Date: 11/17/2011 6:30 PM Title: Chapter 1
Um, I am aware of what fluff means. What I meant more was phrases like " the comfort, the warmth, and security that helped him so very much" and "laughing gently to himself with joy." That's not so much rose-tinted as, well, saccharine. It's overtly mushy. It's drowning in it, and it makes it unrealistic and unrelatable to the actual characters.
And my grammar point - it being your style is all fair enough, and I'm not asking you to be a professional, but I am asking for some polish, you know? The constant ellipses everywhere just make it, well, annoying. I don't want to be harsh, but it's irritating to read and it disturbs the flow all the time and then I don't get to enjoy the actual story.
I don't want to be harsh, but it's irritating to read and it disturbs the flow all the time and then I don't get to enjoy the actual story.
The way not to be harsh is not to say anything; simply to find someone's story style and polish that meets your standards. In my years in scifi fandom, I have had to do that several times. Don't like my stuff? That's absolutely fine, just don't judge me and my ability for it - Go find something you like better. Leave me be.
Date: 11/17/2011 5:27 PM Title: Chapter 1
Um, I get what you're going for - like, a proposal is always sweet and mushy, but...I don't know. It just seems kind of OOC. They are pretty hardline men after all.
And perhaps it's an odd thing to notice, but the constant ellipses (...) were distracting and in all the wrong places. It's like you're using those and not periods. It just...read it aloud with all those long pauses that ellipses create, and I started to feel a bit stoned.
If you clean up your style, this could be pretty good :) Keep working at it.
It was inspired by someone mentioning/discussing what the word sacrament means. 'Fluff' is the genre, for want of a better word, that means 'soppy moments ahead' - It is an accepted category on this site; it is a category that is indulgent of rose-tinted moments, and is where people put the fics that are meant, and admittedly are, to be a little bit mushy... I agree that it is noy always inkeeping with what we might think of as the characters' most frequently displayed 'style'. As for the elipses; they are just part of my style. I know that they are not pro - but, to me, they represent those natural pauses. They are part of my style. Imperfect.