Disclaimer: Star Trek and Characters belong to Gene Roddenberry.
AN: Awhile back Anoncomment7 wrote this request for fic:
I was wondering if someone would like to write a fic for me.
At the end of Amok Time, when Spock sees Jim in Sickbay and gets all happy and stuff, McCoy says something I'd like to see written. He says something to the effect that if he and Chapel hadn't been in Sickbay, then Spock would've been more emotional or whatever. Well, I think he's right. Spock only clamped down on his emotional reaction when he saw McCoy and Chapel looking at him. So, I'd like to see the scene, if Spock and Kirk were alone. It doesn't have to be like instant slash or anything, actually I'd prefer it not to be. Maybe pre-slash, where each is thinking about their feelings at that moment after everything they've been through. Or, you know, I'm in love with you but I'm hiding it - that kind of thing is always great.
AN2: The idea for T'Pring and Stonn's punishment is all mine.
Spock's mind cried out the name in anguish as he watched Doctor McCoy and the body of Captain James T. Kirk vanish in a shimmer of light. Jim had been his best friend and now he was dead.
I killed him! I killed him!
Spock took a deep breath; he was standing before T'Pau of Vulcan and he needed to control himself. He needed to be fully Vulcan in front of her. He walked over to her and raised his hand in the traditional salute. "Live long and prosper, T'Pau."
"Live long and prosper, Spock" Her imperious voice replied.
"I shall do neither. I killed my captain and my...friend." His voice wavered and he expected condemnation in her eyes but Spock actually saw brief sympathy that an outsider would have missed.
He turned to the woman in white. T'Pring, His mind spat out her name in contempt. The pon farr had caused burning need and overwhelmed his reason. She had used it to pit him against Jim. He listened to her explain why she had claimed the challenge.
"Stonn, she is yours. However, after a time, you may find having is not as pleasing a thing as wanting." He hoped nothing but misfortune would befall them. If he knew Sarek, his father, it would.
He took a deep breath. "Spock to Enterprise. One to beam up."
Jim slowly opened his eyes to find McCoy staring down at him "Captain James T. Kirk."
McCoy smiled, "At least you remember your own name."
"I remember feeling like I was dying."
"I slipped you a neural paralyzer to simulate death; you won't be able to move your body for another hour or two and you may look dead to anyone who sees you."
"Still on the planet, Jim."
Probably with his bitch. Kirk decided to keep his thoughts to himself. He had chosen to save Spock by fighting him as challenger but right now a lot of emotions were going through him.
Anger at Spock for not telling him about T'Pring or Pon Farr to begin with; anger at Spock for wanting to kill him; anger at T'Pring for choosing him as challenger.
When Spock came back on board, would their friendship ever be the same? Sadness washed over him at the thought replacing his earlier anger, Vulcans were a private people and Spock had always been as well, but he had told Jim he was in Pon Farr, it had obviously been humiliating but Spock had revealed it. When he came back onboard would their friendship be the same or beyond repair?
Jim hated it when he felt uncertain.
Spock left the transporter room, struggling to hold his normal mask in place. He felt numb and moved like a zombie. The gray-walled corridors reflected his despair and he wanted to die! He deserved that after what he had done to Jim. The rest of his life would be faced with bleak loneliness. After turning command over to Mr. Scott, Spock would have them take him to the nearest Starbase. After the trial, he would plead for death; the only sentence he felt would be fitting to his crime.
Jim had been his best friend; the first person to see beyond his Vulcan features and care about the person on the inside. He was the first person besides his mother that made him feel worthwhile. Jim had become his best friend, allowing Spock to bear his soul without judging him and not force him to act more human.
Spock entered Sickbay in search of McCoy when he caught Jim's scent and followed it to another room, Jim laid there, hands over his chest looking peaceful. Sorrow filled his soul, spilling out into impassioned words. "Jim....oh Jim I am so sorry...it was the fever. I was not aware of what I was doing...."
Spock didn't care about Vulcan control at that moment as tears filled his eyes and slid silently down his cheeks. Bending forward, he touched his forehead to Jim’s. He was still so warm!
Jim’s eyes were closed when he heard footsteps coming in. He was prepared to tell whoever it was to go away when the voice began speaking. It was Spock! Holding very still, Jim couldn't believe how emotional Spock was being. For that matter what was he doing here? Why wasn't he still on Vulcan? Then he felt the tears.
My god he's crying for *me!*
The drug was finally wearing off and he really needed to breathe. Jim took a deep breath, causing Spock to jump away. The look of shock on his face really was priceless.
"Jim?" Spock whispered, his face pale.
Jim sat up slowly, a grin spreading over his face. "The one and only."
"Jim!" He gasped as Spock took him into his arms, "I am so sorry...so sorry." The Vulcan repeated those words over and over again like a mantra.
Jim’s heart ached for his friend and he embraced him, "Shh it’s alright. Everything is alright now."
"But how?" Spock whispered. Kirk then explained the drug McCoy had injected him with. "I am so glad you are alright Jim."
"Why are you here and not on Vulcan?" Jim asked, his voice tight with unresolved anger.
Spock flinched but he owed this man so much. Jim deserved the truth and Spock sat on the bedside and told him everything, "Rest assured, my father and T'Pau will think of a punishment for them. They will not be allowed to emerge from this unfazed."
He had always loved Jim's eyes, bright hazel eyes that changed color; stormy gray when angry, the color of gold when amused. Right now they were filled with compassion that he did not feel he deserved. "Please forgive me Jim; I will go to the nearest Starbase to stand trial."
"Spock it was a biological thing that happened to you, something that you couldn’t help. Your punishment will be to continue serving by my side." Jim embraced him and Spock allowed himself the indulgence and in that moment he realized something. He hadn't wanted to marry T’Pring; the bond with her hadn't been strong because she had belonged to Stonn.
He loved James Kirk! The realization stole his breath away.
The footsteps of Doctor McCoy caused them to pull apart and they tried to return to the business of running the Enterprise. Thankfully, T'Pau had used her influence on Admiral Komack and they would face no reprisals for their detour to Vulcan.
Later that night as he lay in his quarters, James Kirk realized something else. He had hated T'Pring when Spock had said she was his wife and a chill went through him. He had always been with women but in the last few years they hadn't truly satisfied him. That had started to happen shortly after he met Spock.
‘My God I think I'm in love with Spock.’ The revelation gave Kirk pause. Sleep claimed him much later, his mind still running through the idea and all that it meant to him, to them.
Two Months later
Spock watched as the battered U.S.S. Constellation moved toward the planet eater on a collision course, Jim was onboard piloting it and it was taking every ounce of Spock's control to stay calm. "Jim you must beam aboard or you'll be killed."
"I know what I'm doing Spock."
Jim sighed. ‘Lord, let me make it out of here and I'll tell Spock how I feel.’ Their friendship had changed since Spock's pon farr and it was obvious neither knew what they first move should be. The planet eater loomed closer but thankfully at the very last moment Mr. Scott got him aboard. Later Spock came to see him.
"Jim, please do not ever take such foolish chances like that again. It is frightening how close you came to dying today."
"It’s not like you to be so emotional Spock."
Spock stared at the golden haired man who made life so worth living, "You make me this way, and I want you in my life always Jim."
"Spock" He flinched as his screen beeped. "Yes, what is it?!"
Lieutenant Uhura's voice came, "Captain, There’s a message from Mr. Spock's mother that is addressed to you both."
Kirk was intrigued. Amanda had always been very kind to him. "Put it through, Lieutenant,” he said, shifting so that Spock could see her clearly as well. The image of Amanda filled the viewing screen. "Spock, Captain Kirk. I am so happy to see you both looking well."
Kirk smiled. "My coming back from the dead has become legendary."
"And I am pleased to see it, Captain. So,” she said, taking a breath, “T'Pau wants you to come to Vulcan."
"Why didn't she call us herself," Jim asked, confused.
"She and Sarek thought it would be better if I explained. The reason,” Amanda continued, “T'Pring planned to challenge Spock was because she became pregnant with Stonn's child. She couldn't hide it any longer. Her clan disowned her the moment the news came to them that she had challenged Spock. Stonn's clan doesn't like the match either."
"Having a child outside of marriage is a sin." Spock said.
"Why do we need to come to Vulcan? Is she being put to death?" Kirk asked, not feeling sorry about the prospect at all.
"No James. She committed a sin against the bond of friendship you and Spock share. T'Pau regrets allowing you to participate and knows the Vulcan people disapprove of her actions, even if they don't say it aloud."
Kirk exhaled, "we will come to Vulcan as soon as possible."
Amanda smiled, "I look forward to seeing you both."
After Kirk turned the screen off, he and Spock simply looked at each other.
Five days later he and Spock stood next to T'Pau, Sarek and Amanda on her right as T'Pring and Stonn entered the arena. They moved slowly to T'Pau, looking only at her.
"T'Pring you are guilty of breaking your betrothal to Spock by having an affair with Stonn and conceiving an illegitimate child, then when Spock was at his most vulnerable pitting him against Captain Kirk. What say you?" T'Pau's voice held anger as only a Vulcan could.
T'Pring stood ramrod straight. "I love Stonn and I will not apologize for it. I am sorry for making Captain Kirk fight as my champion; I did it to keep Stonn alive even though he was willing to fight. I knew Kirk would not want to kill Spock. Even though I do not feel anything toward Spock, I did not want him to die, even though Spock has had relations with other women.”
T’Pau turned to Spock. “Does thee have a defense?”
Spock nodded; “During those times I was not myself. I was affected by outside forces such as alien control and space spores; I lost control and for that I am ashamed. I offer that you can meld with me and see for yourself.”
T’Pau pressed her fingers on Spock’s face and went through the memories. Soon they both came out of the meld. “Spock has never sexually broken the bond, the punishment for T’Pring and Stonn will remain.”
T'Pau faced both T'Pring and Stonn, "You have chosen your fate, you may marry each other but I will not recognize it. T'Pring's clan will not recognize it either. Sarek's clan is second to mine for influence in Vulcan society and as punishment for their humiliation, all children you have will be seen as illegitimate."
T’Pring's face took on a look of horror, "Please..."
"Silence!" The sound of T'Pau's voice was almost like a physical slap to everyone. "I have made my decision.”
T'Pau gestured to her attendants who escorted the two disgraced Vulcans out. Sarek looked as please as a Vulcan allowed themselves to look. "Thank you T'Pau."
Kirk who had been quiet spoke up, "T'Pau, may I speak?"
"Thee may speak."
"Why punish an unborn child for something the parents have done?"
T'Pau stared at him implacable, "So others who are bonded will be warned not to repeat those mistakes. T'Pring and Stonn will forever be examples. I do not expect you to approve James Kirk; I know things are different on Earth." She looked at Lady Amanda.
Spock came next to him, "Come, Jim. Let us leave here."
James Kirk nodded; this was one place in Vulcan society that he did not like.
Later that night he sat with Spock in his mother's garden, "Jim, I hope you do not feel disgust at me for what happened..."
"Spock you're my friend, my best friend and I've never had one before you. Nothing about you would disgust me. Besides, other’s actions aren’t your fault."
"It is the same for me Jim."
Spock looked at the stars, “I do feel bad for T’Pring’s child, I know what its like to be judged and alone.”
Jim touched Spock’s shoulder, “Hopefully the child will read about you and be able to triumph like you.”
Spock’s lips quirked in a Vulcan smile, “I am lucky to have found you, you are my friend and have been like a brother.”
Jim took a deep breath. “Actually Spock, I've been feeling more than that for a long time. I…I believe I've fallen in love with you. I...won't be angry if you don't feel the same."
Spock gave his half smile, the one only Jim ever saw. "I return your feelings, Jim."
Kirk gave a big grin and reached for Spock's hand. Spock took it and laid his head on Kirk's shoulder. Jim could feel Spock's heart racing against his side.
Side by side where hopefully they would be for a long time to come.