Date: 10/11/2010 7:09 PM Title: Chapter 4
Oh noes! No more chapters! I suppose I'll have to cheapen our new relationship by begging for another update. In the meantime, on with the review!
I LOVED this:
Yeah, well, don't get in deep. Vulcans don't make friends, kid. And even if they did - he ain't going to be in Iowa for long.
Surprisingly, Jim...didn't much like either of those sentences. And he wasn't entirely sure which one was worse.
Sorry, I should have probably told you that when I really take an active interest in a story I'll quote the bits that resonate with me as a reader. I'll tell you this right now, you'll never get a single-sentence review from me, right?
Jim's getting interested, Spock's getting chastised or obviously taking more interest in science than politics and then there's the absolute best line in the chapter:
That eyebrow, he considered, had to be getting tired by now.
Oh, cheapen away :D I love long reviews - they're either amusing, like this one, or critical, so they're useful. One sentence jobs are nice but not satisfying in the same way. There will be another chapter very shortly :)
Date: 10/11/2010 7:05 PM Title: Chapter 3
I loved this:
"If you say 'Kirk's kid', I'm going to come out from around this bar, and nobody's going to like it."
You've really nailed the Bones characterisation, and I'm really taken with the exchanges between the two.
So Jim is unconsciously aware that he's 'stuck' but doesn't quite know what to do when he gets called out by both Bones and Spock. Hmm, and then Spock goes and hints that he may not be living the life he wants either.
Very interesting ...
You realise there's going to be hell to pay when I've caught up with the chapters, right?
LOL, yeah, I'm getting that impression :P Glad you're enjoying it though!
Date: 10/11/2010 6:54 PM Title: Chapter 1
This is off to a really interesting start and I'm looking forward to reading more. For some reason this part really jumped out at me:
But the Vulcan...wasn't so much staring at him as...analysing him. Like he was trying to figure something out.
And then, just as suddenly, the analysis was deemed complete, and he turned his head back toward Lieutenant Commander Whoever-The-Fuck.
Jim kept staring.
That Vulcan was obviously younger than the rest. Jim knew shit about Vulcan lifespans or aging processes, but if they were a group of humans, it was comparable to the twenty-year-old grandson following his grandfather and his grandfather's war veteran buddies around. He was obviously younger. And he was the one wearing remotely human clothing. And...Jim didn't know whether it made a damn bit of difference, but he was paler than the other Vulcans too. Not like, a white guy versus a black guy paler, but...a white guy versus a Chinese guy, paler. Distinct enough to look slightly out of place.
And he was the only one not giving the guide his complete attention at all times.
It's such a little moment, but it really shines. Just the way that Jim is about to guess that the Vulcan (of course it's Spock) is younger than the others by something as simple as distraction.
Date: 10/06/2010 7:09 PM Title: Chapter 1
I love this story! I'm genrally wary of stories that don't have Kirk and Spock in starfleet but this is amazing. The carefree and angsty attitude of Kirk mixed with Spock's awkward humor and standoffishness is a joy and I cannot wait to read more. Update away!
Wow, thanks! :D I'll probably update tomorrow to get the two copies online level with each other, but I don't know when the fifth chapter will be done.