Date: 10/19/2017 8:09 AM Title: Chapter 8
I love that Spock is going to train Jim and it'll be interesting to see how that will work out for them.
Also, your work is fantastic, so please don't let anyone get you down with their negativity.
Thank you, especially because right now is a stressful time since I just started my freshman year of college a few months ago and I have a bunch of midterms coming up. And I’m excited to meet another Black Butler fan! I was Grell for Halloween last year
Date: 10/18/2017 5:01 PM Title: Chapter 8
Please, it is difficult to understand the prose when you use the grammar illiteracies?
Example: " I'll even right you a glowing recommendation to let you skip a year if you do well enough."
Does one typo really have that much of an impact on the quality of the actual story? If you’re just going to be rude and insulting, then don’t read my work
Date: 10/01/2017 5:31 PM Title: Chapter 4
C'est bizarre. Like some kind of vampyre story? I have succumbed to the absurd internal logic and now you have my willing suspension of le disbelief and je suis abandonment tu le tale.
“Please, it is difficult to understand the prose when you use the grammar illiteracies?”
I’m sorry if I make a mistake, but you’re not perfect either.
Date: 10/01/2017 5:09 PM Title: Chapter 2
Le Spock he is a vegetarian, not a katra eater. LOL.
What does this mean, "SPOCK: To say that I eat katras is somewhat of an exaggeration, father. I take them within my mind to gain knowledge, then I release them to their own vessels where they remain forever."
The Spock merely 'sucks' on the Katras awhile??
What are these vessels where they remain forever?
Humans do not have the Katras.
Date: 10/01/2017 4:57 PM Title: Chapter 1
Why is it that you are presenting this in the form of a Script Transcript? I do not understand why you would do this. All emotional nuance is lost. There is no authorly direction given. There are mere words without instruction as to how they are to be read, said she, in some frustration. This is Authorly instruction, yes?
Was the intent to have a dialogue driven narrative? The dialogue-driven narrative, she is able to be had without resorting to paring everything back to the level of a script, no?
I would suggest you rewrite this Chapter as I am certain it does not convey that which you want it to. Unless of course, you wish to remove all writerly nuance? To remove all trace of an author's influence from the discourse and to leave bland words without authorly opinion given, said she, hoping understanding would break through these fpreign words she struggled with.
That. Writerly instruction.
Also, there are plot irregularities. Another reviewer has covered these, I do not need to repeat. I was confused from the first sentence, "I have heard from outside sources that there is a plot from the Klingons to attack the Federation soon enough, and my daughter is gaining too much popularity for her own good. "
Also, humans do not possess a Katra.
"Humans were known to not possess a katra and thus their minds were not capable of being held by a Keeper."
Date: 11/28/2014 6:08 PM Title: Chapter 4
Interesting scenario. I like this narrative format better. I don't blame Jim for feeling sickened by Spocl's katra-addiction! If he can absorb only one katra at a time, why would he choose Uhura, who is still pretty young? He is not going to get her katra for many years. I woud assume.
A picky point: You have Spock thinking to himself, about Jim: "his muscles strong and skin rather tanned from being out in the sun for hours a day." Spock couldn't know, at this point, how Jim got his tan or how many hours a day he was out in the sun. At this point, Jim hadn't even been introduced as the gardner. Spock thought he was in charge of the servants. It would be better to show Spock wondering how Jim got his tan.
He can only absorb one at a time when he is bound to someone's katra. I know my writing sometimes has plot-holes, but that's mainly because I know I'm not the best writer. I just kind of put stuff down as it comes to me, so... I do what I think of when I think of it. And Jim is in charge of the servants, or he was until Spock arrived, because he is the President's personal aid. The hours in the sun thing would make sense if you consider he is part human and has intuition, especially since he's blonde, or blond-ish. Besides, it's California. How many people are pale in California anyway? It's practically sun 24/7.
Date: 11/27/2014 4:56 AM Title: Chapter 3
The summary of the story is interesting, and I am eager to see more. As I wrote in an earlier review, the screenplay format creates a lot of distance between characters and reader.
I don't understand some of the plot points and details of this story. Even if Uhura is the most famous person in the world, why would the Klingons make her the target of an invasion? If they want to do away with her, wouldn't that be the object of a covert operation, like the assassination of Usama bin Ladin?
Re Spock's desire to glom on to people's katras so that he can absorb what they know and then return them to their rightful owner, how would that work? As I understand the idea, the person who originally held the katra would be dead, so how could the katra be returned?
In a space-going society, why would people put paper correspondnce in a mailbox? It seems there would be quicker and easier ways.
Date: 11/26/2014 8:54 PM Title: Chapter 2
Like the concept but HATE the format! Seriously. Format is too convoluted. I encourage you to write the story as a story and not as a script. It would be more enjoyable I think.
I do like this concept and would love to know why these supposedly powerful men are letting one prissy woman make such demands. And more information on Spocks background and this whole "eating katras" thing.
Change the format and keep it going! I am intrigued by the idea!