Spock knelt on the meditation mat in front of the firepot. The glow of the scented candles usually infused him with a sense of peace, but tonight it wasn’t working. He could feel the tension in his body from the tips of his hair down to his very toenails. The mind exercises were futile, yet he stayed on the mat and kept trying.
Kirk finally entered their quarters, stumbling slightly as he undressed. Spock could smell the alcohol emanating from him. As he managed to get to the bed, the other odors became more pronounced.
“Let’s go to bed, Spock, I’m tired.”
“You need to shower, first.”
Kirk pulled the covers back, and slid to one side. “Too late, I’ll shower in the morning.” He patted the mattress next to him. “C’mon. I’ve missed you.”
An involuntary tremor shuddered down Spock’s back, and he slowly rose to his feet. He draped the robe at the foot of the bed, and stretched along the very edge.
Kirk yawned and scratched, then spooned his body alongside his mate. Soon gentle snores penetrated the darkness. Spock lay awake, as the different odors assaulted his senses: alcohol, sweat, perfume, and sex.
Another sleepless night.
They hadn’t been bonded very long, just a few months, when Kirk’s eye began to wander. Spock tried to discuss it with Kirk, but Kirk got defensive and Spock didn’t want to sound like he was begging.
He wanted to beg, however.
James “Tomcat” Kirk had a reputation throughout the galaxy as a ladies’ man. Starfleet ran thick with stories of how he seduced or romanced nearly every woman he encountered. As a starship Captain, his encounters were many and the stories were legendary.
It was a complete surprise when Kirk and Spock were bonded.
The first affair was a mistake, an aberration, a slip, and it wouldn’t happen again. Kirk apologized, and he lavished extra attention on Spock. He tried to explain it wasn’t any fault of Spock, rather, it was a weakness of Kirk.
As time passed, though, the weakness of Kirk appeared regularly.
The incidents were typically solitary events, one-night-stands, so to speak. A pretty lady would catch Kirk’s eye, and he would begin the conquest. The soft smiles, the heavy-lidded glances, the touch of the hand, the extra attention led to dinner, drinks, dancing, and a sexual interlude.
The next day, the Enterprise would warp out of orbit and be back in space.
Kirk would act like nothing had happened. He would play the role of devoted bondmate to Spock, and expect to resume their relationship where they had left off before the interruption.
“What exactly are you seeking?” Spock asked him once.
“I really can’t explain, Spock. It’s like an itch that needs to be scratched. The whole package of femininity is like a craving I get every so often. The softness, the gentleness, the smell, the sensuality, I need it like a vitamin, I guess.”
“Why did you even bother with me, then? Why start the relationship, why bond with a man, if you need a woman?”
“My God, Spock, I love you. You are my heart, my mind, my very soul, you are a part of me.”
Spock turned away. “Yet I am not enough. You need what I cannot give you.”
“It’s me, not you.”
Kirk walked around Spock, and grabbed his face with both hands. ‘You knew what I was like. You knew.”
“I cherish thee.” Spock pulled Kirk’s hands away from him.
“I don’t love them, Spock. I have never loved anyone but you. Make no mistake on that, I love only you.”
It was a bruising, crushing kiss. They fell into bed and made love, seeking, soothing, hurting, affirming.
They solved nothing.
Kirk continued to cheat.
Spock continued to hurt. And to forgive. And ultimately, to accept.
To Spock, all that mattered was Jim, Jim, Jim.