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Author's Chapter Notes:

4 + 1 because I got lazy and sick of it sitting on my hard drive. Brought to you by CSI, Spaceballs, House, 40 Year-Old Virgin, and The Simpsons. Not necessarily in that order…




They were sitting in Sickbay—again. Kirk was perched impatiently on a biobed, shirt half-torn off, legs swinging back and forth as he waited for the good doctor’s permission to go back on duty. He steadfastly ignored Bones’ grumbling.


Spock stood next him, back straight and expression stoic as ever, though with a hint of irritation in the corners of his mouth. He not-glared at his captain who was currently poking at his newly regenerated skin.


“Please, enlighten me captain why you insist on ‘poking in’ to other species’ business?”


Kirk looked up at him and shrugged. “I was curious. Since I’m not a cat, that’s not dangerous.”


One of Spock’s eyebrows went up. “Ah, you are speaking of the colloquialism in which curiosity killed the cat? A fascinating metaphor, however, I do not think that it was originally designed to warn felines.”


Kirk slumped against his pillow and crossed his arms in a very childish maneuver. He wasn’t even going to dignify that with an answer. And it had nothing to do with his lack of a comeback. Nope, not at all.




“Captain, it is your move.” Jim looked up from where he had been staring at the chess board. Spock sat across from him, staring serenely at him as the captain concentrated on his next move. Spock had just set a trap, a pretty foolproof one, one he intended to thwart at all costs.


Of course this meant that if he lost to such a trap, he’d have a damn smug Vulcan on his hands for days. He moved one of his Knights into the line of fire; a desperate move, but it stopped the trap either way. Spock, the bastard, simply raised an eyebrow and moved his own Knight, putting Jim into Check. Again.


“I do believe that it is, as you humans say, “futile” to continue.” Damn Vulcan. Damn fucking smug Vulcan. Oh, he would get him next time. Damn Vulcan. Jim heaved a sigh and tipped his King onto its side. He glared up into the dark eyes of his First Officer.


"I guess I should stop trying to impress you, huh?"

And that damn Vulcan smirked. Jim would swear on his Galactic Porn Collection that that damn smug Vulcan smirked. "That would impress me."


Jim’s eyes twitched. Damn green-blooded hobgoblin.




Nyota Uhura did not blush. Never. Not even when catcalls and whistling followed her as she walked down the corridor to the bridge. She did not blush. No, she smirked.


Today was the first day after the new female uniforms had been implemented. To be fair, the new uniforms weren’t much different than the old ones. Except for one crucial element. These uniforms. Were strapless.


Nyota absolutely basked in the glory as Kirk turn in his captain’s chair to see what all the noise was about. His jaw fucking dropped. Down to the floor. Of course that happiness disappeared the second Kirk got that shit-eating grin back onto his face.  He even had a smirk of his own. Not fair.


"What, pray tell, is keeping that dress on, lieutenant?" Why of all the smarmy, flirtatious, misogynistic—


Nyota was saved from having to bitch slap her captain when the handsome Vulcan First Officer came to her rescue.

"I would suppose the collective will of everyone in this room, Captain." Ouch. Who knew Vulcan’s had a possessive streak a mile long?


Kirk visibly shrunk back into his captain’s chair and gave a timid smile. “Ah, r-right, Mr. Spock.”


Spock raised an eyebrow at his captain and returned to his post. And everyone knew that their commanding officers were going to have words later that night on proper decorum. Fuck. Now she really wished she could watch that.




Spock looks over at his captain, who is chained to the wall and bloody all over. He would estimate that Jim has several broken ribs from his labored breathing. He had passed out from the pain over ten minutes ago, but that hadn’t stopped their captors.


Across the room their captors are laughing at the broken captain. The biggest of them walks over to Spock, maniacal grin on his face and speak in those horrible gruff tones.


“Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb.”


One of Spock’s eyebrows snaps up. “I am curious as to how you came to that conclusion. That statement in itself is, as you say, ‘dumb’.” 


The stupid guard can’t respond. True to form he had no idea what the fuck Spock had just said. Before he—it—can hit Spock for his insolence, light envelops Spock. The transporter. He and Jim rematerialize on the transporter pad, Spock bending quickly to catch the captain before he falls to the floor.


Later, when they are being held hostage by Bones, Spock is forced to retell what happened after Jim had passed out. He does not relish telling them, but Jim’s wholehearted laughter at the last part makes it worthwhile.




One day Jim cornered Spock in his quarters as he was getting ready to leave for Alpha shift. He kept his mask in place, however. Spock was never surprised—and if he was he certainly didn’t show it.


“Spock, it has come to my attention that you haven’t gotten any action for months.” Spock didn’t need this particular human saying translated; being around Jim he knew exactly what it meant.


“Yes. Captain. Seven point one three months to be precise.” Jim’s eyes bugged at the figure.


“Seven months!? Seven!?” Spock gave him a look that said ‘yes you idiot, that’s what I said.’


“Seven point one-”


Jim cut him off, still freaking out about the length of time. “Spock who cares about the decimal. Seven months! You haven’t gotten any sexual action in seven months!”


A very subtle eye roll presented itself on Spock, but Jim was too riled up to call him out on it. “Yes Jim. Seven months.” He spoke as if he were talking to a child.


Jim stared at him for a few moments, mouth opening and closing like he was trying to form words. Eventually he tossed his hands in the air and yelled, “That’s it! From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you laid.”


Jim said it so matter-of-fact it was difficult to tell whether he was joking or not. All Spock could do was raise an eyebrow at him and nod his head like he knew what his captain was talking about.


“I see.” Even though he really, really didn’t. Sometime it was just better to agree with Jim.


Smiling, Jim clapped him on the shoulder. “Great!”


And then proceeded to drop to his knees and tug down Spock’s pants. Spock was surprised, but he didn’t complain. Fuck no, he did not.


Das Ende

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