Date: 04/05/2020 4:53 AM Title: Chapter 35
It's wonderful that this story is back. I agree with Jim. To truly test the mettle of a Cadet on the Command Track, you've got to "take the gloves off" and allow them to fight for the lives of their crew. They may fail, save some of their crew or all of their crew but they must be allowed to use all of their wits and skills, even if the go down swinging.
We're both in agreement with Jim then. Spock has given a valid reason as to why Starfleet may have set the test up the way they have (and it's logical), but sill if I was serving on a starship, I'd rather Jim's outlook prevailed. Better to go down swinging than not to have tried at all.
Thank you for still following the story and reviewing (even though I leave huge gaps between updates). It's very much appreciated.
I can't make promises, but I hope as I'm stuck in the house (apart from still having to go to work - key worker) due to no shops/pubs/restaurants/parks etc being open, I'll be able to get more writing done. Don't hold me to this though ;)
Date: 10/22/2018 3:40 AM Title: Chapter 33
OMG! I love this story. At first I thought it was moving way too slow, but at this point, I appreciate the time I tv took to get here. I love the dynamics of the characters..all familiar but different. I dread and look forward to the fall out that is sure to happen when Jim takes the Maru!
Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m thrilled that you love the story. I love how you find the characters familiar yet different. That’s kind of what I wanted to achieve.
I think you make an excellent point regarding pacing. I suspect it is a little slow, and probably over the whole fic a good 40,000 words could have been gutted. However, as a complete newbie to fanfiction, or indeed, any fiction, I wasn’t aware of stuff like structure, pacing, plot points etc. I just started writing with no real clue as to what the hell I was doing. It hasn’t helped that I’m a slow writer (been writing this since 2012), resulting in my having more than one beta (and now none), which has meant that issues like pacing haven’t been caught. Definitely not the betas fault, I hasten to add.
Since, I started writing this, I’ve learnt a lot more in theory about ‘how to write’ (pacing, plot etc.), but alas it’s now way too late for this fic. I’m certainly not going to start again and re-write it, so it’ll have to stand as it is, a story written by a novice for enjoyment. If I ever get better, then at least I’ll be able to measure my progress against this one. But, if you and others are getting enjoyment out of reading it, then that's all that matters.
Ah, the Maru. Yes, Jim does have a self-destructive streak. We will find out soon. I only hope I can do the fall-out justice (especially with no beta to give it a once over).
Thanks again for taking the time to read and review. It's really helpful to receive feedback, and much appreciated.
Date: 10/19/2018 11:47 PM Title: Chapter 33
Thank you for the update. I missed this story. It looks as if Jim is finally ready to move forward. He’ll have good and bad days, but he knows that Spock is there for him.
Sorry, that you missed it and I’m very sorry for taking so long to update. I really didn’t mean for over two years to slip by before I posted, but turned out it was unavoidable for various reasons, mainly RL. Thank you for your patience in waiting so long.
Another reason for the lengthy absence was because my muse went MIA, and for such a long time words would not come. This chapter has been re-written and put on the shelf in frustration numerous times, with sometimes only a sentence at a time being written. Recently, however I’ve found myself thinking about it again and found myself reading ‘how to write fiction’ books (all that structure, plot points etc. too late for this one now) ;) Eventually, I found myself sitting down and writing 1,000 words of the chapter in one go. So, while my muse is back I’m going to make hay and get writing.
Next chapter will be posted next weekend, so keep an eye out for that.
Yes, Jim is ready to move on, even with the occasional bad day, but like you say Spock will be there for him. We are getting there; however never underestimate Jim’s capacity for self-destruction ;)
Thank you for leaving a comment. It is very much appreciated.
Date: 07/01/2016 9:10 PM Title: Chapter 32
I like the idea of Jim and Nyota being friendly competitors--academically and that she's ok with Jim and Spock's relationship. Glad you're back.
I too see them more as friendly competitors. I love the banter between them.
Thanks for commenting.
Date: 03/17/2016 6:28 PM Title: Chapter 30
Welcome back!! This is such a sweet old-fashioned date. The words "I love you" were probably on the tip of their tongues, but they are not ready.
It's good to be back :) So happy you liked the chapter. Yeah, the date is a bit old style, but I think they both had a great time.
Good insight. You're right, neither of them is ready to say the dreaded L word (or even make a serious commitment at this stage). Even though I think reboot Spock is more emotional than TOS Spock, he's still Vulcan at the end of the day, so he's certainly not going to over emote or gush about feelings. But, I don't think Kirk is one to openly talk about his feelings either. Not really. He's more emotional etc. but he's not one spill any feelings that might make him vulnerable. He'll suppress them as a defence mechansim. Plus too, he's just come from a bereavement. So, yeah, neither are ready yet.
Keep an eye open for the next chapter, which is coming soon.
Thanks for your words and for your continued interest in the story. Much appreciated :)
Date: 12/30/2015 3:47 AM Title: Chapter 29
I'm so thrilled you're back updating this story. Memories. We all have them, we sometimes love to relive them like they were yesterday. Jim can't relive memories of his dad, because he never met him. I can't imagine how he must feel. Finally, we get Winona talking about the past, about Jim's dad. Can you imagine how Jim felt at that moment? That little memory, he will treasure forever. I truly believe Jim and his mom have finally made peace.
Can't wait to read more about Jim and Spock's relationship in the following chapters. Welcome back and Happy New Year in 2016.
Hi Dahliaxat, :)
I'm so thrilled that you're back reading and reviewing. Was worried I might have lost everyone ;)
Sadly, I'm not sure when I'll be back with the next two chapters (one of which is already written, just the chapter before it to do). Hopefully, it'll be less than three months next time. But rest assured, the story's not abandoned, so updates will still occur, even if there are bigger gaps between chapters. Hope you'll continue to stick with me.
Yeah, one of the themes of the story is memories. I don't think anyone can have missed that, what with all the flashbacks and memories that Jim has shared with the readers :) so far. It's kinda what the title refers to. The two words of the title were taken from the last line of a poem, which I'll post at the end of the story. We've got a different kind of memory here, not one of Jim's, but one that'll be important to him (like you say, he'll treasure) because of who it relates to, and because of who shared it.
It was this last section of the chapter that I struggled with a little, and which delayed me updating. I'm not convinced I've kept either Jim or Winona in character. Would she share the memory? Shouldn't Jim say more in response? Should I have shown Jim's feelings to it in more detail? I was always second guessing it and changing my mind. Eventually, I just wrote the last section in a single evening as quickly as I could, as it just wasn't working taking my time and angsting over it. You say, you can't imagine how he must feel. But, that's maybe because of how I've written it. Or maybe it's good you can't imagine, because it's such an enormous thing for Jim. Oh well, I'm still learning this writing lark.
I think Jim and Winona have found peace in this story :)
Thanks again for reading and reviewing, and for sticking with the story. It's very much appreciated. All the best in 2016.
Date: 09/28/2015 4:55 AM Title: Chapter 28
We all know how it feels when sleep won't come. We stare at nothing in particular, we toss and turn, fluff up are pillow. Eventually, we do fall asleep, only to be woken up by nightmares. Yes, those bloody bad memories, they come out of nowhere. You have a tight hold on them, they're buried deep down, but they somehow, slowly, bubble up to the surface, trying to suffocate you.
Jim had to relive it once again.
But, like you mentioned, that moment of grief was cathartic. When the tears started to subside, laughter was replaced. After a storm, we often do get to see the sun.
We are all busy in life. Post when you can. I'll be here.
Sleepless nights sure are a pain, and poor Jim's had a lot of them recently.
I decided to keep this chapter in as I really felt he needed this moment. The crying on Winona's shoulder earlier in the story was good, but didn't seem to be very cathartic for him. He wasn't ready back then, but I think he is now. He's ready now to move his relationship with Spock onto the next level. The next few chapters (well after the next one) are definitely in K/S slash territory ;)
It's not so much the busy life (though that too), more that you readers have caught me up. You've read all the chapters I'd pre-written. Now you'll have to wait for me to write more. I'm working on the next chapter, and I have all future chapters roughly mapped out. I just have to write them ;) Updates will no longer be weekly, but I will try and update as quickly as I can.
Date: 09/28/2015 4:39 AM Title: Chapter 27
Glad to have you back. The date between them was wonderful. They got to talk about life and death. It's true that at the beginning Jim had a hard time dealing with Gary's death. Memories kept flooding him constantly. He kept remembering what he had lost. How do you function, when that happens? Now, it's much better. I do like what Spock said to Jim about his memories of Gary. To share those memories who remembered him.
This line I liked as well: “I just have to be conscious of not placing him on a pedestal. Sometimes what you remember and what actually was are two completely different things.”
That is so very true. Putting someone on a pedestal, making them perfect when they aren't.
I love your insightful paragraphs of what Jim is thinking and feeling. He sure run the gamut of emotion when Gary died.
Eimeo is amazing. Enough said.
Leave the website info about the Gardens. I have no problems with it.
Off to read the next chapter, and sorry for my late review.
Good to be back.
Thanks for your lovely review. I'm so happy that you like it and that you think Jim is insightful here. I was worried there would be too much introspection and Jim would be far too OOC. I always worry he's too mature and brooding, and that's just not how he is (portrayed in the movie). So, I'm glad someone thinks I've not got him hopelessly out of character.
Eimeo is totally amazing. Enough said.
No need for apologies regarding your review. I'm grateful you review at all, as you're certainly under no obligation to do so. Please know that I greatly appreciate every review you've been generous and kind enough to give.
Date: 09/27/2015 5:27 PM Title: Chapter 28
I was wondering how Gary died--you can feel Jim's pain when he realized that there was no hope. I hope this doesn't derail his relationship with Spock. Please know that your readers appreciate how regularly you update. I know you must have a busy life and the fact that you take the time to update on a frequent basis means a lot to us. Thank you.
Hi there :)
Yeah, I didn't want to go into too much detail of how Gary died, mainly because I don't have any medical expertise, plus I'm totally at a loss to predict what medical science will be able to cure in the C23th. So, I've kept it vague. Readers will hopefully be able to fill in the blanks with their own ideas/imagination as to how it happened. I'm really glad that Jim's pain and hopelessness comes across. It's always nice to know that I'm hitting the right notes. Hopefully, by the end of the chapter you can also sense Jim's coming to terms with his loss.
Don't worry about his relationship with Spock. If anything, it'll help Jim move on.
Thanks for the thank you :) I've always tried to update regularly (on the same day each week if poss), mainly because, as a regular fanfic reader myself, I always appreciate quick updates. It's really hard to wait months (sometimes many months) for the next chapter of a fic that you love. The worst thing is when you become really invested in a story and then it ends up as a permanent WIP beause it's been abandoned. Rest assured I'm not going to abandon this one. It's just that sadly, updates will no longer be so regular, simply because further chapters haven't been written yet. But I am working on them :) Hopefully, not too many readers will be lost with the longer gaps between chapters.
Thanks again for your continued support and encouragement via your lovely reviews. I keep saying it, but they really are appreciated.
Date: 09/13/2015 7:17 PM Title: Chapter 27
Welcome back. It's good that Jim can talk about Gary without feeling overwhEllington pain. Kudos to Spock for showing sensitivity and being willing to listen to Jim. The conversation about the penguin parable and relating it to humans is spot on. Even though we know that our resources are limited, we still keep wanting to use them as if they were endless. I don't get it.
Thanks :) It's good to be back.
Yeah, I don't get it either. Must be the way we humans are wired. It's obvious we won't do enough about the problem until it's way too late :(
Spock was really great wasn't he?
Thanks as ever for taking the time to comment :)
Date: 08/28/2015 6:06 AM Title: Chapter 26
September is almost around the corner, I do hope you had a great vacation. I love this little line here.There’s a small spot inside Jim, like a fading bruise, that still hurts when caught unawares by a stray memory, or when Jim picks and prods it, or thinks too closely about what he’s lost. Love how you compare the feeling of loss to a bruise. A bruise that is almost healed, but isn't quite there yet. It's no longer the dark ugly colors marking your skin, but slowly fading. When you touch it, there's a bit of pain, but it's healing slowly. Finally, no one is running away from the truth. They are in love with each other. It's about time... I have such a huge grin. Can't wait for next Sunday where they go on their date. Nyota sure had plenty to say... Anxiously waiting for the next chapter.
I had a pretty good vacation thanks. The weather wasn't always ideal. We had a couple of rainy days (one day in particular Noah would have been welcome), but mostly it was hot and sunny and it was good to get away and relax and not think about the everyday stuff :)
Yeah, Jim's getting over the worst of it now. He's ready to admit his feelings for Spock, thank goodness. It's about time we got to the slashy K/S stuff. You've all been so patient :))
Nyota sure did have plenty to say and she wasn't even there :) But, I think Jim may have some fun now he knows her first name.
Another update will hopefully be soon.
Thanks as always for your lovely review. I appreciate them all.
Date: 08/08/2015 6:11 PM Title: Chapter 26
Finally! Jim and Spock admitted how they feel about each other. I just hope Jim doesn't allow his insecurities to destroy this relationship. I understand having to take care of business. Do what you need to do, and enjoy your vacation. We'll be here when you come back in September. Take care.
Yeah, Jim's still got time to screw it up, unless he can reign those insecurities in. Let's hope he can, but well, you never know ; )
Thanks for the well wishes. I'm really looking forward to my hols. I'm ready for the break I think. It's wonderful to know you'll be waiting to pickup the story again next month. I was a little nervous about taking a break, as up to now I've managed to update weekly. Thank you so much for reading and continuing to review. I don't know if you realise it, but you've given fantastic and much appreciated support to a nervous newbie. It was, or seemed to be, a huge step to post my first fic. You make it all worthwhile. Thank you.
Date: 08/03/2015 11:56 PM Title: Chapter 25
Well, you're forgiven. That was very hot. Wow!!!
Jim has to realize that he will always be reminded of Gary. Any of us that have lost someone in their lives will have thoughts of them. It comes in waves. The gloves for example. I'm glad though, he's going through Gary's clothes, deciding what to keep or give away.
Jim has finally decided to leave Spock a message and Spock has responded. What does he want to discuss? Can't wait to find out.
I'm so glad you've forgiven me ;) I'm absolutely ecstastic you think it's hot. I had half a mind to issue a badly written porn warning before the chapter.
I think Jim's begining to realise that he can move on with Spock and be happy, but also miss Gary on occasion. Gary will always be a part of his life, his past, his memories. But the clothes sorting shows that he's ready to close another little chapter on that part of his life, and that's healthy. It's letting go, and moving forward.
Well, if you want to find out what Jim and Spock talk about, tune in on Saturday (hopefully) and all will be revealed ;)
Thanks again for all your lovely reviews. They made my day :)
Date: 08/03/2015 11:38 PM Title: Chapter 24
I'm thrilled that Jim told Bones. It must have felt wonderful to unload. Bones was shocked at first, but he's dealing with it. He had loads of good things to say. Love the humor as well. Wonderful chapter. Love the dialogue between them. You really get to know what Jim is thinking. He's finally saying what's on his chest, instead of keeping it for himself.
Now, we wait to see if Spock feels the same way.
Thank you. I'm so happy you love the chapter and that you like the dialogue. I always worry about dialogue. The chapter was made much better by my beta cutting lots of my waffle out. So, thanks go to her too.
Bones will certainly deal with it. At the end of the day he only wants Jim to be happy. He's been a great friend, I'm not sure what Jim would have done without him.
I don't think Jim's the type of person to talk about his feelings, but I'm glad he's talked about them here. We have to hope that it makes things clearer in his mind.
As to Spock feeling the same way. I think Spock's way ahead of Jim (don't forget he's already been bestowing Vulcan kisses).
Date: 08/03/2015 11:21 PM Title: Chapter 23
Love the cheesy pick up lines. I won't kill you, yet... Poor Jim. He's fighting so hard these feelings he's having for Spock. He's actually avoiding him, using excuses not to see him. I suppose we should give him a bit more time until he finally embraces those feelings. He's just not ready. This thing with Gaila, it's just not right. Why, use her like that. Is the Maru that important to him? I never particularly liked that.
The movie's deleted version is even worse. Did you know there was a scene after he successfully completed the Maru test he goes and appologizes to Gaila, but they made Jim look really dumb and an ass, because he goes on and on in a corridor with whom he thought was Gaila. Oops...duh, you can't even recognize the person you slept with? I'm glad it was deleted.
No, please don't kill me ;)
I can't disagree with you. The thing with Gaila isn't right, and yes it's crap that he'd even contemplate using either her or Spock to beat the test. But it is important to him. We can see this from both the Reboot and TOS universe (especially reboot). Jim was determind to beat the test in both. I don't particularly like it either, but as this fic covers a year in Jim's life and as it's set during his time at the Academy I didn't feel I could ignore the Maru altogether. Yes, they'll probably be some fall-out from this down the line, but then again the course of true love doesn't always run smooth. There might be a few bumps along the way ;)
I hope the Maru/Gaila part of the story doesn't put you off too much. I'm not trying to lose Jim the sympathy of the readers, or upset anyone. I don't know if you come back and read my responses to reviews, but if it makes you feel a little better that scene is not exactly as it seems either (see Macywinstars review of the next chapter after this one (the Bones chapter) and my response to her 'good spot'). But, yeah it's not good :( Sorry to disappoint.
Yes, I know about the deleted scene. *fumes*. I'll never watch that particular scene again. Not only because it makes Jim look like an ass and I don't find it believeable that Jim would fail to recognise her. He's supposed to be a genius ffs! But to my mind, it's actually quite offensive, on more than one level. First to women (and Gaila), like she's just a piece of meat. Second, the scene smacks of racism. In the past (and sadly, in some places still) some white people, (I'm white European by the way) have said "they all look the same to me, anyway," about black people, mainly. It kind of smacks of that, i.e. to Jim Orions all look the same. Like I say, offensive. What were they thinking of even filming it? Thank God someone had the good sense to leave it on the cutting room floor. Lastly, pretty insulting to TOS, as we all know many of the episodes touched upon such issues with sensitivity. Ugh.
I went with cheesy pick up lines because I can't flirt to save my life, and thus I can't write flirting and flirty dialogue at all well. So, what else could I do, but try and turn it to my advantage by having a cheesy pick up line competition. :)
Thanks for the thoughtful review, and I hope you're not to mad with me.
Date: 08/03/2015 10:57 PM Title: Chapter 22
Again forgive me. Been so busy with farm work. Jim thought at first that it was a bad idea to invite Spock to the celebrations. But, when they finally meet they have a great time. The only thing that is bothering Jim at the moment is those confliction emotions. I just love your description of how Jim is feeling when he begins to feel those sensations. Getting weak in the knees, his heart beats so fast...that's love Jim.
Jim can't believe he's feeling that now. Gary hasn't been gone that long, he's really having a hard time dealing with how he's reacting to Spock.
Love can be so complicated.
Nothing to forgive, dear :)
I hope everything's alright after the bad storm you had. Don't worry about not leaving quick reviews. I'm happy to know that you're still reading and enjoying it.
Yep, Jim's very conflicted right now. He's been on a rollercoaster ride over the last 14/15 months with his emotions, from the depths of despair to the dizzy heights of falling in love again.
Haha. I had to make the emotions quite pronounced for Jim to finally recognise them. He's been feeling stuff for Spock for weeks and not recognised what it means, despite having been in love before. The doofus :) But I'm glad you love them.
Thanks too for the reviews. I came back from work, after long hours of typing endless boring minutes, to find the review count had jumped four. So, thanks for making my day.
Date: 08/01/2015 9:40 PM Title: Chapter 25
Jim and Spock need to stop tip toeing around each other and admit how they feel. I know that Jim has demons--particularly Tarsus IV? Perhaps he needs to have that tough conversation with Winona and Sam so that he can finally express his feelings of abandonmen. They need to explain why they weren't there for him.
Yep, Jim and Spock definitely need to stop tip toeing around each other and Jim needs to stop avoiding him. I think you're right about Jim's demons holding him back, especially his abandonment issues. Not really sure he'll ever have that convo with Sam and Winona though, as the Kirk's in the reboot universe strike me as a dsyfunctional family who spend their time trying to ignore the dsyfunction completely. Sam and Winona were out of the movie very early on and so we have very little to go on to enable us to draw any concrete conclusions about his relationship with either, except they all seem estranged from one another. In this fic, I've probably given Jim a far warmer relationship with Winona than reboot canon intended them to have.
As for Spock and Jim, we'll see what they have to say to each other in the next chapter, and hopefully Jim will start to deal a little better.
Thanks for reviewing. I always appreciate your thoughts.
Date: 07/26/2015 12:30 AM Title: Chapter 24
Jim realizes just how much Gary helped him process his grief. If I interpret it, perhaps nothing serious went on with Jim and Gaila? I think Jim needs to accept that there is no time limit on grief--long or short. He just needs to figure out how to move on with Spock. And you are not long winded. A good story takes as long as it takes--one thousand words or one million words.
Yes, Jim is beginning to realise just how much Gary has helped him (though even now I don't think he realises the full extent of that help). Gary's help, I think, has enabled Jim to process his grief, and move through it, quicker and a little less painfully than it could have been otherwise.
As to Gaila/Jim, your interpretation is very accurate ;) I don't think it's spoilerish to say that considering there are two large clues in the chapter for observant readers. Firstly, the sentence "...you think," Jim says defensively, embarrassment pooling in his stomach at the memory. Secondly, that very same night (01:40 in the morning) Jim is calling on Bones. Jim's many things, but to my mind he's not someone who'll walk out and leave his partner before the night's even ended, casual encounter or not. So, good spot :)
Thanks too, for the reassurance regarding word/story length. I appreciate it. I was beginning to wonder. The read count is still healthy, but you're the only regular reviewer I've got left. I know reviews are just icing on the cake and no one is under any obligation to comment, and I shouldn't expect them, and I don't. Still, it's nice to know that I'm not boring everyone to death ;)
Thanks again for your lovely reviews (and for continuing to give them). It really is appreciated.
Date: 07/18/2015 4:24 PM Title: Chapter 23
I'm disappointed in how Jim is reacting to the realization that he loves Spock--but not surprised. I hope this doesn't destroy whatever chance they might have had to be together.
Sorry for the delay in responding, unfortunately I had deadlines to meet.
No, it's not really so surprising. Jim's running away. He's not wanting to think about it too much right now. He doesn't like to admit to emotions that might make him vulnerable, I think. Admitting he's in love with Spock will make him vulnerable, in his eyes. After all, looked what happened with Gary. He got hurt.
While not wanting to spoil you, I can tell you that I'm not aiming to write an unhappy ending ;)
The next update will be Saturday.
Thanks as always for stopping by and leaving a review. Much appreciated.