The Five People Who Lied To Spock And The One Who Didn't
"Marrying your mother was...logical."
But it was not done for love. Spock resisted the urge to lick his swollen lip, averting his eyes from his father. It made perfect sense, not marrying for love. Love was overly emotional, overly complicated. Love had driven him to attack another student.
So Spock made a silent vow to never actively seek love. That would destroy him as surely as it had destroyed his ability to reason. Without emotion, there could be no insult. And Spock knew better than most that his unique heritage and exceptional mind meant there would be many who would seek to insult him
Even as a child, Spock was smart enough to see the folly that was love.
"No one could ever love you."
The words did not have the sting she had meant them to. Spock controlled the emotional response to her simple statement. She meant so little to him that it did not matter what she thought. Spock knew there was no love between them.
But her words did have one lasting effect. Even after he left Vulcan to go to Starfleet, he found himself convinced that he did not deserve love. And that he did not want love. As a Vulcan, he had no need for love. His pursuits would be of a scientific nature only. Anything extracurricular would be to ease the tension of his body only.
"There is nothing that could change how much I love you."
That had been only 2.7 months ago. And now, Spock was holding an armful of items she had shoved at him as she kicked him out of her quarters. It was unceremonious and extremely undignified to be so forcibly ejected from their relationship simply because Spock could not lie to her. Nyota clearly stated that if he could not say the words yet, she was fine with that. Apparently that was not true.
Spock made his way back to his quarters, careful not to drop any of the items, clothes and sundries he had left in her room over the past 6.2 months they were seeing one another. She decided that tonight, he be given an option. Either tell her he loved her or get out.
Spock had chosen not to lie.
"You're purely incapable of love!"
Truth be told, the doctor was in his right to make such a claim. After that fiasco down on planet, with the captain laying in the biobed after seducing a native and learning their society was one that mated and killed the male, and Spock's cold declaration that Jim brought this upon himself, Bones had naturally jumped to his best friend's defense.
"Doctor, my regard or proclaimed lack of such for the captain has no bearing on the fact that on no less than seventy six point four percent of our away missions the captain finds himself or one of his crew injured. In addition, in eighty three point five percent of those cases where he is injured, the fault of the injury lay with the captain."
McCoy stared at Spock and shook his head. "Out! You pointy eared...green blooded...hobgoblin bastard!"
Spock turned and walked from sickbay, knowing that the doctor would see to the captain's wounds. Kirk and McCoy shared a friendship and love Spock would never fully understand.
"I see no logical reason to feel such an emotion as love."
Kirk looked up at Spock, his hand hovering over the queenside knight. Spock had known from the beginning where this conversation was heading. No sooner had he sat down for their thrice weekly chess game than Kirk made the observation that Spock was still single after two years.
Spock corrected that it had only been 1.79 years, but Kirk had yet to relent. He was certain there was someone Spock was secretly harboring feelings for. And he continued to needle him until Spock made his comment.
Seeing Jim's face fall slightly, Spock felt a moment of regret for his words. While they were the truth, he knew they weren't honest. Early on he had learned that love was illogical. He pushed those emotions so far into the recesses of his mind where they could no longer hurt him.
"Fine, you aren't secretly in love with anyone," Kirk responded, moving his chess piece. If Spock wasn't mistaken, he heard a tinge of hurt in his captain's voice. But that couldn't be remedied now.
"Spock, you better not die! Dammit, I love you too much to lose you now!"
Blood was flooding his mouth from the wound in his chest, causing him to temporarily lose the ability to speak. Otherwise Spock would assure the captain that his death was not imminent. It was merely a slight puncture of his chest cavity.
McCoy took Spock's shoulder and rolled him so he could spit the green blood out on the dirty floor of the cave they were taking shelter in. A hypo was pressed to his neck, and Spock felt the bandage being pressed to his ribs.
"Jim, hold this."
Kirk moved so he could hold the bandage to Spock's wound. McCoy stood and went back to the cave's entrance, undoubtedly so he could try to communicate with the Enterprise once more. After Ensigns Roberts and Carriss had been killed, they had run for cover. The captain took a phaser to the leg, and Spock had been shot just as they were making it to the cave.
Now Kirk was leaning over him with an expression in his eyes that Spock knew all too well. Even if he professed to not feeling love, to harboring no such emotion, he recognized it in the worried and pained eyes looking at him.
"You'll be fine, Spock. I know it. And you'll kill me later for being such a sap and telling you this, but I love you. Gods, Spock, I love you. And I know somewhere deep down you love me." He let out the smallest laugh. "Even if everyone says that you don't know how, I can see it. You hold more emotion in your smallest thought than anyone else in their grandest gesture. I know, Vulcan control and all that, but Spock, not even Vulcan control can mask human eyes."
He stopped as McCoy returned. The doctor helped Jim up first then together they lifted Spock. The Vulcan felt his atoms scramble and reform. Hands gripped him and moved him. Before he could register a change in location, Spock found himself in sickbay being frantically worked on.
Darkness engulfed him and he allowed himself to rest. A healing trance was not needed for such a minor wound. When Spock opened his eyes again, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his own quarters, the warmer temperature much more comfortable than the sterile cold of sickbay.
As his senses began to reregister with him, he realized someone was gripping his hand loosely. Spock shifted his gaze from the ceiling to see Kirk sitting in a chair, head resting against the bulkhead, eyes closed, hand grasping Spock's. The Vulcan could feel the ghost of emotions playing through the contact. Worry, pain, exhaustion, and just there, under it all, was undeniably love.
He had not been lying in the cave when he said he loved Spock. After a lifetime of people saying that he wasn't capable or deserving of love, the one person who once provoked him into displaying his emotions simply knew better and loved him. Spock felt something press at him in the back of his mind as he looked at their joined hands.
He didn't see the blue eyes upon him until a slightly raspy voice reached him.
"Hope you don't mind that I'm here. Bones said you needed someone to stay after I convinced him you'd be more comfortable in your own room."
"I...Thank you, captain."
Kirk's eyes went to where their hands were still joined. He pulled his hand free and let loose a nervous laugh. "Eh, sorry. I promise, you can strangle me later. Once you're feeling better."
Spock reached out and took Kirk's hand in his, earning a stifled gasp from the man as he pulled his hand back to where they had been resting. "I feel no compulsion to injure you. Indeed, I find myself in a position...It seems as if I should...There is a certain need to..."
"Geez, Spock, I've never heard a Vulcan tongue tied before."
"I have never felt the urge to confess my emotions before," Spock said quickly before he could censure himself again. "In regards to your confession earlier, I have a response. I believe I can honestly say I love you in return. And have for longer than I am willing to admit."
The look on Jim's face was a mixture of surprise, love, and joy. "That's...the best thing I've ever heard." His fingers tightened slightly around Spock's as he leaned a bit closer. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"
"I...mistakenly believed that love was an unimportant emotion. Illogical."
"Jim, I would request that this be taken slowly. I am unfamiliar with the thoughts and ideas love can bring to a person."
"Of course." Jim smiled at him, blue eyes dancing. "Get some rest. You're still healing. We can explore this more later."
Spock nodded, leaning back into his pillow. His misconceptions of love were quickly dissolving, and he allowed himself for the first time to bask in what he felt for Jim.