Date: 08/04/2015 3:01 AM Title: 1
This is a cute story! I think another story with Jim and Spock playing chess would be perfect. Do you plan to finish your other story--Strong Apart, Stronger Together?
thank you very much!
i I actually need some help with the other story.. i wrote all that a couple years ago, and i just dont know how to continue it, if anyone wants to help, my skype is mirihoneydew
Date: 07/20/2015 8:12 PM Title: 1
*pinned -> pinning
I have two small issues. I hope crit is okay? If not stop here.
I have a bit of confusion with the point of view. This is Kirk's fantasy but I feel like Kirk is imagining himself and Spock from a third angle view. Sort of. Since the fantasy line is short, it's carrying a lot of weight. Also might want to move "less than a second" or just cut it. You can also cut "their eyes met" since they've met in the next line by implication.
Spock's point of view at the end is likewise awkward. I don't think he knows his own expression, unless it's intentional. I'd find it more amusing if he smirks at Kirk, intentionally, like, hey you think you're hot stuff, eh. I don't believe you're going to really live up to that, puny human. And strides away to let Kirk stew in surprise at having his challenge topped.
I may be rambling here. Anyway, cute drabble.
Edited all i could :) i wrote it at 5am last night >_<