Date: 11/16/2019 1:39 AM Title: III. Lament for a Rising Star
This is a nice story, but it takes in so much of a huge time frame, one tends, as a Reader, to just get lost in it. I think there are sections....like the entire area based around the Korby/Android Episode....that you, as a Writer, had something good going....but then you seemed to loose the thread. It was like, in the finale part of that section, when Kirk finds the PADD about suicide....and then, he and Spock start to talk...Spock becomes aggressive, shuts Kirk down....and you end up with some lame moment of Kirk telling Spock.....oh you can come to me in the future. Why would Spock do that, when he never really worked through, with Kirk, the fact that the Captain programed his duplicate Android to say rotten, prejudical things to Spock? Then suddenly we pop over to years later and Savvik, who I actually do not care anything about and do not see how this brings a conclusion to your story, effectively , between Spock and Kirk. Anyway, there is lots of material here, you are a very good writer, but again....there is just so much "stuff" jammed into one tale....it feels unfocused. If you ever decide to do a rewrite, maybe separate the story into Childhood, Cadet Years, Pike Years, Enterprise Years....and as far as I am concerned, either just write a new tale about Savvik altogether, post as a sort of Drabble, but it does not fit this tale about Spock.
Date: 03/09/2016 6:00 AM Title: Breathing Forward
A well constructed vignette of the experiences of predjudice and how insidious it's damage unless challenged. I like the way you depict how it seeps into the marrow. Also the exploration of Terran privilege and how even the best education does not bring change in the casets inner attitude.
Date: 11/17/2015 1:46 PM Title: Breathing Forward
Chapters one and two were an excellent exploration of the effects if racism both covert and overt. It left me gasping and moved to tears. I think the last chapter was a little to short on how Spock had moved position though it did set up Saavik for the future.
What was particularly good was that you had ryn with the problem of attacks before a child has their internal self worth established as a point to fight from. You captured the vulnerability of an unformed ego to this level of attack. Your what if take on WALGMA was a brilliant stroke.