeared and then returned with a cup. He shoved it in Spock's direction. "I'm gonna need a sample of your semen."
Jim pumped his fist in the air, laughing, before he swooped down and planted his lips against his best friend's jaw.
"You owe, me, kid!"
Jim bounded over to Spock. "We're finally going to be able to do this!" He surged forward and devoured the Vulcan's mouth.
McCoy's eyes bulged. Talk about awkward!
The Vulcan looked completely drugged out of his mind when Jim stopped kissing him. The human grabbed Spock's free hand and began tugging him towards the back of the Sickbay Ward. "Come on, baby, let's work on that sample for Bones."
Spock stopped Jim's progress. "Perhaps it is better for the time being if I were to accomplish this myself so that you do not have an adverse reaction again."
Jim's expression softened. He reached up and cupped Spock's cheek before gently kissing the Vulcan. "Okay, I'll go help Bones then."
"Oh, no you won't! You're gonna sit in the waiting room like a good little boy, you got that?"
It surprised McCoy that not only did Spock not interfere, but that Jim actually did what he told him! This had to be a first! He actually got the last word.
Their sweating bodies clung to each other in the aftermath of fierce and passionate lovemaking. There were no interruptions, no allergic disasters - nothing! Nothing but uncontrolled, unbridled sex! The room was bathed in the scent of passion, and the gasps of post-climax.
It was definitely - and finally - a glorious night that his glorious lover deserved. Pressed skin to skin, he stroked the dark hair of the beautiful creature beneath him, and face to face, just before sleep overcame them both, pressed their lips together.