Reviewer: Fabled Charger Signed
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
I have been dodging this story a few times now, I am not a big fan of OC's and rarely indulge in reading any story that supports them. But this story did get very good reviews so I decided to give it a try.
I will start by saying that personally, for me, you are an excellent writer and you deserve every ounce pf praise that is given to you on that account. I love your writing style; it is effortless to read, it flows and you get drawn into the story with this writing, really ten out of ten for this. Just AMAZING!
But I was very disappointed and extremely annoyed at the character Dray T'serek.
I will endeavour to explain why.
First off he has no character to speak of, no real personality, he's an excuse to make all the other people crazy with lust and make them do stupid things. While he is blissfully unaware of this, which makes it a very convenient excuse for him to do as he pleases and have no REAL consequences whatsoever.
He gets tossed from ship to ship? No real problem he's nineteen and he's better at command than Kirk and Spock put together.
He is moody. But only to such an extent that everyone has pity for him. He is sharp in that he is sharper than the scientists, probably more intelligent if I'm guessing where this story is going and he is much better than Kirk strength, wits and leader ability. Which irked me to no end.
If you want to create a new race, think them through carefully. In the whole part I read I could not see one fault in Dray T'serek.
The reason why the Vulcan's work is because they sacrificed so much in order to be who they are. They gave up emotion to prevent themselves from destroying each other. They are strong, yes and they can be vicious, but they never (or almost never) use this to their advantage.
They have faults, faults we love, but faults nonetheless.
Remember this when trying to create a new race. The way that this is going? Their race can take over the galaxy no problem, there's just no competition. It's boring, painful to read and quite frankly I'm starting to wish he'll end up in some horrible accident and suffer brain damage.
At least that would balance out the field... somewhat.
I know I'm being harsh and I give you every right to go to my story and do exactly the same to me. I won't mind, tear me a new one, but the reason I am being so harsh is so you can understand why Gary Stu's and Mary Sue's are so hated.
The dude is even more beautiful than anything in the galaxy stronger, faster, better pain endurance. He can probably look a Medusan in the eye and have no ill effects. He probably knows when spock is trying to communicate with him through telepathy and can probably resist Spock easily. If I start reading a story and I start thinking these things out loud and start rolling my eyes at certain parts in the story, then there is a big problem.
I stopped reading after he grabbed the Romulan by the neck and held him at knife point, it was too much. To tell you the truth I would have enjoyed it so much more if he was just a normal guy with everyday problems like everyone else and he just had a very strange effect on people.
I understand he is a warrior race, but so are the Klingons and they are NOT charismatic or beautiful, they suffer because they are solely warriors.
The 10/10 is not a mistake on my part I wanted to give you that, because it is my personal opinion and it is highly unfair that my opinion should damage the reputation of your story.
Like I said good solid writing style and the characters were in character, it was just that guy and because he played such a big part I just couldn't read further, it was too painful.
Good job nonetheless