Everytime She Closed Her Eyes
When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach so,
She ran away in her sleep,
And dreamed of Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise,
Every time she closed her eyes.
Jamie Kirk, Starfleet cadet, troubled soul, and the most promising command student of her year, lay in bed remembering what had happened the past few days. With the Narada, Commander Spock, Nero, Vulcan, old Spock, Pike, and Earth.
And now, all she could think of was whether her parents would have been proud of what she had accomplished. It it hurt more than she could really bear right now, so she rolled in her bed and glared at her wall. Had Commander Spock not brought up mention of her father, had she not been forced to provoke him, then she wouldn't be thinking of her parents. Or feeling bad for him because he lost one of his.
Jamie rolled over again with a groan. Her train of thought hit an unexpected turn as she remembered his strong hands. Even laid on her in anger, she could recall the heat, the intensity of it. The bile that rose to her throat when she saw Uhura kiss him passionately on the transport pad.
With an angry growl, Jamie rolled and grabbed her pillow, flinging it with some force at the wall opposite of her. She knew better than to expect things from others. It always led to broken expectations and troubled thoughts. A long time ago, back when Frank had agreed to ship her off planet, back when starvation and death were the only things she saw and felt, the only expectations she had were that she could only feel happy and loved in her dreams.
Now, she was in that same place. Unhappiness in her every thought, jealousy and anger coloring her mood, Jamie reluctantly stood to retrieve her pillow. She was to stand in front of everyone tomorrow and received some sort of thanks for her actions of saving Earth. And she didn't need to look sleep deprived and upset when she did so.
Wrapping her arms around the pillow, Jamie sank back into bed. Stray thoughts swam through her even as she drifted off. And dreamt of strong, warm hands soothing her and bringing peace.
When she was just a girl,
She expected the world,
But it flew away from her reach,
And the bullets catch in her teeth.
They hadn't expected the natives to be peaceful, but with another ensign dead, Captain Jamie Kirk felt the guilt heavily on her heart. This was the third person in six months who would be sent back to Earth in a box. Although Bones had made it abundantly clear she wasn't to blame herself, Jamie knew she was responsible for every life aboard her ship.
To make it worse, as if Jamie wasn't in enough pain, she had to endure seeing Uhura run up to Spock and embrace him only seconds after the landing party had returned. Jamie had slid past them and walked out of the transport room, not even bothering to look back at the sight or say goodbye to her first officer.
The same man she dreamed about almost every night.
Now she sat curled up on her couch in her ready room, staring out the observation window and watching the stars streak across her vision. Everything blurred as tears formed in her eyes as she remembered the look on the young ensign's face as the phaser bolt had hit home.
A sob formed, bubbling up from Jamie's chest, causing her to miss the sound of the door opening. Jamie hugged the throw pillow tight, her face buried in the cloth.
Jamie sat up quickly, wiping her tear streaked cheeks before she turned to look at Spock, who stood uncertainly just in front of the closed door. His hands were clasped behind his back, his body language for all the world like he was on shift, but after months of working together, Jamie could recognize that look in his eyes.
"Go away Spock," Jamie said as she turned back to the large window, pulling up her legs so she could hug them to her chest, trapping the pillow there.
"The doctor informed me that you needed, as his words were, 'a damn good friend' right now. Because he was unable to come himself, I took it upon myself to -"
"I don't need a friend," Jamie interrupted quietly. "I need to be alone."
"It is my understanding that humans find solace in being comforted by another." Rather than leave, Spock made his way around the small sofa and took the other cushioned seat. He was close enough that Jamie could feel the heat through both their uniforms.
She very nearly jumped when a hand touched her arm, long slender digits wrapping around her bicep in a comforting gesture. Jamie closed her eyes, remembering how often she had dreamt of those hands touching her. Tears leaked from her eyes again as she tried to block out the memories of things that had not and never would happen.
One sharp tug and Jamie sprawled over. Spock pulled her into an embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around her as another sob broke from her chest. Jamie turned and buried her face in the science blues, tears wetting the front of his shirt as she cried. His hand ran against her back in soothing circles as he held her.
Jamie wasn't sure when it happened, but the warmth combined with the spicy scent that was all Spock, she cried herself to sleep. Her dreams went to that place again, with the sensation of his arms leading the way.
Life goes on, it gets so heavy,
The wheel breaks the butterfly,
Every tear a waterfall,
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes,
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly,
And dreams of Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise.
Nothing she had learned at the academy could have prepared her for this reality. The colors around her were unnaturally bright against the dull sky. People were frantic above her. There was worry in Bones' face as he leaned over her, his words never reaching her ears. Maybe she would never hear again. The sound of that explosion had been extremely loud and close.
But Jamie had managed to push the ensign out of the way. She knew he was still alive, and that's all that mattered to her foggy mind. Not that she could feel warm blood leaking from her body, or the sensation of floating she was picking up from her brain.
And everyone else was safe. The only problem was the panic in their faces as they dematerialized. The scene above her changed to cold metal and bright lights. Jamie closed her eyes, tears squeezing out. She barely felt the arms lifting her as easily as if she weighed nothing, but once that broke through her haze, Jamie knew there was only one person who could pick up her compactly muscled form with so little effort.
She was dreaming. She had to be. Because since that night in her ready room, Spock had avoided her. He was absent from everything she did, and only coolly regarded her during their shifts. Jamie assumed it was because she had been an overly emotional human. When she woke that morning alone on her couch, she was afraid of Spock's reaction during their next shift, but there had never been one.
So this was just another dream. Another moment her mind comforted her with the impossible. It wasn't Spock carrying her down the hall like a precious item, it wasn't Spock laying her gently down on a biobed and brushing her hair from her face, it wasn't Spock taking her hand as her wounds were seen to.
It was a dream.
And so lying underneath those stormy skies,
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
Jamie walked to her quarters, intent upon sleeping and allowing the blissful world of her dreams take her. She nodded at a few ensigns she passed in the hall, but her mind was elsewhere.
Spock hadn't shown up for his shift. It was the same for the past week. Ever since she had been released from sickbay, he had found every excuse to avoid her. From the need to see to the science labs to switching to another bridge shift, Jamie hadn't laid eyes on Spock since she had beamed down to that planet.
After an evening in the rec room with Sulu and Chekov, Jamie just wanted to retreat to the safety of her rooms and dreams, where nothing could hurt her. She took the last remaining steps to her quarters and opened the door only to freeze.
Her first officer was standing in the center of the room, watching the door. He looked so tired to her, but then she knew the signs. That subtle slump of his shoulders, the way his eyes seemed distant.
"Captain," he replied, taking a few steps forward. "I apologize for intruding, however I must speak with you."
Jamie felt irritation rise in her chest. "What?"
"I..." Spock stopped and looked at her as she crossed the room to take her desk chair. He slowly turned as she passed. "I wish to inform you of...I wish to become romantically involved with you."
Jamie froze halfway down into her chair, ass hovering just above the seat as she looked up at Spock. That was the last thing she ever expected from him. She let herself fall the remainder of the way into her seat.
"What about Uhura?"
"Our romantic relationship ended four point five months ago."
Four and a half months ago. Jamie could do the math. That was just after the night spent in her ready room. The night she had cried herself to sleep in his arms and dreamt about...
She felt the blood rush from her face. "Please tell me this isn't because of that night."
"I cannot tell you that. I can tell you that the night I know you are speaking of was the last sign I needed to make my decision. And to show the lieutenant some respect, I decided it would be better not to pursue you before she was over our relationship."
"And last week?" Jamie shot at him.
"I was...attempting to prepare myself for this meeting."
Jamie closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. After so many months of pining, of keeping her infatuation a secret, here was the object of her desire, standing in front of her, professing his want to be in a relationship with her.
A warm hand settled on her knee and Jamie refused to open her eyes just to realize that none of this was real. It wasn't until she felt his forehead press against hers that she allowed hope to flair to life.
"Jamie," he breathed. "I am in love with thee."
His lips were warm, just as warm as his hands. When he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, Jamie let out a sigh as she slipped into his embrace.
And when she opened her eyes, he was still there, looking at her with love in his eyes.
This could be Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise. Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh This could be Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise. This could be Para-para-paradise Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh.