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Story Notes:

I have never read the novelizations of any of the films. Any similarities are purely coincidental. What follows is the slash version of this story, as imagined in my own head, with careful attention paid to canon...

I wasn't sure what kind of warnings to put on this story. It's TSFS people: you know what goes down in it.


Prelude in Minor: What Came Before


Spock breathed out, painfully. “Don’t grieve, Admiral…”


Admiral…Jim’s heart broke at the word. He’s always been so careful to protect our secret!


“It is logical.”


// Olozhikaik? Tra’rim olozhikaik pa’nash, Spock! [Logical? There is nothing logical about this, Spock!] // The words poured like an uncontrollable flood from Jim’s mind to Spock’s. // Uf nash-kupi-tor tu? [How could you do this?] //


Spock sank against the side of the plexiglass. More than anything else in the entire universe, he wanted to protect his bondmate from what was about to happen, but he was powerless to stop it. Oh, that his flesh would melt and pass through the wall that stood between them, to hold Jim in his arms one last time! “The needs of the many…outweigh…”


Jim choked back a sob. “…the needs of the few…”


“…or the one.” // I am so sorry, Jim. I wasn’t strong enough. //


Why wasn’t I strong enough? Spock begged Oekon [God], the Other, the One Who Knows, for an answer.


Silence was Spock’s only answer. Of course there is no answer. Spock had been a fool to think that he was actually important enough in the cosmic scheme of things to get an answer. Oekon se glan-fam…[God is blind…]




Spock struggled to lift his hand, pressing his fingers against the barrier in the form of a Vulcan hand salute. “I have been, and always shall be your friend…” It really was as close as Spock ever came to saying I love you out loud.


Please, Spock, please don’t say good-bye! Jim begged silently, lifting his hand numbly up to meet his bondmate’s. For some reason his fingers weren’t working right. He couldn’t get them to form the shape. // Tre nik’el-lan nash-veh – ha-tor tu zek nash-veh! [I am your Admiral – I order you to continue living!] //


“Live long…and prosper…” Spock willed it to be so, for he would not be around to guarantee that it were so.


// Dif-tor heh fam nash-veh -- il smusma rik’tu, t’nash-ve ashalik t’hy’la… [I will neither live long – nor prosper, without you, my darling beloved…] // Jim watched, horrified, as the final moments of life slipped from his bondmate’s body, until Spock breathed no more.


// T’HY’LA! // The word screamed from Jim’s mind, but there was no answer.


“No…” There were no tears. There was only stillness. There were no tears.




“We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead.”


Saavik’s body shook slightly with the effort to control the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. “Open yourself to your emotions, Saavik-kam, Spock had told her once. Don’t try to be a perfect Vulcan, pretending to live with everything repressed. There is no such thing as an unemotional Vulcan, and to try to be one would be a waste of time and effort.”


McCoy was standing a good two feet away from Jim’s side. He couldn’t stomach being any closer to Jim’s physical location at the moment. Jim still hadn’t given him an answer about undergoing kolinahr, though it had been nearly 24 hours since their confrontation.


Jim’s face was stony as he watched the photon tube containing his bondmate lower into the starboard torpedo bay.


Oh gods, he’s going to go through with it, McCoy thought to himself as he watched Jim’s body language through his peripheral vision, all of the color draining out of his face.


Jim glanced quickly at Carol and David. They were the only family left to him, and they hardly fit that definition by any stretch of the imagination. Jim fixed his gaze straight ahead of him, staring at a point in the wall. It was the only way he was going to get through this. “And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow this death takes place in the shadow of new life…the sunrise of a new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect.”


No, we didn’t get universal armageddon as a result of Genesis, did we, Spock? The only thing that we got was our eternal separation from one another.


The volume of Kirk’s voice dropped one notch. He was slowly losing his resolve. “He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one…and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings.”


// Spock…// Jim sobbed out the name of his bondmate through his mindlink, but there was, of course, no answer. There was only silence.


“Of my friend I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered on my travels…his was the most—” The words coming from his mouth stumbled to a brief halt, the muscles of his face contorting tightly. There was a burning sensation coming from behind his eyes. There were no tears; there had been no tears for days. But suddenly Jim knew that the tears would come of their own accord, later.


It was like somebody had released the floodgates on a dam. For days Jim had felt nothing. Now he felt everything all at once. His chin trembled ever so slightly. “—human.”


// Forgive me, Spock, for ever thinking of doing something that would mean the end of us! Forgive me, t’hy’la, for forgetting our humanity until now! You live only in me now, and I will love you, honor and cherish you, and –remember– you until the end of my days. //



He had been dead once, but Spock had changed that. His sa-telsu had made all of the difference. Jim would never forget it.


// Thank you, t’hy’la, for bringing me back to life. //




Chapter End Notes:

A/N1: The Search for Spock opens with black and white images of what came before. I wanted to honor that choice, and to open "Lamentations and Consolations" the same way, with the text from "Reflections" that corresponded to the images that viewers see while watching the film.

A/N2: I always try to define Vulcan terms the first time I use them in a story. From the Vulcan Language Dictionary:

kolinahr: total logic discipline; rigorous training program at Gol to purge oneself of all emotion, with psychic surgery if necessary

sa-telsu: husband, male spouse

A/N3: Notes on punctuation style used throughout this story:

Italic text corresponds to a person's inner thoughts, and sometimes to events which occurred in the past which are cogent to the chapter at hand.

// italicized text here // corresponds to conversation that would take place between Jim and Spock through their mindlink. Though now that Spock is dead, it is merely for Jim, who is still trying to talk to his bondmate, and finding that silence is his only response.

{ italicized text here } corresponds to Spock's thoughts within McCoy. McCoy is not aware of them on a conscious level, though it seems that Spock is capable of influencing McCoy to some degree. Nor can Jim hear these thoughts.


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