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1

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He glances around, and the familiar walls of the sickbay greet him. Nurse Chapel notes his awareness and rushes out of the room to fetch Dr. McCoy. He waits patiently.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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2

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy walks in.

"Where is Jim? Is he uninjured?" Spock demands, sitting up.

"Jim is fine. He had to handle some things on the bridge. He'll be down to see you as soon as he can." Dr. McCoy approaches him with his tricorder and begins taking readings.

"Fine has variable meanings," Spock responds, but he settles back into the bed anyway.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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3

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is next to him, taking readings on the tricorder.

"That's odd," McCoy notes to himself as he taps the screen a few times.

"Jim! Where is he? Is he in good health?" Spock demands, sitting up.

Dr. McCoy looks at him strangely. "Jim's fine. He's still on the bridge. He's on his way."

"Fine has variable meanings," Spock responds, but he settles back into the bed anyway.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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10

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is standing next to the bed, holding a tricorder, but he is not observing the screen. He is staring at Spock.

"Where is Jim? Is he physically healthy?" Spock demands, sitting up.

The tricorder drops from McCoy's hands and shatters on the floor. The doctor seems to be looking at Spock, but seeing beyond him at the same time.

"Are you physically healthy, Doctor?" Spock is hesitant. "Perhaps you need someone to check up on your well-being...?"

McCoy blinks.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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23

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is staring at him.

"Is Jim here? Is he injured?" Spock demands, sitting up.

Dr. McCoy doesn't respond. He continues to stare at Spock, his eyes widening with realization and horror.

Spock believes that this look has answered his question. He inhales, attempting to gather himself. "How critical is his condition?"

"He's fine," Dr. McCoy says slowly, continuing to stare at Spock.

"Fine has variable meanings," he responds. He settles back into the bed under McCoy's intense scrutiny.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

27

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is rifling through a cabinet on the other side of the room. Spock glances around the sickbay.

"Dr. McCoy, where is Jim? I trust his lack of presence means he is uninjured?" Spock demands, sitting up.

"Damn it, Spock! Not now! Can't you quit worrying about him for a second?" Dr. McCoy snaps angrily.

He sighs, turning around with a psychotricorder in his hand.

"Sorry," he says gruffly. "I didn't mean it. He's fine."

"Fine has variable meanings," Spock responds. He settles back into the bed as McCoy raises the instrument to his head.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

99

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is next to him, reaching for his communicator.

Before Spock can say anything, Dr. McCoy is speaking into the communicator.

"McCoy to Kirk," McCoy says quietly.

"Kirk here. Is he awake?" the communicator crackles.

"Yeah," McCoy's voice shakes a bit as he continues, "but you need to come down here. Now."

"On my way. Kirk out."

McCoy puts down the communicator.

"Jim is of satisfactory health?"

"He's fine." McCoy doesn't look at him.

"Fine has variable meanings," he responds. He rests his head on the pillow.

"Unfortunately," McCoy concurs.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

100

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is standing next to him. Jim is rushing into the sickbay.

"Jim!" Spock says. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile. "I trust you are in satisfactory health?"

"I'm fine," Jim responds. "I've just been waiting for you to wake up."

"Fine has variable meanings." Spock lifts an eyebrow. Jim grabs Spock's hand and smiles at him reassuringly.

Jim turns to McCoy. "What's the emergency?"

Spock's eyes go blank.

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101

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in the sickbay, Jim is holding his hand, and Dr. McCoy is standing next to him.

"Jim!" Spock says. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile. "Our last mission left you uninjured?"

Jim looks confused. "I'm fine, Spock. Really."

"Fine has variable meanings." Spock lifts an eyebrow.

Jim squeezes Spock's hand, as he glances at Dr. McCoy with a question on his face that he can't seem to verbalize.

"Just watch," McCoy says grimly. He doesn't look directly at either of them.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

102

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in the sickbay, Jim is gripping his hand tightly, and Dr. McCoy is standing next to him.

"Jim!" Spock says. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile. "The mission ended well, I presume?"

Jim's face is split between amused and confused. "Is this some kind of Vulcan joke?" He smiles at Dr. McCoy. "I'm surprised you got him in on this kind of thing, Bones."

Dr. McCoy turns away. Jim looks back at Spock.

"I am unable to ascertain the meaning of your previous statement," Spock says. He raises an eyebrow. "I assure you, Captain. I never 'joke'."

"It's not a joke, Jim." McCoy doesn't turn around.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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103

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in the sickbay. Jim's hand is lax in his own. Dr. McCoy is standing nearby.

"... real funny guys," Jim is saying. "Ha ha," he continues dryly. "You can stop pretending now."

"Jim!" Spock says. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile.  "You are safe!"

Jim drops his hand and backs a few steps away from the bed. He looks at Dr. McCoy.

"What's wrong with him?"

"There has been severe damage to the hippocampus. He seems to have anterograde amnesia."

"In not-doctor speak?"

"He can't remember anything beyond about 15 to 55 seconds."

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

104

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Jim is in front of him, gazing at McCoy, who is next to the bed.

"He'll recover, right?" Jim demands. It's clear that even though Jim is looking at Dr. McCoy, Jim is referring to Spock's health.

"Jim, I'm 'fine'." Spock uses the colloquialism to reassure Jim. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile.

"Fine has variable meanings," Jim snaps back, without looking away from McCoy.

The room is silent.

"Bones..." Jim's voice is pleading.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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107

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Jim and Dr. McCoy seem to be arguing next to his bed.

"Why can't he just enter one of those healing thingies?"

"He can't because his mind is essentially resetting itself every half a minute. He can't focus long enough to reach a meditative state."

"I assure you both, I'm 'fine'." Spock uses the colloquialism to reassure Jim. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile. He reaches out a hand to Jim.

"Fine has variable meanings, damn you!" Jim shouts at him. "Isn't that what you always say?!"

Spock's hand falls.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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115

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. Dr. McCoy is holding Jim in his arms next to Spock's bed.

Spock is ready to growl, but stops himself upon seeing the glassy look in Jim's eyes.

"Nothing?" Jim mumbles into McCoy's shoulder. "What about a mind meld?"

"No, Jim. You can't. I spoke to Dr. M'Benga. The damage in his mind is likely to telepathically put yours into the same state. We can't risk it," Dr. McCoy murmurs.

Jim protests. "But the link is already there-"

"It is not actively melding with you. It's only giving each of you basic awareness of the other," McCoy interrupts.

"Could it repair itself with sleep? Time?" Jim sounds so desperate.

"It could," McCoy says. His attempt at reassurance is undermined by the doubt in his voice.

Jim looses himself from McCoy's arms and turns away.

"Call me when he's better." His voice is simultaneously cold and shaking.

"Jim, I'm 'fine'." Spock uses the colloquialism to reassure Jim.

"Fine has variable meanings," Jim whispers, as he walks out of the sickbay.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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838

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in the sickbay. The lights are dim. It must be night.

Someone walks in. Spock knows who it is.

"Jim," he says quietly. His lips quirk up in the Vulcan's equivalent of a smile. "I trust you are in good health?"

Jim doesn't respond. He toes off his shoes and settles himself next to Spock on the bed. Jim's head slides beneath Spock's chin, and one hand is gently placed over his heart.

Spock automatically wraps both arms around Jim and relaxes. He is nearly asleep when he feels cold drops of water sliding across his neck.

Spock jumps. "T'hy'la...?"

"Shhhh," Jim shushes him. The volume of water increases exponentially, and Jim's body begins to shake.

Spock remains silent. He sifts through research he has done on human interactions to try and find what action would be most appropriate at this juncture to comfort Jim. He begins to rub the hand on Jim's back in slow, soothing circles.

He feels cool lips on his neck.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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6,485

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is alone in a private room of the sickbay. He assumes someone will come check in on him soon.

His lets his eyes wander about the room. There are three things on the side table: a clock, an old-fashioned paper journal, and a writing utensil. He has an idea. He picks up and turns to the last written on page with empty space.

He writes the date and time. Next to it, he writes, "Awake for the first time."

He then observes the line before the one he has written.

It has the same date, but an earlier time with the same words written next to it. The line is even in his own handwriting. He scribbles out the line and writes, "Lie, not me," next to it.

He flips through the pages and realizes that the whole book is full of scribbled out lines.

That's strange.

He places both the journal and writing utensil back on the side table.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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24,326

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is alone in a private room of the sickbay. He assumes someone will come check in on him soon.

His lets his eyes wander about the room. There are three things on the side table: a clock, an old-fashioned paper journal, and a writing utensil. He has an idea. He picks up and turns to the last written on page with empty space.

He writes the date and time. Next to it, he writes, "Awake for the first time."

Before he gets a chance to read what else is written in the rest of the journal, Jim walks in. His eyes have large black circles beneath them.

"Jim." Spock permits his face to light up in a way that he wouldn't allow if others were in the room. "Are you unwell?"

"Why do you do that?" Jim asks, giving no indication he even heard Spock's question.

"Do what?" Spock tilts his head and raises an eyebrow.

"Write the time and date."

"Because it's the first time I've woken up. Everything before now was black. This moment feels..." Spock hesitates, searching for the word, "worthy of recognition."

"Oh," Jim responds.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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26,458

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a private room of the sickbay. Jim sits in the chair next to his bed

"Jim." Spock permits his face to light up in a way that he wouldn't allow if others were in the room. "How is your health?"

Jim doesn't respond. He looks listless.

Spock is not aware of an interaction that would be appropriate in this situation, so he looks down.

An old-fashioned paper journal and writing utensil sit in his lap. He opens the journal and turns to the last written on page with empty space.

He checks the clock on the side table and writes the date and time. Next to it, he writes, "Awake for the first time."

"It's a lie, you know," Jim interrupts him before he gets a chance to read what else is written in the rest of the journal.

"What's a lie?" Spock asks.

"You're not awake for the first time."

Spock's brow furrows. "Of course it is. I believe I would know such a thing."

Furious, Jim takes the journal from his hands and tears it into pieces. Paper flutters throughout the room.

"No," Jim says with a calmness entirely at odd with his actions. "No you wouldn't."

Spock's eyes go blank.

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26,459

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is alone in a private room of the sickbay. It's strange. There are pieces of paper all around the room. He assumes someone will come check in on him soon.

He picks up one of the papers, but it only contains scribbled out lines with things like "Lie," or "Liar," or "Not me" written next to them.

Spock is baffled by the fact that these lines and side notes are his own hand writing.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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26,485

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is alone in a private room of the sickbay. He assumes someone will come check in on him soon.

His lets his eyes wander about the room. There are three things on the side table: a clock, an old-fashioned paper journal, and a writing utensil. He has an idea.

He flips through the journal. It is empty.

He opens the first page. He writes the date and time. Next to it, he writes, "Awake for the first time." He shuts the journal and places it back on the side table.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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104,023

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in Jim's quarters aboard the Enterprise. They are sitting on either side of a chessboard.

"Jim." Spock permits his face to light up in a way that he wouldn't allow if others were in the room. "How is your health?"

"I'm fine," Jim responds with a tired smile.

"Fine has variable meanings." Spock lifts an eyebrow.

"Tell me, Spock," Jim indicates to the chessboard, "What would you do in this position?"

Spock observes the board and moves one of his knights to take one of Jim's bishops.

Jim smiles at him.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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156,923

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in one of the meeting rooms. Jim is there. He is having a conference call with Admiral Pike.

"Jim, it's been two months," Pike is saying. "With the dangerous situations that your ship gets into and no sign of recovery, we can't allow him to stay aboard."

Spock wishes to greet Pike and inquire about his health, but social factors indicate that this would be a poor time.

"It's not like he's a civilian," Jim argues. "He knew what he signed up for when he was working for Starfleet. If he were capable, I'm sure he'd choose to stay here." The 'with me' remains unspoken.

"I've tried bending rules," Pike responds. "I'm sorry, Jim. I can't make excuses to the higher ups any longer."

"Then find a new captain for the Enterprise." Jim hangs up.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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178,877

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is standing between Jim and Dr. McCoy, who are both looking at a house in front of them.

Jim and Dr. McCoy are talking.

"Thanks again, Bones," Jim says. "You have no idea how much this means to me. To us."

"Don't get all crazy emotional on me, Jim. Spock needed a doctor and you needed a friend."

Spock is baffled. "I am not in need of a doctor."

They both look at him and start laughing. There is a tinge of hysteria to the laughter.

When Jim's laughter turns to loud sobs, Dr. McCoy stops laughing and turns away.

Spock puts his arms around Jim, and his sobs settle to quiet tears.

"Jim?" He asks.

"I'm fine." Tears continue to stream down his cheeks.

"Fine has variable meanings," Spock objects.

"I'm well aware, Mr. Spock." He touches Spock's cheek and smiles sadly. "I'm well aware."

Spock's eyes go blank.

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1,512,379

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is sitting across a table from Dr. McCoy. Jim is standing, back turned to him, in front of a stove.

He looks around. He appears to be in a kitchen. Looking out the window tells him it is morning. The atmosphere feels like that of Terra.

"Jim?"

Jim turns around and looks at Spock. He's holding a tray of muffins.

Dr. McCoy picks up a mug of coffee and takes a sip.

"Where are we?" Spock asks.

Jim sets the tray on the table and places a muffin on the plate in front of Spock.

"We're home, love," Jim responds, kissing him on the forehead. "Eat your breakfast."

Spock is slightly scandalized at the use of such an endearment accompanied by such an action with the doctor in the room, but he decides to let it slide. This time.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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7,423,850

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is sitting on a blanket, outside, in an environment that feels like Terra. Jim has his head in Spock's lap.

"Jim." Spock looks down and permits his face to light up in a way that he wouldn't allow if others were around.

Jim opens his eyes and smiles at him. "Right here, love."

Jim reaches up and runs a hand through Spock's hair.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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14,357,862

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a restaurant. Dr. McCoy, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, Mr. Scott, and Nyota sit around the table with him.

They are all laughing, most likely at a joke Mr. Scott has told, considering the way everyone is looking in his direction. He is confused by the juxtaposition between what he last remembers and what is happening now, but he decides not to interrupt.

When the laughing trickles to a stop, Spock asks, "Where is Jim?"

"Right here, love," a voice says behind him. Jim sits in the empty chair next to him and kisses him on the cheek. "Bathroom."

Spock is slightly scandalized at the use of such an endearment accompanied by such an action in this public venue, but he decides to let it slide. This time.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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23,197,648

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is sitting on a couch next to Jim.

Dr. McCoy is ushering in a middle-aged human female.

"Joanna." Jim stands. "It's nice to see you."

Spock is confused. He could have sworn that Joanna was Dr. McCoy's young daughter, but this woman is certainly at least 30. He assumes that this must be another Joanna.

"Jim." She hugs the man. "It's nice to see you as well."

Jim returns to his seat and takes Spock's hand, as Dr. McCoy and Joanna find their own places to sit.

Spock's eyes go blank.


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ENDING 1:

69,874,365

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a chair next to a hospital bed. Jim is in that hospital bed.

Spock grabs Jim's hand. The skin is wrinkly and feels like paper beneath his fingertips. Jim's hair is white, but his eyes shine blue like the Terran ocean. His breath has an unfamiliar wheezing quality.

"Jim," Spock says. "Are you unwell?"

"No, love," Jim smiles, "I'm fine."

"Fine has variable meanings." Spock lifts an eyebrow. Jim squeezes Spock's hand.

The hand relaxes in Spock's own, as Jim's eyes flutter shut.

Spock slumps over Jim's body.

His eyes flutter shut.

-----------------------

ENDING 2:

69,874,365

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a chair next to a hospital bed. Jim is in that hospital bed.

Spock grabs Jim's hand. The skin is wrinkly and feels like paper beneath his fingertips. Jim's hair is white, but his eyes shine blue like the Terran ocean. His breath has an unfamiliar wheezing quality.

"Jim," Spock says. "Are you unwell?"

"No, love," Jim smiles, "I'm fine."

"Fine has variable meanings." Spock lifts an eyebrow. Jim squeezes Spock's hand.

The hand relaxes in Spock's own, as Jim's eyes flutter shut.

"Jim...?" Spock murmurs.

Spock searches his mind for the link that connects him to Jim. There is nothing but a gaping black hole. It hurts. It is agonizing.

Spock begins to scream.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

69,989,526

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in, what appears to be a court room.

"He would be best taken care of by a facility he is familiar with, damn it!" One elderly woman is shouting. "My father helped to take care of him for years, and, with the passing of his bondmate, he should remain with us."

"Jim...?" Spock murmurs.

"A facility he is familiar with?" The responding voice is disdainful. "He can't remember from 30 seconds to the next. Your honor, we would provide a place where there is possibility for a cure."

Spock searches his mind for the link that connects him to Jim. There is nothing but a gaping black hole. It hurts. It is agonizing.

Spock begins to scream.

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

73,584,129

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a white room.

Vulcans in white lab coats surround him.

"Jim...?" Spock murmurs. His voice is hoarse.

The Vulcan with a green stripe on each of his sleeves is speaking to the other in a professorial manner. "... Thus, this case study proves, not only that the hippocampus is related to Vulcan bonding, but is perhaps even the origin of such bonds."

Spock searches his mind for the link that connects him to Jim. There is nothing but a gaping black hole. It hurts. It is agonizing.

Spock begins to scream.

All of the people in the room except for the professor jump.

"Under normal circumstances, we have him under sedation. As you can see, his reaction to the severed link is rather strong."

Spock's eyes go blank.

-----------------------

73,584,130

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a white room.

"Excuse my bluntness, sir," a Vulcan in a white lab coat speaks, "but why hasn't he been killed yet?"

"Jim...?" Spock murmurs. His voice is hoarse.

A Vulcan with a green stripe on each of his sleeves responds to the first, "Why would we do that?"

"Mercy, sir."

Spock searches his mind for the link that connects him to Jim. There is nothing but a gaping black hole. It hurts. It is agonizing.

"Mercy?" The tone is sardonic. "Are you a half-breed like the one on the table? If you wanted mercy, perhaps you should have joined the Vulcan Sympathy Acadamy. At our institution, we learn as much as we can from the sources available. Our population isn't what it used to be."

Spock begins to scream.

"It's getting loud in here," the second Vulcan continues. "We can finish this conversation elsewhere."

The room is filled with screams.

Spock's eyes go blank.

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73,584,496

Spock awakens.

The last thing he remembers is a mission going horribly wrong. He is in a white room.

There is a Vulcan in a white lab coat next to him.

"Jim...?" Spock murmurs. His voice is hoarse.

"I do not know who this 'Jim' is, but I am certain he would not want you living like this," the Vulcan responds.

Spock searches his mind for the link that connects him to Jim. There is nothing but a gaping black hole. It hurts. It is agonizing.

Spock begins to scream.

He feels a needle being inserted into his arm.

The plunger is pushed down.

Spock's eyes flutter shut.

 

Chapter End Notes:

Anterograde amnesia actually works like this, except the time period you can recall is actually more like 15-30 seconds rather than 15-55 seconds. The journal is actually based off of a man named Clive Wearing. There are videos interviewing him if you would like to learn more.

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