Sorry, but your story does not work for me. You need to have Kirk grow up and act like a real Man and a real Captain, not some self indulgent sex starved Cadet. Spock also needs to be more equalized....he is too Over Vulcan, he would at least show Kirk, via a min meld, how he feels, if he could not say the words.  And Kirk can not go about having sex with his crew, with ranking below his own, or he will not stay in Command for long.  The ending is a no go, because Spock would just know that Kirk was with that Susan, and came back after a sex romp...why would he stoop to taking Kirk into his bed?  Again, Kirk is very much a Loser here. Thinking you can do better with a rewrite?

This was quite enjoyable to read.