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The Enterprise had returned to Earth for the Starfleet Dragon Boat competition.  Sulu had designed the most aerodynamic boat imaginable. Scotty and his team of engineers and assembled it. The crew had been practicing on the holo-deck for months. The race was to take place on the Hudson.

Five days before the event, Spock entered Kirk's quarters. He looked nervous. I have just received a call from my mother's family they are aware of the Enterprise's location and...."

"Spit it out man"

"Sir, I'm going to need Saturday off to attend my nephew's Bar Mitzvah. If I don't go it will cause a diplomatic incident."

How could Kirk refuse without being a Shmuk, even if it meant losing the cox of their craft?   It was too late to find another; Coach Kirk would have to take Spock's place.

"I'll tell you what, as a special present to the young man; your family can use the Enterprise's hangar deck for the reception."

"Come on get a move on!"  yelled Kirk to his crew, who were in second place.  "Warp factor 8, Arby's closes in 5 minutes"

Famous last words, the Dragon boat Enterprise was rammed by the crew of an aptly named USS Somali.

 "We've been hit by Somali pirates," yelped Kirk as the Dragon boat careered out of control into an irate Anser anser which leapt on board hissing and pecking viciously.

"The Enterprise has just hit a goose, we are going to have to land in the Hudson," he squawked as they all abandoned ship.


Uhura had been working all day to prepare the ship for the Bar Mitzvah celebration.  Mr Scott's team had been tasked with putting up the banners.

"Where are the tacks?" he yelled. "We have to get those banners up, Congratulations, Mazeltov, Live long and Prosper........ Just keep hangin' and bangin'."

The early part of the evening was taken up with speeches, and then came the entertainment. The Enterprise crew had organised a little skit as their contribution.

"I am your senior stewardess,"  Uhura informed the assembled guests. "Welcome to the Starship Enterprise. Today's inflight movie is Big Momma's House 2.  

The image of Dr M'Benga in drag dressing Uhura .down for disgracing the family brought the house down. "Do you really mean you would have said, "My baby daddy is a Vulcan on the next ‘Maury'?" "

"I so wanted that to be my line," grumbled Chapel to Dr McCoy

The buffet was magnificent the catering team had done the Enterprise proud. The centrepiece was a triple layer, triple product chocolate fountain.

Unfortunately the Grayson family were unaware of the influence of this confection on Vulcans. Spock's nephew urged him to try it.  It was addictive

The first Kirk knew of the problem was Spock's remark to Yeoman rand as he stroked her hair. "I find your choice of hairpiece most illogical."

Completely disinhibited, he turned to observe Kirk in his dress uniform. Undressing him with his eyes, Spock wolf- whistled, "Set phasers to fab-u-lous,"  

"Sorry to break up the party Spock," commented Kirk. "I need you on the bridge.

"We are experiencing a breach in the space time continuum or a worm hole or some crazy crap like that," he informed the guests as he dragged his inebriated colleague away.


Chapter End Notes:

Sorry Veggie girl Couldn't make this serious if I tried and it was impossible to get the statements in order.


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