- Text Size +

"Well, yes, 'Kock' is pretty obviously not appropriate," Jim says, staring at Spock from the other side of the chess board. His eyes are fixed upon the game, one corner of his mouth upturned, fingers hovering above a fairly doomed pawn. "But what about 'Spirk'? It's not the prettiest sound, I'll grant you-"

"Spirhk is a Vulcan word meaning 'to ejaculate'," Spock cuts him off, one eyebrow swooping upwards as he examines the top-tier of their three dimensional set. Jim is planning something. Of course, Jim generally does plan things - deny it though he might - but he seems rather more intent upon enacting some particular strategy for this game. The only question is what his aim is.

Jim pauses, his mouth opening for a moment, then closing again with a rather pointed 'click' of his jaw.

"You're joking."

Spock gives him a look.

Jim leans back in his seat, running one hand down the side of his face. A laugh is threatening to overtake him. "Kock, Spirk... what about Spork? As far as I know, that's just an eating utensil."

"Indeed. It is also the name of an infamous Andorian pornography star, who, if you will recall, was arrested last year for possession of a controlled substance. He attempted to evade local law enforcement by running unclothed into the streets of S'Sorez." The news vids had had a field day. He knows Jim is aware of this story, as he and Dr. McCoy had used it as the fuel for one of their weekly discussions regarding the relative progress and degeneration of society. Spock does not believe they actually schedule such discussions. They simply seem prone to them.

Jim snaps his fingers. "I remember that!" he declares, before shaking his head. "Talk about all the luck. Well, I've got more than one name. Spim? Jock? Uh, perhaps not Jock. Jick? Spom?" he suggests in quick suggestion.

Spock raises an eyebrow.

"What, all of them?"


"They can't all be something filthy. What are the odds?"

This is likely one of those instances where Jim does not want him to give him actual statistics. Nevertheless, Spock cannot in good conscience allow a question like that to remain unanswered. "The odds of any given word being profane in one of the many languages within the Federation's linguistic databases stand at approximately 35.2 percent," he replies, watching Jim's hand move from the pawn to the side of the table, tapping it lightly in thought.

"35.2?" he asks. "That's not that low."

"There are many languages, Jim, and I have yet to encounter one which does not make particular exception for specific words of an offensive nature."

"Everyone in the universe swears, Mr. Spock?"

"After a fashion."

As anticipated, this statement of fact makes Jim smile, and he finally makes his move - the bishop, not the pawn. Spock stares at the board, marveling at the circuitous nature of his captain's mind. The move does not ensure him victory, but it does ensure that Spock will have to employ an altered strategy now if he wishes to mate him.

Jim folds his hands underneath his chin, staring at Spock from above his interlocked fingers. A small smile lingers at the edges of his mouth. "I know I don't go by 'James' unless my grandmother is around, but what about 'Spames'?" he offers.

Lieutenant Uhura chooses this moment to pass their table in the rec room. Her eyes widen, and she lifts one hand up to her mouth, shooting Jim and incredulous look. "Captain," she says, her tone scolding, and before she can garner a response, she shakes her head and continues on her way. Jim blinks. He watches her make her exit, then turns to give Spock a questioning look.

"A Deltan slang term for the oral stimulation of sexual organs."

This time, Jim's laughter is loud enough to fill up the whole rec room. Spock watches him for a moment, examining the way he leans back against his chair, one hand curled around his stomach, the other wiping excess moisture from the corner of his eye. Chest shaking, eyes reflecting fragments from the overhead lights. "Spames? Really?" he mutters around his laughter. "Well I suppose that settles it, Spock. The media's just going to have to live with disappointment. No portmanteau couple name for us."

Spock shifts in his own seat, putting his queen to good use in capturing Jim's irritating bishop. "I confess, it is not a practice I have ever held much appreciation for. Names are employed as a point of reference for identifying individuals. Creating a new name to signify a change in relationship seems... superfluous."

"Yes, I don't suppose it would come across as terribly logical to you," Jim agrees, before another laugh seems to steal willfully past his defenses. "Spames..."



Spock gives him a pointed look. "I believe we are here to play chess, and not, as you would say, 'talk dirty' to one another."

There is no hope of stopping Jim's laughter after that.

You must login (register) to review.