Date: 03/23/2012 9:06 AM Title: Chapter 2
If you're wondering about mum vs. mom, I and any other American here can assure you that an American born and bread boy or girl would always use the word mom.
I think this is the sentence that caused the controversy yesterday: Partly to honour George Kirk, mostly to make use of the wide empty spaces and dumb country-folk who wouldn’t cause many problems.
It gave me pause because I would not generally consider Iowans to be dumb country folk. Even their wingnuts aren't dumb... just wingnutty. Just look at the news earlier this year--Iowa Republicans didn't exactly turn out big for Michele Bachmann (just google her), pretty much causing her to drop out of the presidential race. Now, I could mention a bunch of examples of states and regions that I would overall classify as dumb based on their political history and vital statistics, but that would just upset other users and turn this into a political rotten tomato flinging party. My point is that when held against other American states, Iowans are anything but dumb.
And here's my take on it: I realize that you are young and not wise in the ways of the world. But when giant government or business projects get sited, there was usually a great deal of bussing of posteriors and money in some form or another getting waved around because big projects bring jobs. The exception would be projects such as incinerators and refineries which foul the environment and carry some sort of immanent and long-term danger to the neighborhood such that only the poorest and most powerless would tolerate, much less embrace, their construction. There's nothing in the Star Trek movie to indicate that ship-building is the latter sort of project so it's more reasonable to assume that it fits in the 'former' column, with powerful IA pols using committee seniority and local pols promising tax concessions to lure the project into the state in the hopes of reviving the local economy. Google "iowa ethanol congress" for a peek at what Iowa is really about. These are people who know what side their bread is buttered on. Not dumb or ignorant in the least. Also, same sex marriage. Were you aware they were one of the first US states to legalize same sex marriage, and the first in the Midwest?
Now don't get me wrong--I was not and am not angry about that sentence because the dart falls so wide of the target it's more amusing than insulting. But it did give me pause. If I were your beta reader I would have flagged it for the reasons I gave above.
Date: 03/22/2012 9:10 PM Title: Chapter 2
You know, this is really embarrassing, but I don't know how to spell Oker.....Okka.... Okker? either lolol.
This story is really good, you should definitely keep writing more of this, and more stories. You have a refreshing style and a knack for describing emotions without getting all mushy about them.
And as a fellow Aussie I would have thought it odd if you wrote "mom" lololol.
Date: 03/22/2012 7:12 PM Title: Chapter 2
What a great premise! Jim on Vulcan :) and i like the connection you're weaving between them. Is it the thyla bond already? Can't wait to see how sarek's convinced to bring jim home! I love loving and emotional spock..... As long as it's only around jim, lol. He can be a robot with everyone else!
Date: 03/22/2012 5:12 PM Title: Chapter 2
Two well written beginning chapters. I feel like you did an excellent job of character development with Jim and Spock so far. I love the story so far. One word of caution based on mistakes I've made - don't rush out chapters until you're completely happy with them. If that means making people wait an extra week or two for an update, so be it. Hopefully a fine beginning will result in a fine story overall.
Date: 03/21/2012 7:07 PM Title: Chapter 1
nice start!! no worries about mum instead of mom -- there's a lot of us brits around here and most aren't even expats like me. likewise teh big white spaces between paragraphs, 'tis easy to edit out when ye post and just not that annoying. very interested to see more of this!
Date: 03/21/2012 5:17 PM Title: Chapter 1
It's a well written first chapter, especially for a teen. I will look forward to updates.
The use of "mum" to mean mother marks you as being from the UK or some part of the world that came under the unfortunate influence of that little kingdom. Americans would say "mom". "Mum" in American English means unable to speak or silent.
I really don't like huge spaces between paragraphs in stories. A couple lines is sufficient.
Most stories about Jim's childhood seem to use the Tarsus episode as a dividing point with his relationship to Frank. You're going to have to figure out how to get rid of Frank pretty quickly in order for your story to progress.
I like how you ended the chapter with a cliff hanger of sorts. The Golden Sparrow is going to need some explaining, or perhaps not if you want it to remain a mystery. Anyway, good luck with the rest of the story.
A final caution. Be careful of veiled insults directed at people who don't happen to come from major metropolitan areas. There are a lot of insults that could be directed at residents of major metropolitan areas - homeless psychotics, drug dealers, gang members, illegals, rich ripping off and taking advantage of the poor and the middle class, tasteless followers of the latest fashion trends, mindless liberals who take MSNBC and NPR as gospel, the list goes on. These people don't represent the majority in any western nation, whether that be the US, UK, Canada, etc. So try to remember to not carelessly insult the majority of your audience by inferring that they are all retarded and ignorant.
Date: 03/21/2012 6:43 AM Title: Chapter 1
Trying to figure out if that was Spock, the sparrow, or Kirk who blacked out just now, but other than that, I really like this story. It is not the typical. I like the deliberate, thoughtful pace and the way your draw the characters. I also like the note of whimsy or fantasy which is very appropriate for characters of this age. I also loved Kirk's smartass remarks in class.
In the US there is such a thing as emancipation of a minor, but it's difficult to do and thus not really an option for everyone. I know when I was a little bit older than Kirk in your story I had some of the same thoughts and knew that running away without anywhere to go was pretty grim. Adults already didn't believe what was going on in that house, so I escaped through fantasy. So I can relate? That thing about Kirk not breaking in because the Enterprise might also disappoint him hit home for me too. That definitely used to be me.
Date: 03/21/2012 6:27 AM Title: Chapter 1
Hello, Ko-nekozawa ~_^ okay, I will add -sama ^^ as you are now a monogatari-ka-san. I have a little tip for using this website. You need to put some sort of marker between your author's note and the start of your story. You could just put in a bolded, uppercase TITLE where your story starts, or you could add some sort of ~~**~~ improvised dingbat at the end of your author's note. Or put a -NK at the end of the author's note at the very least.
Anyway, off to read the first part.