Date: 05/15/2016 4:24 PM Title: Chapter 22
Well, you might not believe me if I said it was worth waiting 11 months for. But on the other hand, it is quite lovely. I particularly love the way you use humourous POVs from a range of different characters to colour in the background of a thousand missions to what's going on in the immediate foreground - like here
Lying conscious on a biobed is Kirk's least favourite position. The doctor knows this. But he never abandons hope that this is the one time his CO will listen to sound medical advice. Privately she thinks the possibility of Kirk remaining horizontal given the information he's just been given is unlikely to be that time
What else? The extended Alice metaphor works really well, and I think you have Kirk's inner voice quite perfect; we are watching events develop through his eyes, quite literally so, and because you make him convincing, you take us to the bridge as though he's holding the camera. I love the way he talks to his crew in his head to tell the reader what's going on. And I think the Bones/Scotty dialogue is great.
You do an excellent job of building both depth and pace by hopping from POV to POV.
And I think you did the Kirk/Spock reunion beautifully. Satisfying and convincing and touching and not a moment of slush. Everyone is in character. Well done you.
Thank you and sorry about the nagging.
Date: 11/22/2015 8:57 AM Title: Chapter 21
So nagging does work. I'm not sure that capitulation is the best way of encouraging good behaviour but I won't quibble. I won't quite say the chapter is worth waiting for - I mean, it was a pretty significant wait - oh, ok, it was worth waiting for. I really love the Kirk inner dialogue (He needs a plan and he needs a phaser) and I like the Alice-in-Wonderland stuff and I think you are really excellent at describing the physical environment, including of Kirk walking around the ship - sounds, images, sensations, whilst at the same time providing the engagement of internal perspective And the idea of endless mirrors for endless scenarios - really nice metaphor for all the different potential duplicate indivduals and developments.
You write very well about the twin anxieties of Kirk and Spock about each other's safety - it's done professionally and unsentimentally and realistically, again in a nice mirrored way.
And your Spock is very, very true to life.
And it does feel like it's coming to a head - I'm sure you'll agree that you owe us the next chapter, like, now?
I mean, you wouldn't want me to nag, right?
Thanks so much for this.
Date: 12/14/2014 7:55 AM Title: Chapter 20
I'm not sure this isn't my favourite chapter yet. You do Spock POV so well - perfectly in voice, immensely accessible, very funny and a wonderfully light touch. And really nice balance between reflection and engaging plot development throughout the chapter, and a sense of things about to happen.
It is not possible for the universe to subtract the captain's presence from the sum total of life forms in your vicinity and for you not to know.
I really like the inner voice about emotional compromise which never strays into sentimentality.
Despite his reputation as a miracle worker the Enterprise's chief engineer doesn't actually believe in miracles - you know, I don't think I've ever read anyone dissect the miracle worker tag like that and reduce it to the scientific expertise that it is, really nicely done.
And it's a good flashback memory, too - easier to see Spock taking refuge in memory than expressing overt fear or concern to himself.
And how what's going to happen??
Date: 10/28/2014 8:47 PM Title: Chapter 19
It does make sense to me. I have little to add to Jane D's brilliant analysis of this chapter, and I heartily endorse the TOS-ish quality of this story. Will be waiting eagerly for the next chapter. Don't worry abotu how long it takes, because a story of this quality is worth every minute.
Date: 10/05/2014 6:33 PM Title: Chapter 19
Great binary theme in this chapter - divided Rawlson, query divided Spock, Kirk divided as he is torn between different scenarios, and the binary arithmetic in Rawlson's thinking. The two pairs, Rawlson and Barker, Kirk and Jake, and the two starships. Also like the sensory descriptions of Rawlson - the feeling of dirt and taste and vision, too, (colours black and white and red) - all very immediately conjured. And after all the other POVs, we come back to Kirk who isn't on his bridge and isn't in charge and isn't Rawlson and is stuck on the planet and doesn't really know what's going on, particularly with Spock. Which is very reminiscent of TOS - camera panning in and out of starship and planet, different perspectives. Think your muse is doing fine. Thank you very much.
Well, I think your review is much cleverer than my chapter. I know I was attempting some sort of theme and post your review, am quite happy to claim it was binary. Also particularly delighted that you can detected TOS-ness and sixities camerawork. That's still how I'm seeing this. Thank you for a lovely review -- will now wear a big grin all day.
Date: 10/05/2014 3:00 AM Title: Chapter 1
Awesome! A story about risk and trek. Waitting the end.
I'm waiting the end too. I've loved having a story on the go for so long and am enjoying playing with plot. But we're on the final straight now. Thanks for your review.
Date: 10/04/2014 10:01 AM Title: Chapter 19
I'm sticking with this story slowly but surely. I won't give up on it. I have trouble remembering the storyline but a quick reread reminds me. This was a good chapter. I can't wait to see how this turns out.
I don't blame you for losing track of the storyline with all these pauses and am delighted you're prepared to make the effort to re-read. Thank you for sticking with me and for taking the time and trouble to review.
Date: 08/10/2014 6:09 PM Title: Chapter 18
Very nice Spock POV. I like the mixture of irony, nostalgia, visual memory, Kirk half encouraging him from afar and the logical bit of getting down to business.
Particularly liked Spock tries and fails to understand why a family member would advocate repeating a pattern of behaviour which, on the balance of probabilities, seems likely to result in a loss of dignity at best and severe injury at worst.
In fact, I like the whole falling-off-a-horse memory. Very authentic.
Also very authentic is the way they stop dead in the middle of a crisis and have a chat. Not meant as a criticism - it's what happens all the time in TOS, and as you say, it's Spock doing exactly what Kirk would have done.
Date: 08/09/2014 10:42 AM Title: Chapter 18
This chapter was well worth the wait. The writing is superb, as usual. I loved the "get back on the horse" story/analogy, and it was very apt. I especially loved the briefing and the glimpse of the crisp, professional temwork of the Enterprise officers, and the insight into how Kirk leads even when he is not on the ship. For example, this:
"His captain may be poisoned and paralysed in a subterranean chamber beyond the reach of the ship's sensors but his voice still whispers in a Vulcan ear -- and it counsels that without an adequate briefing the odds of a successful rescue mission are considerably diminished."
So very right. We need more of this in fan fiction.
Sorry about the wait and glad you haven't given up on me. I will finish this even though it's taken a lot longer than any of my previous stories. Thank you for another lovely review and for letting me know what worked for you -- that's the best kind of feedback and it's what keeps us all bashing away at the keyboard.
Date: 08/09/2014 9:45 AM Title: Chapter 18
Oh lordy. Spock's in for it now. I don't know what's coming but with these people on the case it'll be solved in no time. Great chapter. Great memory of Kirk on the not-horse.
Well, not sure about "solved in no time" but I reckon another three or four chapters should just about wrap things up. Thank you for staying the course and for your lovely review.
Date: 06/15/2014 9:35 PM Title: Chapter 17
I am definitely staying the course. Please keep writing this story. Love your take on the characters.
So kind of you to let me know you're reading. It's very motivating. And glad you like my take on the crew -- as I've said below, they do have a tendency to take over this story and go their own way but even they must realise that some sort of resolution to this can't be far away.
Date: 06/15/2014 3:10 PM Title: Chapter 1
Well... I hardly ever read a WIP (due to being disappointed if they stop dead)but I've been drawn to this and... I just read the first chapter. (Punches self in the shoulder) (Hard)
I am SO delighted to read a mission fic - I bloody love and respect them - and your writing is confident, assured and knowing. Your 'voices' are spot on and, so, I am now totally hooked! I'm about to wave goodbye to the rest of my evening as I MUST read on!
Thanks so much for sharing!
How lovely that you've joined me and so glad you're hooked on this, my first attempt to write the twists and turns of a mission fic. I have a soft spot for seeing our boys in action too and am trying to imagine this as TOS (with rather more internal dialogue/monologue -- the angst will out). I've never had an incomplete story up and I don't intend to start now. But I'm afraid I'm only managing to update about once a month at the moment. Have high hopes that the end is now in sight and I promise I will finish this, not matter how long it takes.
Date: 06/15/2014 1:14 PM Title: Chapter 17
I think you do a lovely mixture of action and contemplation. My particular favourites was this
Kirk has never liked tunnels; has never felt the urge to go caving, to fold himself into underground spaces and learn a world by torchlight. It's not that he's claustrophobic, he tells himself, it's just that given the choice he'll always opt for a sky full of stars, an open rock-face and a view. He feels vulnerable here in this shadowed world of dark sludge and curving corners in a way he never does suspended over the void. And it's not just the absence of a phaser in his hand, or the pressure of gravity compressed rocks above his head where there should be space and sky. The fact is there's a small boy where his First Officer should be and he's never felt more exposed.
I love the way you build in such obvious facets of how Kirk is (absolutely not an underground person and he's about the open air and of course El Capitan and the stars, lots of visual memories there) and then the wonderful contrast of Spock and Jake. And I like the way you flash back over the past hours to see where it was leading to, again very visual.
Everyione is staying the course. They're not all reviewing but they are staying the course, if only because they really want to know what happens next!
Yay -- this was my favourite paragraph too. It felt obvious to me that this is not K's natural environment (and it seems a long time since I let the poor chap out into the light -- I've buried him for more than a dozen chapters now). I'm keen to know what happens next too. I think I know but when I start writing the characters have their own ideas and have a tendency to take over.
Date: 06/15/2014 10:00 AM Title: Chapter 17
I don't like walking in tunnels, either, and you made me feel intense what it feels like for Kirk on this journey (scary). The writing is rich, intense, vivid, particularly the scene in the cavern with the berylliun crystals. Eager for more, as always.
It's always wonderful to know you've connected with someone who's reading your stuff. I know exactly what the beryliium cave looks (and smells) like and have done for some time so thank you for letting me know you were able to share. Really appreciate it.
Date: 05/26/2014 3:56 AM Title: Chapter 1
I really like your Spock POV. You do it incredibly well in the third person; I know you've done it before elsewhere. I particularly like the perspective that the unreality, the lack of certainty of perception, is somehow transferred to the world around him (animate and inanimate) as opposed to himself. And I like the thought processes through which he considers the potential human and Vulcan responses. Hugely authentic but at the same time much more indepth and internal than permitted by TOS.
I'd orginally started this chapter with a Scotty POV but Spock stood in the shadows of my keyboard, and raised an eyebrow and I simply couldn't resist. And yes, I find this by the far the easiest perspective voice for our favourite Vulcan. Really pleased this worked for you. In the end, despite the delay, it was mostly written in one time compressed morning so I can see a few rough edges now.
Date: 05/25/2014 11:27 PM Title: Chapter 16
This just keeps getting better and better. And more exciting and intriguing. I'll wait however long it takes you to finish it!
I'm going to roll my responses to all your lovely reviews into one text box for fear of otherwise becoming repetitive. But I do want you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to give chapter by chapter feedback. There's nothing to compare to the warm glow of a string of emails from the KS archive telling you someone is actually reading and enjoying your work. I'm so glad this is reading like classic TOS for you and that you're being carried along by a plot which, to be frank, doesn't really bear the closest scrutiny. But then, hey, are't plot holes classic TOS too? At least that's how I justify it in my own head. Will try my best to truncate the wait for updates but, like you, I'm finding RL does have a habit of getting in the way of fanfic.
Date: 05/25/2014 11:23 PM Title: Chapter 15
Love it that Jake's mother is captain of the Demeter. Am eager to see Spock's negative half -- even in the Mirror universe his counterpart was basically good, so am wondering if this will hold true for his duplicate?